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Lolz, relationshipz -shakes head- they NEVER work out for me. A lost of my past boyfriends and why we broke up (Yeah, never had a gf, cuz like no one ish bi or lez round here): 1) Josh ~ He was a d**k who never talked to me 2) Avery ~ Strange in a badish way, and did NOT respect my wishes such as keeping my secrets or respecting the emoness withen me and showing on my skin 3) Brent ~ I found him making out with an older girl 4) Andrew ~ Committed suicide earlier than planned, leaving me alllone and too scared to leave on my own. 5) Erik ~ Was cheating on me with an older girl 6) Zane ~ Found him making out with a girl closer to his age 7) Nikki ~ AGAIN, found him maing out with an older woman
-sigh- Seeing a pattern? I'm always replaced by an older girl -.- THe longest relationship was probably the one with Zane, it lasted over 2 years. 4 was it? Maybe 3? Pssh, I don't remember. He was 17 or 18 by teh time we broke up, so maybe he was just embarressed to be going out with a 14 year old gurl, but still...he could have told me instead of breaking my heart! I am so done with relationsips, I've had my heart broken repeatedly. Each time I just tried to find a way to mend it back together, but as soon as I began feelign comfortable with another guy, they ripped it open again. My heart has so many scars, I don't think ANYONE can make them go away. As I've said many times before, I'm sick and tired of being used and thrown away, cheated on and picked on, beaten up and being teh target of drama and stupid rumors. RIght now, the latest rumor going around the school is that I'm teh devil. BULLSHIT. I may be fond of demons and such, but I'm not one personally. And I'm not evil and a b***h! I have a really kind side, and many people have seen it! It just hasn't been around lately though, so I'm faking it teh best I can. Most of the time peopel judge me before they even speak to me, so they never get to see either side of me. Do they not want to be my friend, just because of the way I dress? Skinny jeans, dyed red hair, bangs brushed to teh side, pruple and black thick eyeliner, converse with checkered shoelaces, tight shirts, a black, white and green checkered and striped jacket, armwarmers, wristbands, bracelets, chokers, necklaces -- is all that really that scary? Speaking of which, what's wrong with my looks? Is it becuz I'm stereotyped as emo, goth, punk, and suicidal? Or am I just plain hideous?
More questions that haunt me day and night:
1. Why is it that people take one look at me, an dthen automatically start talking to tehir friend about how emo I am?
2. Do people pick on me and beat me up for a reason, or is it just becuz I'm an easy target?
3. Why teh ******** do people get extremely pissed when I say a cuss word as mild as s**t?
4. Am I meant to be alone, or am I going down the wrong path, choosing the wrong friends, and meeting and talking to the wrong kind of people?
5. Why is it that my parents are always complaining about me? Whispering things to each other while shaking their heads, such as "It's too late now, " and, "We messed up somewhere with her," and "What do we do with her now?"? Am I really this bad? Or...what exactly am I?
6. Who am I? Where am I meant to be, right now, at this very second?
7. Is there really someone out there, waiting for me, dreamign of me every night, or are people just saying that to comfort me?
8. Why do my relatiosnships always go wrong, always have a bad ending? Is this a sign that I'm supposed to be single forever?
9. Did I already ******** up my life too much to go back and fix things? Maybe start over and try all over again?
10. Is anyone - a friend, a random person, or someone who wants to get to know me (as if that would ever happen) - out there willing to help me through every single rough time, and NOT abandon me and leave me all alone? Even if I did the meanest thing in teh world to them, would they still stay by my side, wheather I liked it or not? Will they always forgive me, no matter how bad my mistakes are and become? Are they willing to be the kind of person who jumps off the bridge to save me, or laughs and laughs at my decision? Would they help me lie my way out of trouble, or turn me in the second thwy got the chance? Would they choose me over their dreams? Help em reach my goals? Help me get back up when I get pushed down, or I fall over?
Okay, wellllll I ran out fo questions -- for now -- so yeah...if you have any kind of answer to any question please pleas PLEASE pLeAsE anwer it. Thankz everyone.
Yall's truely-----Payne
Kirayne · Fri May 15, 2009 @ 05:36pm · 5 Comments |
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