I'm at a loss for words.
I see that I am neglecting you. But don't you see, that's what I was warning you about all along? I know I am not right for you, and this is why. I do not treat you well, because I am happy where I am, and that puts you in a very bad situation. I do not know why I'm doing this, but I know I'm being selfish. For some reason, I don't care; at least not right now. Because I go through moments of crippling guilt, and then bitter uncaring, and then this. Just....there.
You have a boyfriend now, but still this. You are still grasping at the cuffs of my pants. Is he only a placeholder? Is he aware he is simply a place holder? And if that truly is the case, then it is not a relationship you need at all. But I want you to be happy. I want you to be happy with him. Because I cannot do that, especially now, when I am for some reason perfectly content with being selfish to no one but you. For this, I apologize.
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IDW that with him. I said it. IDW happiness w/ anyone else but you.
My heart is heavy for you and only you.
You aren't as bad for me as you think.
Stop the neglect and things will change.
Stop forgetting about me.
Stop intentionally pushing me out.
But you won't. You are happy. And I want to slit my own throat because I didn't do it. Beacause I haven't been your escape for almost three months now. A FOURTH OF A YEAR. I'm selfish too. I want to be the one to make you happy. But I'm not Carlos (he truly gets ******** everything). Yet I'm stupid enough to think that this will end some day, that you really want me here, and that we'll be happy together. You scream the things you find hard to believe yourself. But I love you, so the bitter truths will just be lumps in my throat until maybe some things change.
Because IDK. You're sorry. And it's my fault you have something to be sorry about. I should learn to take a ******** hint. I wish sometimes that you'd have just hit me so I really knew. But you can't, you won't, and it's probably a good thing. So what if I've got a guy. My life's still in the shitter because you aren't there.