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Dear Diary,
It feel ridiculous to even be writing this. I cannot comprehend his mentality. "Speechless " is the only truly accurate way to describe how I had felt at that moment. I did not know how to respond to that new complication. Now I am brimming with questions. I am simply not as relieved as I thought I would be to catch Kira. In fact, is this even considered capture? Have I truly 'caught' him or has he simply turned himself it? How, for so long, was he able to withhold this information? How was he able to keep this from me? Does he truly love me? Does love even... exist?
I can not stop asking myself these questions, but I do not want them answered. There is no way I could just pretend that this never happened. The entire time, he was lying to me. I saw the signs that pointed to Raito being Kira. In fact, I chose to tell the Task Force I felt that way. I should revel in the limelight that will be inevitably shone upon me because of this capture. I should be feeling excited, proud, and accomplished for being correct. But I do not.
Where is the rush that comes with victory? Where did the sweetness of this piece of candy go? I feel as though I no longer indulge in things such as difficult problems or sweet foods. They seem more like a habit now. Unhealthy, self-destructive habit.
I now understand the benefits of Near's constant detachedness. I am unsure of whether or not he is distant from others as a defense or if he is distant because he genuinely scorns the attention of others, but if that boy does not associate himself with others emotionally, then he can never be hurt. I wish to speak with him. Perhaps I shall call Matt and request to speak with my successors. I suppose that since Kira seems to be taking a break from killing, I may be able to convince the Task Force that it is okay for them to keep an eye on Raito while I step aside to speak with Matt, Mello, and Near. I want to talk to those three. They calm me, almost like a drug.
My insomnia ails me. I simply want to escape from this harsh reality. Raito now sleeps in a separate bed and cameras monitor his every movement. Chains attached to his left wrist and right ankle hold him in place. Of course, the length of the metal is long enough for him to move around in his sleep, but it is too short ot allow him to remove his bindings. For now, I am free to do as I please.
If I only had the capability to fall asleep when I was exhausted, then maybe I could escape. When him and I were together, I would be able to fall asleep peacefully. Now, all I wish is for this accursed case to end. Maybe then, I would be able to achieve rest. I would most certainly welcome the sleep. But that is not realistic. Running away and wishing for change is no way to respond when conflict arises. However, as of this moment, I am breaking away from these morals, these beliefs. At this moment, freedom from this stifling hold would be much welcome.
My thoughts are so mixed that I cannot even form a thinking process that runs smoothly. Stream of consciousness is a curse, considering how my words flow like the aftermath of a car crash. Simply wandering back to that moment in my head drives me insane. Why is it that I am not able to forget? What a foolish question. Would I want to forget? And which duty comes first, the duty to the public to turn in Kira, or my duty to Raito? Do I have a duty to Raito now? I cannot decide. I do not want to decide. This is simply too much pressure.
I had wanted to teach you a lesson, Kira. I wanted to show you that right and wrong are moot. No one should be allowed to have such control over my emotions. I have said this before, but this time, I intend on following through on these words, and follow through I did. You are not righteous. You have no judgment. You are not divine light. You are simply... simply... the man who used to be my Raito. Even though I am sure that I taught you, in turn you have taught me as well.
You have taught me not to trust. You have taught me that Love and her sister, Fate, are fickle, mischievous companions.
It is dangerous to be writing this down. If someone were to read these words, I would have no choice but to... to... to what?
It is becoming increasingly harder to concentrate. None of this is supposed to be happening. I know I suspected him, but I never wanted my suspicions to become reality. I only wanted to catch Kira, but not like this.
Definitely not like this.
L
 minikimii · Thu Jan 08, 2009 @ 10:42pm · 0 Comments |
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