........June 25, 2009.
........Today.
Today I can't type or say anything worth while that anyone would look upon and think, "there's a smart girl, there's an interesting person, I like reading this", whatever, whatever; so I'm not going to even try today. I was watching the news as I heard someone had died. They didn't say who at first, but then there is was. Michael Jackson died. The one person that anyone could make jokes about and still appreciate, Mr. Michael Jackson had a heart attack and died. Sure, you may joke and wonder about why I care, but... Hey. When I was little, I always thought Michael Jackson wouldn't die. Seriously. He would come back like a zombie, like in Thriller, and just surprise everyone. Same with Heath Ledger. He had so much energy, always nervous, wondering, was he impressing people? Then he died. One of my friends made a joke and said, "I bet you he'll come back come Grammy time and like an action hero, swoop down from the ceiling and say, 'why so serious, everyone?' and everyone would laugh or cry, watching Heath Ledger accepting his Grammy, and everyone would just burst out laughing after they were done crying, because Heath Ledger was alive again." I really believed that. I really did. And come Grammy time when Ledger didn't swoop down from the ceiling and his family members accepted his award for him and didn't cry, could you believe I still thought he was alive? I thought he was alive because his family didn't show any remorse for losing him during Grammy time and I recalled a Ledger quote I heard before, "If I didn't like doing what I was doing, I would just walk away". And that would be that. I thought he walked away and was still alive somewhere.
........I was watching Sex and the City the other day, it's the only thing half-way interesting on at midnight, and one of the characters in the show fell in love with a Jazz musician. The man she fell in love with loved Jazz so much, he would scat and stuff while he was making love to her, stupid stuff like that. The first time I walked into my summer school class and Mr. Cooper (my summer school teacher) was playing Jazz, with Jazz posters hung up on all four corners of the classroom, I remembered that man from the Sex and the City episode. I connect the both of them to each other as if they're the same person, although Mr. Cooper has a sort of air about him that makes him seem a little less mature than the Sex and the City man, like... He uses slang, he makes gay jokes, whatever. He's funny. He isn't all that serious and stuff like the guy in the Sex and the City episode. But I can't imagine him outside of school.
........For some reason, maybe I'm just overly bored, I really feel like I have to record the events that go on with me. I know they're not important, I know no one will read these, I know they're just a waste of time, but maybe that's what I want? Maybe I want a waste of time?
........I really believe everything happens for a reason. On some days, I feel enlightened when I can connect events up to one big event, something that I can do often, and the events that I recall I recall doing unconsciously, as in, I didn't mean to. It just worked out that way. I was just lucky. But today, I look at the events that had happened and what the ********, I don't see any connections to anything whatsoever. Farah F. dying, Michael Jackson dying, me learning math that I'll never use after I leave college, ..., what the ********, what the...
........I remember the last time I showed my real thoughts I got in trouble for it. I guess the people I know feel like they need to keep censoring my life for me and the others around me. I said some stupid things, I have to admit, but they need to let me deal with myself, because they won't always be able to "help" me like that and they mine as well not now, because... I don't need it. Every time I say something stupid and they try to punish me for it, I have to say, "hey buddy, I live in the US, and I have the first amendment protecting me from your bullshit."
........Today I am so tired. I think I'm extra bored so I want to make an extra long journal thing now. I can't even friggin see straight, really, because I'm so tired and my eyes are so dry and I woke up to early and stayed up too late, and I feel bad for Michael Jackson because he has such a fabulous life and he died at fifty, a young age, just like Mozart and Heath Ledger; a young age. The smart ones always die young. I always thought my brother was smart, really smart, like genius status, but the recent visit to him has convinced me otherwise, I realize he catches people off gaurd and says something not quite pertaining to the subject on hand, but rather redirects the conversation to the subject of what he said, which is obviously something he knew a lot about. Not saying degradingly, he deceives people. I saw him with his wife, his wife who makes him feel like an idiot, I can tell, she's a nice person when she wants to be, I'm sure, or maybe she just had a long day while I was over and just felt like being a grouch to my brother...
........like i said before, i remmeber making something like this before, and people punished me for saying my true feelings. i have a feeling that whole thing is going to happen again, and the only thing that comes to catdogfish
shovelstarfishousesh
shshutupickleasyestoplease
scapadexactlyouarenotwhoyouthink
youarentertainmentwotwotwotwotwot
wooooowowoowwoooonthegameyesyoudid.
********?"
myneighborsaid.idont'aeawanrttofriggintelllanyonjeeaaaaaaaaaahgodddmyyy
********. my day is fircking riunded.mind as a closing sentence to my feeling-filled-journal is, "doing something over and over again but expecting a different result is true insanity".
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