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L's Diary: Real World (Part Ten) |
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L tossed around in his bed for the fifteenth time that night. He really needed sleep now and the bags under his eyes were so dark they were heavy with an almost real weight. The sugar he had been engulfing like oxygen wasn't helping his head either. Instead, it had only contributed to the buzzing, ringing, pounding pain that seemed to be rapidly increasing in the spaces directly above his ears behind his temples.
He had called Matt yesterday. That conversation added to the current state of his workplace was overwhelming. To say the least, the stress was killing him inside. To make matters worse, Raito still had not spoken to him since the Yotsuba incident and it got worse with each passing day. Any sort of vocal exchange was present only around the Task Force members and never initially directed at one another. L wasn't going to lie to himself. He knew something was wrong. Everyone knew. By now, even Matsuda could tell something was wrong, and that was a grand feat all within itself. He'd in fact confronted the two regarding their new found silent awkwardness on separate occasions, wondering if he could do anything to bring their "friendship" (for the others were still in the dark about the real situation) back to how it used to be, but he was unable to elicit any sort of response from either party. A simple "shut up, Matsuda" was all the two could say enough to agree on.
And it was glaringly obvious. Tension between the detective and the student were affecting their work. Even though the killings stopped and Higuchi was dead, the investigation was still going. L wanted to know if Kira was still alive; if Higuchi was just a scapegoat.
At least, that was the image he was trying to project to the Task Force.
"Enough of this," L thought, flipping over once more, "tomorrow will be better."
He'd repeated this to himself for the last two nights, knowing that he didn't believe his own words. Swallowing them was harder than thinking them, but he could try. He promised Matt yesterday that he would at least try.
- -
"Get up," spoke a familiar voice as something nudged him, bumping him out of hibernation and into slow consciousness.
"Nngh..."
He had managed to fall asleep that night as well. Yesterday's slumber was an anomaly and against all odds, L had acquired a few hours of natural rest today as well. If he weren't in such an emotionally deprived and mindless state, he might have written about it in his diary. Might.
"Time to get up, Ryuuzaki-san. We've got work to do," a voice half coaxed while L tried listlessly to rouse his limbs into functioning.
Then he realized that the large, windowless room was warm. That was strange. The door was seldom left open at the midnight hours and the heaters were on, but the temperature was never set at this degree. No, that wasn't the room's heat. That was the heat of...
Raito!
Suddenly, L jolted from his groggy state, topping off the left edge of the bed and on to the floor. The chain of his handcuffs inadvertently pulled the younger brunet into stumbling onto the floor and atop the detective. Their bodies were pressed close, similar to the countless nights they had spent together so intimately only a couple weeks before. Remembering those night made L reminisce of the times he and Raito had blissfully taken longer than necessary in the shower every morning. His face began to grow hot and he willed himself to readjust his mask of indifference and the discomfort in his jeans. He had fallen asleep in the rough denim again and would no doubt have lines from the cloth indented on his skin. The stiffness of both the cloth and a certain body part of his was certain to be noticed soon. If the heat was pressed against him any longer, he doubted he could stay conscious or rational. What if he noticed and decided to tackle thr problem in L's jeans? What if Raito decided that he, too, needed some form of release after all those nights spent in accompanied isolation? L's mind was drifting now, hoping that maybe by some stroke of satirical luck He was not trusting his body to obey his thoughts this morning.
Suddenly, Raito's lips were right in front of his. L was not sure if it was simply a slip of the arm, but when Raito slid forward, he had nearly caught the detective by the lips. However, L had turned his head to the right as to avoid those lips. Instead, they caught him on the cheek.
"Yaga... Yagami-kun... G-get off... m-me, please..." L managed weakly, hoping he sounded like he was out of breath instead of aroused.
"Yes. I'm sorry, Ryuuzaki, are you alright?" the brunet asked, true concern seeming to leak out from his words.
