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I just....feel like s**t again.
Maybe it's cause I have my monthly thing but I just feel like all time full s**t. I'm such a wimp I can't even tell someone to piss off....God. I'm pathedic. Simply pathedic, sometimes I really wish I would just sleep, sleep forever. No meds to take, no crying or pain. I would be at peace, or at least I think I would. I don't know anymore, I'm just really scared for some reason, like some one's gonna get me or something.

I haven't really talked to my mom or nana about the lupus. I just keep it all inside, bottled up. Pretty much the only people who I could talk to about is Aaron and Coral. But I don't. I fake being fine, I fake being happy and laughing all the freaking time. Lastnight was really peaceful for some reason just fell asleep so fast. Didn't wake up till 9:30 this morning, I didn't even wanna wake up. Pffht....pill after pill every ******** day for the rest of my ******** life! I don't even have a choice weather I want to or not.....I'm forced to. I hate it! I know I have love but I really feel so ******** alone with this stupid sickness. No one really understands how I feel.

Then there's mom.....she still screwed up in the head. Just stares at the tv...never listens to wait I need to say, you could call her 50 times and she still wouldn't hear you. To caught up in that ******** tv! It's like she's not my mom anymore...

I'm just so tired....really really tired. Tired of all this s**t. Tired of the feelings, tired of being sick, tired of failing, tried of just...things.

At the beginning of all this s**t, going to the doctor, sleeping in all the time. I felt like..."Would it really be so bad if I was going to die sooner or later?" I won't die...Well at least not until I'm like 60 or 80 most likely
But...this isn't worth it.

I cry so much; and I don't even know why. And now I'm ******** crying again! I hate me....I'm useless. ******** useless....Aaron needs better...so much better then a whiny depressed dumbass who can't even stand up for herself always gonna be sick b***h. God...And now I have this stupid fear that Aaron will find someone else, I'm just screwed up, so ******** screwed up. I love my Aaron I never wanna leave my Aaron, he's mine and no elses! I won't let Aaron go. Never. I love him way to much for him to go. I wanna see him so bad....it's killing me. I keep dreaming over and over about him. Little dates we could go on, simple walks of holding each others hands. Little kisses on the cheeks to full out tackling and making out. Im obessed with him I've always been.