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Here's just a random collection of bedtime stories I wrote in like... five minutes. If you have one that is funny as s**t, send it to me. I will accredit you.
Yes, you can use my story, if you'd like. Just, please, give me some fame, y'know.
The Quarter
OK, so I was in Darbonne's truck, riding home from Track practice with Ethan and Darbonne. I was sitting in the backseat, not paying attention to anything. When all of a sudden, a ******** Unicorn comes out of nowhere and is like, "Dude! Give me back my precious!" And then it headbutts the s**t out of me. So, you know me, I'm all like, "Dude! WTF!" And then the ******** Unicorn gives off the Gorilla Banshee Warrior call. It's like the mating call of a giraffe and a hippo, only combined. So anyway, I'm chilling in the back and I find this quarter. But, the quarter had John Lennon's face on one side and the Avenged Sevenfold Death Bat on the other. I'm wigging out, because it's the coolest s**t ever. And then, I'm like, "Dudes, I found this quarter!" And they were like, "Cool, Austin. You can keep it!" And I was like, "That's sweet s**t, dude!" And then I got home and I put it in my pocket. And then the ******** Unicorn came back and was like, "Beeotch! Give me yo' quartar, NEYOGGUH!!" And I was like, "b***h, please!" And I shot his a** up with some Heroin. And then he chilled the ******** out and sold me some drugs. And now, I'm totally high on life. That s**t's expensive, too, especially from the ******** Unicorn. So, now, I have this totally awesome ******** quarter from Maryland that is some sweet s**t.
The Cold As s**t War
So, one year, I was in the war. It wasn't a major war. It was the war against Antarctica. It was some crazy s**t. So, I was in this war. It was caused by the Russians, you know. It was the Cold War. The Russians made this penguin colony on Antarctica or some s**t. And me and my homeboys were like, "Oh, no, NEYOGGUH!" So, we took a road trip to Antarctica with some cackhead named Joe. And we got there, and we were like, WTF! Because it was like... the march of the penguins or something. Anyway, we had all of our guns and s**t, and we started shooting. But, the penguins wouldn't die. They pulled out AK-47s and a few Five-SeveNs, and we were like, "Oh, s**t!!!" So, we hopped in Joe's pimpmobile and we drove back to America. But, the penguin army followed us. And then, I called up my homeboy, the ******** Unicorn. And the ******** Unicorn came and ate those bitches, making the White Tiger an endangered species of animals. Soon after, the dinosaurs went extinct and the world went to s**t. The end.
Darth ******** Unicorn
I was chilling the other day, bored as s**t, when the ******** Unicorn called me up. He was all like, acting like some kind of badass and I was like, "NEYOGGUH! Fight we shall! Yoda style, beech!" And then he was all like, "YEEEEEAHHHHH!!!!" So, he comes over to my house, dressed up like ******** Dart Vader or Darth Maul or Darth Sidius or something, and he's all like, "b***h, I am yo' baby daddy!" And then he pulled out this rainbow lightsaber. Me, not really thinking, was like, "b***h, I'm Yoda!" And I pulled out a steel chair from under the wrestling mat. So, he and I start fighting. He cuts my ******** steel chair in half. So, I got pissed off and I punched the s**t out of his lightsaber. Then, he was like, "You swing too hardddd! AYISSS!" ANd then I punched him in his ******** Unicorn face. Then, I jumped on him and started pounding his skull in. Then, I took his lightsaber and said, "******** Unicorn, I am your father." And then he screamed no and ******** died. Then, I cried, because I didn't have anyone to sell me drugs anymore. So, I went to his house, stole all of his drugs, took them to my house, then performed a six-man drive-by shooting in a mini-van by myself. Wow, that statement had a lot of hyphens. I then proceeded to snorting crack and injecting heroin. The end.
Presidential d**k
Okay, so, the other day, I was bored as s**t and I was all alone. I was in a kind of kinky mood, so I tried to entertain myself. The only thing that entertained me, however, was lesbian porn. Normally, I'm not for girl on girl; it just doesn't give me a boner. But, this particular time, it did. So, I'm sitting in my room, doing what Catholics call a sin, and there's a ******** knock on my door. I'm screaming, "s**t, s**t, s**t!" But, come to find out, it was that b***h a** ******** Unicorn, asking to pull on my d**k. I was like, "No, ******** you, b***h. I'm watching bitches make out." So, I slammed the door in his face and s**t, and then called me up some hookers. They both came over and I came all over both of their faces. It was great, because they were like, "We want more!" And I was like, no, bitches. I have porn to watch. So, I pulled out my magical quarter (which I didn't own at the time) and I was like, "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOTCH!!!" And I killed them both. Then, the ******** Unicorn called the cops on my, and I had to go to prison. I was sent to court, and charged with fifty-seventh degree Hoeslaughter. No one actually cared, and I was charged a week without masturbation. So, I'm serving out my sentence right now by watching porn and pulling on my d**k. ******** you, you ******** Unicorn.
Do You Believe In...