They lay against one another for a few fleeting moments, both heaving slightly and blushing (although unknown to them) for the same reason. L's jeans were becoming warmer and tighter to the point where if Raito would have noticed his 'problem' in a mere minute, even if they were not in contact. And then L began to panic slightly. If Raito found him, what would it mean? And they were so close. He closed his eyes and moaned slightly, biting his lips as he felt movement against his lower regions. To his relieved disappointment, it was caused by Raito easing off of his frail body and sitting beside him on the floor to watch the older man readjust himself.
This had got to be a dream! L reasoned with himself, because the current circumstances do not allow for things of this nature to occur. Raito is not a clumsy individual. He is careful with his surroundings and physically capable to stop himself from falling. His reflexes are sharp, even in the morning. This cannot be real... But I do not dream. And there is simply a lack of explanation for this situation. This cannot be happening. Physical contact has been severed for so long, I have forgotten what it has felt like for him to be in such close proximity of me. Raito has not talked to me for too many days now... what is he trying to accomplish?
"Thank you for your concern," the obsidian-eyed detective recovered, setting his face into an expressionless mold and hardening his features as best he could, "but I find it quite obvious that I am functional and breathing; therefore I am 'fine.' "
"Alright then," Raito murmured, seeming to have lost his sudden confidence, "let's get ready and then go down for breakfast."
The two stood up from their seats on the cream carpeted floor. As usual, Raito stretched his limbs and took in two deep breaths. Inhaling, holding, then exhaling the breath cleanly until he felt lightheaded was the usual routine. Deviating from the norm this morning, he faced L while he did it. His panda-like eyes widened slightly as he watched the hem of Raito's boxers drop an inch as he stretched and exhaled, the light blue fabric looking delicious against his tanned skin.
And the look on Raito's face told L that the brunet knew what the action was doing to him. He silently cursed the young man.
"Who shall shower first today?" he asked, trying his hardest to recover from his previous blunder.
"I think it's my turn," the brunet concluded as he finally stopped his stretching and turned to face the other man, causing L's face to flush slightly and he cursed Raito once more.
"Then go in," L called out as nonchalantly as possible, "I will turn around as you get unchanged. Tell me when you are ready."
When Raito had finished his bathing and stepped out of the shower, the blood rushed to L's cheeks. There was the godly brunet, a towel wrapped loosely around his waist, held on lightly by one hand that didn't seem to even want the towel there. Realizing he was staring at an inappropriate place at an inappropriate time, the panda-eyed man redirected his gaze to meet Raito's face. Perhaps it was his wishful mind showing him what he wanted to see, but he could have sworn a look of lustful, yet wistful longing was on Raito's face. Flustered, he quickly undressed and took his own shower before the two made their way downstairs for breakfast.
- -
In the kitchen downstairs, the Task Force gathered to have breakfast. Breakfast was a casual affair. Every officer came and went at their own time, eating as little or as much as they were used to and converged without asking at approximately nine every morning to commence working. As of this moment, it was seven and only Matsuda and Soichiro were at the table. L and Raito slipped in silently, the two of them sitting beside each other, earning odd looks from the Task Force once more from their suddenly close proximity. For the last ten days, Raito had sat across from the older man, the chain of their handcuffs clinking on and off the table top as each of them reached for their respective foods of choice. Well, more like L reached for his cake and tea while everyone else ate healthily. Caffeine and sugar; they were his best friends. Well, besides Matt, that is.
"Good morning, everyone."
At seven thirty, Aizawa stepped through the door and the group exchanged their greetings. He walked past the refrigerator in the spacious kitchen and settled into his seat. He looked like he was ready to collapse from exhaustion. The group did not dare to ask any questions. Well, all of them except for Matsuda.
"You're early. What happened? Are you okay?" the ditzy officer asked casually, a small piece of toast falling out the corner of his mouth and onto the tablecloth.
"Eriko got mad last night. Got home past midnight and Yumi was waiting for me. Apparently, she wouldn't go to sleep without seeing her daddy. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that my daughter doesn't forget that I exist, but... but... after Yumi went to sleep, Eriko kicked me out and I haven't slept since. She said to drop the Kira Case first and then come back home. For Yumi's benefit, she wants me to drop the Case and be a father. She can't stand that she never sees me for more than twenty minutes at a time. I just don't understand... I don't know if I..."
