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Have you ever just sat down, and felt unfulfilled? Like something was missing, but you just don’t know what it is. I can’t shake it. Maybe it’s because my classes are over, maybe it was when I saw my mom cry. Either way, it’s a feeling that just sinks into my stomach and starts eating away at everything I have.
I don’t like talking about things anymore, usually it makes it easier. I once thought, if you allowed yourself such emotions, it would make you a better person, but then I don’t know if that had continued, if I would still be here now. But right now, to make myself feel right again, I’ll talk.
I’m lonely, such a dumb thing to say, but I am. I want someone to hold me close, to look at the sky with me, to take walks with. I told my dad today I didn’t want children, and he said ‘You’ll regret it. What else will you live for?’ it made my mom cry, when she thought of where she would be without us. Are they right? Is there some mystical thing with children that saves you from the agony of life? I just don’t know. I don’t know what I want anymore.
Sometimes I think that making smart a** jokes, being mean to people will save me from the emotional trauma. What if that only makes it worse? I was told I was mean, demeaning. Have I become a person others by definition wouldn’t like? But it has only been to men. What am I afraid of? How will I move on and continue to be the person I should be? Stop the smart a** jokes, the rude comments. Grow up. Though we live such short lives, we need to make the best of it, and never regret a moment we spend here. I love my family, my mom, even my dad. I don’t want to see anyone cry anymore, I don’t want to see another guy like me, when I can’t feel anything back for them. I allowed myself Joe this year, and he turned me down. I cried, but moved on. And now I stand here, on an empty road unwilling to look back. Let me move on in this time in my life, back down that twisted path I chose, to hopefully meet you along the way.
 Vision of Autumn · Sun May 17, 2009 @ 05:42am · 0 Comments |
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