~I believe in immortality and in dying young.
~I believe that America has three gods; Drugs, Sex, and the All-Mighty Dollar.
~I believe that all roads lead to Wal-Mart.
~I believe that all doors in Wal-Mart alternate in between McDonalds and Hell.
~I believe that Gutzon Borglum carved George Washington with a runny nose.
~I believe that God too is fond of practical jokes.
~I believe that every once in a while, the light at the end of the tunnel is an angel with a spotlight having a joke.
~I believe in wrapping green duct tape around the top of the Empire State Building.
~I believe that Lady Liberty is a whore whose torch has just gone out.
~I believe that if you plant a tree, some one will find a reason to cut it down.
~I believe that it's a federal offense to speak badly of the U.S. Government but a social offense not to.
~I believe that freedom died with slavery.
~I believe that shadows hide whole worlds and that shadows don't hide anything.
~I believe that everything is a mixture of incredible genius and naive incompetence, and that the line between the two is ofter indistinguishable.
~I believe that if you ever met a talking crow, it won't say “nevermore.”
~I believe that moms are not superheros, that they are just average people with the added feature of eyes in the back of their heads.
~I believe that most types of education is just common sense, only a little bit harder.
~I believe that “happy hour” is when you take a nap.
~I believe that if we could understand dog, dogs wouldn't be man's best friend.
~I believe that kilts are only cool in Ireland.
~I believe that the road less traveled, is less traveled for a reason.
~I believe that the road less traveled should remain so.
~I believe that a short person can grab a hold of the sun while tall people only ever reach for the stars.
~I believe that you can fly if you throw yourself at the ground and miss.
~I believe that reporters will only ever report the truth if it is more unbelievable than the lie they can concoct.
~I believe that when you close the fridge door, two inch tall men have a line dance party on the chicken until you open the door.
~I believe that in music, there is such a thing as an XYZ scale.
~I believe that alarm clocks are the root of all evil.
~I believe in living without time and in living minuet by minuet.
~I believe in keeping the moon in your front pocket.
~I believe that two wrongs don't make a right but that three lefts do.
~I believe in having fun at a funeral.
~I believe that no one on earth can tell you the correct time.
~I believe that the early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
~I believe in more than one worm and many more mousetraps.
~I believe that suicide is illegal only if your alive to take the punishment.
~I believe in the death penalty for a murderer.
~I believe in an eye-for-an-eye, tooth-for-a-tooth, and blood-for-blood.
~I believe that fighting crime is shooting back.
~I believe that gun control is putting the bullet through the same hole as the first five.
~I believe that when we say "Why God? Why?" he rolls his eyes and says "Why me?"
~I believe that the stall walls in a public restroom can teach you just as mush as a teacher (and a lot of it more useful.)
~I believe that the lesson you've learned behind bars is how not to get caught next time.
~I believe that "too be or not too be" is neither the question or the answer.
~I believe that the spirit is alive and thriving.
~I believe that Murphy's Law is more true than anyone ever thought possible.
~I believe that sarcasm and pure wit should be on Bloom's Taxonomy.
~I believe that there isn't an apple pure enough that one a day will keep any doctor away.
~I believe that sometimes the voices in your head have some really good ideas.
~I believe in pushing the snooze button one more time.
~I believe in dying in a dark corner and going down in a blaze of glory.
~I believe in dying with your boots on.
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