"Hey," Matsuda pat his friend's shoulder, "she still loves you, alright? It's just her stress and worry talking."
"But what about quitting the case?"
"Aizawa, I know you're not one to give up. Tell Emiko-san you're doing this for the good of the world and the safety of future generations. And you should just take a day off to spend with Yumi-chan," Matusda advised, a rare blip in his usual inability to say anything productive or intelligent.
"Yeah, I guess..." the other cop mumbled, twirling his wedding band around his finger, changing the subject before the silence at the table became any more awkward, "so, L, have you had any progress with your evaluations of Higuchi's words and death?"
"There is much to be checked," L began, pausing for a brief moment to look at Raito cautiously, "the killings have stopped for too long now and the public grows restless. As Matsuda informed us all yesterday, the crime rate has not yet budged since the absence of Kira activity. However, this causes me to wonder what Second Kira is doing at this moment. It seems unrealistic to me that there are simply no notebooks in existence beside the one we have now in our possession. Based on the notes that were sent to Sakura a few months ago, I believe that Second Kira has his or her own notebook."
Aizawa nodded, seemingly having blocked out his problems at home and swallowed every word that came from the revered detective's lips.
"Okay, then if Second Kira has another notebook, why hasn't he done anything?"
The detective snuck a quick glance toward Raito's direction, only to be met with tense eyes that bore right through him. It was unnerving, but he would persevere. What could have made the younger man so angry? Was that even really anger?
"If my suspicions are correct," L continued, placing a finger to his lips as if in contemplative thought, "I do believe that Second Kira is merely following Kira's orders-"
"Can we please just forget about the case while we're eating in the morning? Let's just focus on breakfast. Please," the youngest member at the breakfast table requested, earning immediate silence.
The rest of the morning was spent in a level of noise so low that it went beyond serene. It was downright scary.
- -
Brooding, the brunet laid back into his pillow and closed his eyes. L couldn't help looking over to him for the umpteenth time that day. All morning, he had been sneaking peeks at the untouchable beauty, trying to figure out why the man was so frustrated. Teenagers were supposed to be moody and angsty, but Raito was far too mature to behave this way without a truly upsetting reason. L knew this was something important, especially when felt his chest tighten as he watched the brunet gently bite his lower lip in frustration. The feeling worsened as Raito's fists clutched the bedsheets in obvious dispair. Not only was the unknown reason upsetting Raito, but it was now making L uneasy as well.
Does his behavior have something to do with this morning?
Seeing Raito's eyebrows scrunched in frustration and his chest rising and falling at uneven rates told L that something was seriously wrong. He couldn't watch motionlessly as the man who was once his source of pure, unashamed happiness tore himself apart over something so unknown, and possibly trivial. Even though he was sure Raito no longer felt the way he did before regarding the older man, L was going to act. Now. Putting himself out in the open once more for a conversation, which, unbeknownst to him, was to end with emotional damage, he confronted Raito.
"Raito-kun, I would like to speak with you."
"About what?!" the brunet snapped.
L winced at the suddenly harsh tone, already regretting his decision to begin vocalizing his intentions in the first place. He bit his lower lip gently, a sign that he was practically drenched in nerves. Instantly regretting his actions and calming his voice enough to mend his speech, Raito responded once more, but with a gentler tone.
"Yes, Ryuuzaki?"
It took a few moments for the detective to recover from Raito's quick change in personality. The student's face had gone from irritated to shocked to apologetic in the short time span of four seconds.
"What happened to you? You were acting strange today. It is not like you to be this jumpy and this easily irritable."
"I'm sorry... I just..." the brunet trailed off.
After another three minutes of watching Raito fiddle with the cuff chains in near silence, it became evident that L was not going to get an answer. That is, unless he pushed for one.
"What?" he finally ventured.
"It's just that... that..."
"What?" L demanded, "Stop repeating those same words over and over again. Just tell me what is wrong."
Raito looked down to his hands and to the chain that linked him to the older man. With a gentle tug, he began pulling the chain toward himself. L put up no restraint to the effort and simply allowed his hand to be guided to the other man's. Slightly calloused, yet slender fingertips caressed his skin and tender lips brushed against the bask of his fingers. L squeezed his eyes shut. He should have been happy, but he could not bring himself to smile. The silence had been too long.
