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Lol.
Um anyways.
Today I had like two completely opposite feelings in like...an hour. It was crazy. xD
But I dunno, I've always felt like I was trying so incredibly hard to be a good person, to not have anyone think I was anything other than a good person, to always do the right thing. But I never felt like I was good enough; I mean, most of the time, yeah, I feel like a pretty decent person, at least in that I try, and am pretty tolerant of people and stuff, and nice and all that. But there are so many times I'm like, Why can't I be a better friend? I should reach out when I see they're sad instead of shrinking away because I'm afraid I'll only annoy them. Or why can't I just be a more friendly person? When I see someone alone and uncomfortable, I should, knowing all too well how they feel, smile and say hi to them. But I don't, because I'm too shy. Or...why can't I be a better sister? I don't pay enough attention to my siblings. I should have an active interest in their lives, try to lift them up as they're going through things, or just spend time with them and let them know I love them. But I don't, because I'm too selfish.
The list goes on and on. And just today I thought, maybe, there might be one reason that I do this. And of course, it's probably just anger from the moment, and me wanting to point fingers at something else. But you never know, it could make sense.
Lately I feel like I can never please my stepdad. Well, this feeling isn't really new, but rather more acute. I've been doing a lot more chores to earn money, and so his eye is on me a lot more. And even when I think I've done a really good job, and gone above and beyond the call of duty, he shoots me down and tells me I should have done more, and yells at me. And when I do the job well enough, but not anything extra, there're still tons of things I should've done.
It makes me so upset. Not only because I'm constantly being worked and told that I'm not doing good enough, but because that translates to my stepdad thinking I'm a lazy good-for-nothing who doesn't care about anything but herself. And that's not really true! I do have a work ethic, believe it or not. I really do. And so I hate that he thinks that, and so when he points out what I didn't do, I try to justify myself and why I didn't do it but will next time, and then he just takes that as me trying to explain why I shouldn't have to do it at all. I get so incredibly angry and upset and we've had a lot of arguments where I come out crying hysterically. xD
Oy...so I dunno. That might have something to do with it. I'm just sick of it. Of always feeling like I have nothing to offer anyone but occasional amusement. No matter how hard I try to see what others see in me, I can't see anything at all.
The biggest things...whenever I discovered that I was someone's best friend, I always had to wonder, "They must have awful friends if I'm their best..." Because, really, what makes me so special? What makes me deserve that special honor of being the one that a person can confide in most, or have the most fun with? I just can't see myself in that position. And yet I am.
And...I've never actually said this out loud lol...but I just don't understand at all (!) how anyone could see me as more than a friend. It doesn't make any sense. Out of all the girls out there, what on earth makes me stick out as someone you'd want to really get to know? I don't know. I don't get it. It makes me so panicky.
That's why I'm so freaking insecure. It takes me literally months, maybe a year to finally be convinced that a new friend really sincerely enjoys my company. Oy, it's an awful thing.
Blah. >.<
 LadyAlisyn · Wed Feb 04, 2009 @ 01:51am · 1 Comments |
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