View User's Journal

Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Freakin' youth group. stressed
Hella overreact.

This is pretty late to post, but I finally have the time to rant NOW. lol

It was two freakin' months ago, stop stressing 'bout it. It's too late now to "pity" me...
I dealt with the cut. After 3 days, I was all "oh what the ******** ever, it doesn't matter anymore!" stressed
I lost another chance to try and built up what was left of my mom's trust in me. confused

I had choir. We had a 3-day concert and most of our choreography was HALF-DONE and was edited even on the last day! I had to try and bring up a D and an F (and now, they're a C+ and a B but mom's STILL not ********' happy that I even brought it up by 2 grade letters! :stress: ). I have a damn joint custody issue that still pisses me off because after 4 GODDAMN YEARS OF TELLING PEOPLE, THEY'RE STILL NOT GETTING THE SCHEDULE I HAVE!!! scream scream scream scream scream

I told you all thousands of times. I'm NOT free on Wednesdays. EVER. I go to my dad's every other weekend, Friday after school to Sunday afternoon.

sweatdrop "Oh, you didn't tell me."

mad Well, you didn't bother to ask. You didn't bother to care about what might be going on in my life to consider the choices.
Don't come up to me and say, "Oh, you should've been there!" cool
Don't make me start on that s**t AGAIN. You think I didn't want to go? Have you ever considered what I might have felt when I had to say "no, I can't"? Did you ever think that when I say "can't", it's that I actually CAN'T. I don't have the ability to. I don't have the choice to. I don't have the right to anymore.

This is why I hate being at home.
Always being left out...Always the last to know about EVERYTHING.

Hey, so how's you and whoever?

"Him/Her? We broke up 3 weeks ago! Where have YOU been?!"

I'm not that rich. So when someone tells me to play something on a PS3. a PSP or an Xbox360, I can't.
I suck at Halo, Call of Duty and all that stuff.
I want to play...I really do...But I'm stuck with a PS2 and wanting to stick with my DSLite...
But everyone complains and complains that I need to get better stuff.

Well I can't. Sometimes, I don't want to because I'm just satisfied with WHAT I GOT.
Have you even had a moment's peace without wanting something all the time? I survived most of my 4, 5 years of joint custody with NO TELEVISION, and barely ANY internet! So don't ask me if I watched the new One Tree Hill episode. I don't know it. I don't watch it. I stick to the movies that come my way on bootleg or sales. Don't ask me to watch this video of a guy spinning 300 times on his head without puking when I can't go online.

It's not fair when you think that when I can't do something, it's because "I don't want to." It's because I can't.

I can't go anywhere when I'm at my dad's. If I do, he gets mad. He doesn't want to waste spending valuable time with me because I'm his ONLY daughter...

You don't see me talk to adults easily. Why? Because I'm afraid that they'd get annoyed with me or angry as my dad did when I was a child. I'm terrified. Deep down, it's a scar that can't heal. I can never forget the things he did to bust me up into the person I am now.

...It hurts every single time. It hurts so much...I cry almost every time I think about it more and more.
And so I stay home most of the time...thinking to myself, "Why do I even bother having 'friends'?"
They don't see me. They don't know me. They haven't even tried to get to know me. So do I still consider them friends?

Friends that bring me down because I'm not an expert on Monster Hunter? So they constantly tell me over and over again about how 1337 they are at Flyff or something...
Friends that always show off something that I've actually been wanting for a time longer than they have known about it? I know she got it to rub it in my face...I know she probably did so because she was tired of me getting a little more attention...whatever attention I actually got in total...I thought she was my friend...but the way she's been acting now...I think it was all just to switch roles. She envied me, so she wants me to envy her, as if this kind of "Revenge" would actually work. It just pisses me off...The things I have...I would think I deserved it more than she did is she ever even asked about what went on in my life. I can't even remember the last time she asked me, "What's the matter?"
Friends...that even over the past 6 years, that I've waited for them...I can't forget them...ever...Because your first friends are your friends for life. So when you make a promise...that you'll see each other again...and they're dead...would you still keep it? Because you're friends?

I try to distract myself with what I have, drowning myself with the warm memories of the past...The past of when I thought I had it together...Just so I wouldn't think about how lonely I actually was.
I'm actually more quiet than I am random, because I'm so much like any other girl.
Worried about what people think about her...Scared at what might happen next if she said something wrong...But always never wanting people to worry about her, so she always tries to put some kind of smile on her face.
Forcing herself to have another image...Another kind of personality...One that wasn't afraid so much or naive all the time. Pretending to be strong or nice or all that I am as how you see me...

I wait for someone to notice me...To notice that I was someone who knew in their gut that I was hiding something underneath my smile.

Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

More Information