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This is what I've learned during my short period of awakening. 'Awakening' means a rousing from slumber, an increase of consciousness. The awakening for me is occurring on all levels, physical, mental and spiritual. Inner Voice says the initial seeds were always within me, and, indeed, when I look at past journal writings, I find this so.



Each day, I learn more. Is this not the whole of the 'Kheper/Xeper', the 'willed conscious evolution' that propels us to be more than what we've been? Thus it is, I find myself always 'in process'. I test new things to see what I can learn.

And now I'll share what I've learned in these past few months.

Shortly after my loved one, Laura, died, I came into possession of Anne Rice's, Cry To Heaven. This was back in late summer of 2002. Her sensuous writing style mesmerized me, but I was curious, for I'd heard she wrote about vampires, and this book featured none. So I began searching the library for her books, and got started on the Vampire Chronicles.

Soon, a vampire mythos of my own devising inspired me to write some vampire fiction of my own. And I began to scour the web for every reference to vampires. The pain of losing my loved one made me wonder if in fact there WERE immortals who walked the earth. The thought of a lover one would not lose to death intrigued me.

But what I found in that search disappointed me greatly. I found so many false claims, of people wishing to be 'more than human', that I grew dishearted at humanity's ability to lie to themselves. That they are all the more fervent believers of those lies makes it only the sadder.

On a lark, I thought, 'Hm, I've checked everywhere else, let's see what the Satanists have to say about the vampire subject.' Links led to links, in which an entire vampire philosophy was exposed. I found the 'me predator, you prey' brand of philosophy not very appealing, but some aspects of their focus was fascinating. The concept of 'ego-worship', declaring one's own divinity, drew me. I experimented and found it energizing and liberating.

From there, my whole spiritual framework opened up. However, I didn't quite understand what they meant by 'life force'. Finally finding more truthful discussion formats elsewhere on the web, I learned of the thing called 'ambient energy'. I decided to experiment to learn if this thing really existed. In large gatherings of people,
'I observed the subtle shifts in energy as people came and left and others came. Each human puts out a distinct energy signature. Previously, I had not known this consciously.
Later, . . . . I noticed this again was the case. Each human threw off energy, which was there to leave its indelible mark for the psychically sensitive.' (These were observations I made the end of May, 2003)

It took some while before further experiments were made. I hadn't a clue at first upon observing these 'vibes' how anyone could draw them into oneself consciously. The truthful informative sources explained how psi-vamps have an energy deficit, that their bodies do not generate it like other people do. I've never been an energetic person, and as I've gotten older, I've found this increasingly so. The agonizing fatigue had been getting so bad, I was literally falling asleep at work. After three times of being nudged awake, I thought it prudent to experiment. Bringing a fully energized me to all my tasks is important.

On August 9th, I recorded the following:

'On our Friday night food fest, which after three such celebrations is becoming a tradition, I noticed a few things. I'd noticed the 'communal' nature of the first Friday Feast experience, and have since noted this has been common to all of them, no matter what the seating arrangements.

Everyone there is enjoying a particularily joyful celebration, as the work week is finished, they've likely just been paid, and a sumptious meal is being devoured. It seems we are all partaking of an ancient Epicurean rite as we savor the moment.

With that, LOTS of good energies are being tossed about! I could feel the happy vibes bouncing off of each other. One psi-vamp calls it a''huge pot of chaotic energy stew''. It's quite easy to channel this cast-off energy into oneself. I've probably been doing it unawares all along. So as I fed, I 'fed'.'

This initial experiment really was the beginning of the full awakening. I then became aware of a stronger energy emission, which I can sense when my astral body intersects with another's astral body, upon getting close to a person, and the humming energy is so rich. Ambient, I understand, is freely tossed off and no longer belonging to the person. I'm not so sure of this other type, closer to the person themselves. But it is so juicy and rich! Am I a thief to pull a little of it into me?

Some might say so, thinking it breaks the Wiccan rede 'an it harm none'. I try get my main feed from the loose ambient supply, and when I do pull from closer to the astral bodies, to keep it only a little bit from each of the 'many', to lessen any harmful effects it might have. I can't keep the psychic fingers off the juicy stuff. It is so much more rich, and I am much more quickly energized.

I am grateful that there is a solution to my energy needs. With a grateful heart, my heart feels light, and I pass the test of Ma'at. I ease any sort of strain I might place upon the environment and others by conserving the energy I do have, by however source I obtain it. I try to get an adequate amount of sleep and eat sufficient quantities of healthy food, via the vegetables, fruits, grains, nuts, fish and less saturated fat, to get enough vitamins, minerals, proteins and calories.

Learning better means of dealing with stress is a big help. Not taking on more than I can handle is another. Learning to say 'no' is very helpful. Finding better ways of dealing with those stressers I cannot remove may be a matter of attitude adjustment. Learning not to worry so much helps. Learning how to simply relax is a good thing. I've learned that the intake of energy is aided by a deep breath on the intake. This deep breath can be multiple purpose, as it can be an aid to relaxation as well.

And I try not to burden myself with needless guilt. This is also a waste of energy, a crushing of the soul. Our energy need is a real need, no different than our need for physical food. In this world, there are those who don't understand, and may react with hostility. But I try not to return hatred for hatred. I am greedy thirsty, yet I have my innocence. That's what one visit with the Mystery told me. My inner child, who can be quite the 'bad-boy', is favored, for he has no malice in him. He's up to the ends of his long red hair in greed and lust, but he has no malice.

It's easier that way. I think to have a heart burdened by hate would be very hard, indeed. I am not trying to sound like a 'saint' here. It is just the way I feel. Hate is such a waste of energy. And energy is such a precious and rare commodity. I appreciate each and every bit of it I can siphon from the ether. With a joyful heart, I partake of all my meals, enjoying the uniqueness of each sip's flavor.

'Taking care of ourselves' is taking care of ourselves in all ways. This is something of which to be proud. Through all my careful actions, I can bring to my experience of life the best possible me I can be.

This is where I am at today. But this is always a 'process'. Where I shall be a year from now, I can't fully say. Does ever complete awakening occur? I've heard some declare it takes as much as three years. Possibly, for every experiment I can give the vampiric experience, it may take that long to fully understand myself and my relation to the world at large. I correct that, it will take all of my life to do that, and still there will be mysteries untouched. I look forward to future discoveries.

May we value who we are, and what we can uniquely contribute to the world. May all our lives be long and healthy.