Do you believe in Captain Crunch??? Because I do. I think Captain Crunch is the ******** s**t, so here's my story. The other morning, I ate a Toaster Strudel with my friend, Quarter. When I was done, I was still hungry. So, I ate me some ******** Captain Crunch. Then, my sister asked her boyfriend, "Do you believe in..." but, I cut her off. I screamed, "Captain Crunch, bitches! Get off mah d**k!" And everyone in my house was like, "WTF, AUSTIN!!!" And I got in trouble. So, extremely upset and morally unstable, I went into my room and cried like a b***h. Then, I proceeded to my favorite eraser-based hobby, and soon after, I was slicing open my wrists. It felt good, hacking away. And then, I aimed for my throat. I cut my jugular from ear to ear, so it looked like a big ******** smiley face. The ******** Unicorn then walked in, but he left real fast. He's a real b***h, when it comes to blood. So, I hung myself. The rope broke, but I was like, whatever. So, I went to school, raw skin, head in a noose, bloody arms, and gashed neck. Everyone though I was a freak until I killed our school's most ancient relic: Mrs. Skelton. Everyone then loved me. Then, they asked, "Austin, do you believe in God?" And I responded with a question: "Does your God know my God?" And then I laughed and said, "Bitches, I believe in Captain Crunch!" Then, I went home and ejaculated on my neighbors cat.
Pac-Man Fireball Hoedown
Okay, so I was chilling out with my homeboy Mario, walking down the street int he hood, when this b***h came up to me. She was like, "OMG, Austin! I want your wang in my pooper!" And I was like, "You nasty." And Mario threw a ******** fireball at her. The fireball, like, missed the b***h and flew at a gangster, Yoshi. If you didn't know, Yoshi is this retarded ******** dinosaur thing that eats s**t with its tongue. Anyway, Yoshi ate the ******** fireball. And out of nowhere, Ol' Man Pac-Man came out of his ******** house and ******** at Yoshi. Mario ran and the ******** cops arrested me. So, they sent me to a ******** female jail or some s**t, and I smuggled in some smokes. And Jenni, stop ******** texting me. Little did I know, the ******** Unicorn got caught, too. He helped me by hiding them in his hollow body. So, i started some kind of smoke-selling business. Each pack of smokes coted $7.37. Or, a decent, ejaculation-worth b*****b. One day, this fine b***h was giving me head, and a guard died. Those b***h a** police hoes blamed me and gave me the ******** electric chair. While I was experiencing massive electricity-induced seizures, I had an epiphony. I was God, for My sake. So, I stood the ******** up and yelled, "BITCHES!" And my mouth shot out ******** lightning. I killed everyone and turned Heaven into a ******** crackhouse. The ******** end.
Bitches Ain't s**t But Teachers and Principals
OK, so I wrote the previous story in my English I Honors class, instead of paying attention. I have the paper right ******** next to me. So, I wrote the ******** thing and folded it up. I threw it to my friend and my other friend caught it and I ******** got caught. So, I had to lie my ******** way out of a big ******** mess. So, this was our conversation: "Hey, Mrs. Paradee, can I have my note?" "No, Austin." "b***h, gimme' my note!!!" And then the ******** SWAT team came in. And they shot that b***h up. And I was like, "WHAT!!!! b***h, YOU JUST GOT PUNK'D!" And then I realized that it was real s**t. I started freaking out, and the ******** Unicorn ran in. And then, my friend Aaron came in. So, we all got into this ******** Final Fantasy VII style fight with those bitches. We fought, turn by ******** turn, and then I realized... life isn't a turn-based ******** game. So, I pulled my glock and gatted them bitches up. "NEYOGGUH!!!" And then the ******** principal gave me ******** detention. So, I went up to the Vice Principal, and I said, "Douggy Fresh! Set that b***h a** hoe you call your boss straight!" So, Douggy Fresh pulled off his belt and beat that b***h to death. And then, he sent me to Track Practice, which leads back to my first story. YEAH!
The s**t
OK, so, I was with my short friend, Isaac, and he gave me an idea. I don't remember what the ******** it was, but it was some good s**t. So, now, I'm gonna' ******** ramble to you about my weekend. I've been at ******** titty parades every day! It's Mardi Gras and the ******** Unicorn wanted me to go get some poon and s**t with him, so I was like, "Whatever." So, I go out and there's this chick. She was fine as s**t. But, she only spoke German. It was pretty cool, but pretty ******** weird. Yeah, you bitches probably aren't laughing. So, anyway, I go out to New Orleans and get piss ******** drunk, when all of a sudden... there's ******** Slash! Saul ******** Hudson, I swear to ******** Christ! I was like, "********, Slash!" And he wanted my p***s. So, I ran the ******** away, like, "What the ********, man?! WHAT THE ********?!?!?!" So, anyway, I saw some boobies, too. C boobies, D boobies, Z boobies, mad boobies, sad boobies, clean boobies, mean boobies! And it was cool s**t. I showed my nipples to one of the Krewes and they dumed beads on my ******** head. I'd show you all the picture, but it would be inappropriate to post on the Internet. It was cool s**t, though. And, I got laid. Twice in one motherfucing Goddamn cocksucking shitsack pisshole day. Yep. That sums up my ******** weekend.
 Narxes · Thu Feb 12, 2009 @ 12:54am · 0 Comments |
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