"It's just that I still love you."
And with that fact admitted, Raito roughly pulled the fragile detective toward him and hungrily attacked those sugar-coated lips with his own. Unable to register what had happened, L was unresponsive. Slowly, the younger man lost his sense of urgency and the kisses became softer. L simply sat and allowed his lips to be taken until he summoned enough strength to push Raito away. Although he had been still the entire time, in the end, his face was just as flushed as Raito's.
Awkward silence had followed the burst of movement and contact. They simply sat beside each other, unsure of what to do next. This night was to be filled with
"Then why did you not speak to me for so long?" he inquired, collapsing off the balance of his feet and curling into a ball.
Although his reasoning ability dropped when he was off his feet, the proximity of his knees to his chest ensured that it had only dropped by a twenty percent instead of forty. He eyed the younger man biting his lip, simultaneously wondering why Raito was doing it and wishing that perhaps he could be the one applying pressure to those lips at the moment. Clinking of chains and rustling of bedsheets shook L's wandering mind back into reality. Gazing up at this ex-lover, L waited (almost impatiently) for a response.
"The break. I needed to spend some time apart. Because we can't be separated physically, I thought maybe if we didn't talk, it would be easier."
Do all breaks work this way? I do not think so. In fact, I know he is not stupid enough to believe that emotional disconnection would help ease any sort of pain. I do not understand why he would say this... his reasoning would seem logical if I was gullible in that respect. I have spent too many years reading and watching people to not know that this was a sad lie pulled out from the open air.
"I apologize, Raito, but I do not think that you were truly avoiding confrontation with me because of the break. I know that you have a high, but hidden sex drive - do not try to deny that fact - and I know that there is no way you would let me sleep unmolested for over four days. I simply cannot believe your reason for silence."
The younger man sighed in defeat. A small flare of anger ignited within L's body when he realized Raito had truly been hoping that the obvious lie would be enough. I twas insulting, to say the least, but he quickly extinguished that small fire. No need to go burning down an entire village because of a single villager.
"Alright then. I lied a bit," Raito admitted, which somehow made L feel better.
" 'A bit,' you say?" he asked rhetorically, raising an eyebrow.
"I just-"
"Do not start repeating those same words again," L interrupted, "just tell me the truth. Please."
"I just don't want you to hate me!"
"Why I would hate you?" L demanded.
"Well, this morning, you wouldn't even look at me!"
"As of this morning, you had not spoken a single word to me for over a week! Do you expect me to suddenly be open to talking to you?"
"I..." Raito trailed off, losing his spark.
L felt his obsidian eyes softening. For the past week, he has been trying to bring himself to a state of emotionally stability. The detective both wanted to forget Raito and win him back, but he knew that was an unrealistic approach. Would accepting the boy back into his life as a lover be safe? Or would it be better to just let go? Could he even let go at all? Instead of choosing now, he decided to tell the truth. Whatever happened would just happen. He would let Fate take the wheel and drive him down whichever path he was supposed to go down. Hopefully, She wouldn't decide to suddenly become a sadistic b***h when his future was at stake. Fate seemed to him like Love's schizophrenic half-sister that had a tendency to enjoy ******** with peoples' lives a bit too much. Not that he believe in Fate. Kinda.
"Raito, I could never hate you."
Raito seem to struggle for words for a moment. His eyes were cast down and remained so until he seemed to have accepted L's words and formed his own response.
"Do you promise?" he asked with an undertone of yearning for acceptance.
"Yes. I promise."
Raito looked up from the chain, his expression heavy, pleading, and regretful. Judging by the expression in his eyes, L was sure the next words from the student's mouth would change his world for good. Nothing would be the same again. In retrospect he would wish that he could have prevented Raito from telling him. If only he could tell what was to happen, if he had known what sort of information he would become privy to in a mere ten seconds, he would have done anything and almost everything to prevent ever knowing.
"In that case, L, I have something I need to tell you."
 minikimii · Fri Dec 19, 2008 @ 06:24pm · 1 Comments |
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