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The Mutant Pizza

I don’t know how it happened! One minute I was inventing a shrinking machine with my friend, the other I was a tiny five millimetre dot on the kitchen counter! I was wearing a diving suit, just in case I was shrunk, and then I could go swimming in the kitchen sink. But no, I didn’t go swimming in a sink! Instead I went swimming in the human body!!

I went exploring at first after I got shrunken to make the best of my tiny size, while my friend was wandering around, trying to find me, but I didn’t mind, the tiny world was interesting! Especially the pizza with all the pepperoni and tomato sauce, even the cheese. I was busy looking at the anchovies when suddenly I was being brought up towards my friend’s mouth! I didn’t want to be eaten, so I easily jumped off of the pizza piece and watched in horror as the piece got munched, I was glad that I wasn’t there.

I turned around to face another pizza piece, right in the face, wait a second…FACE!? “Your friend ate my brother! Now you must pay!” It shouted. I tried to run, but I was promptly swallowed. This was no ordinary pizza, it was mutant! I was churned first by mechanical digestion, and then soon followed by chemical. “NOOO!!! I’ll be broken down into simple sugars!” I shouted, but nobody was there to hear me.

I passed unhurt down into the esophagus because of my acid proof diving suit, and I sighed in relief. But then….Peristalsis! I got mixed into other bolus on my way down with muscle contractions pushed me down into the stomach. Oh great, the stomach…I can’t wait until I’m made into chyme by unrelenting gastric juices.

I got churned and churned for what felt like endless hours and I watched uncaringly as a goat was slowly digested into chyme. I tried to escape from the sizzling juices, but the mucus coated walls always threw me back down. I passed unharmed through the duodenum, the first part of the small intestine, and for about 5 hours I was immersed in bile and chyme. BILE!? But I’m not a glop of fat waiting to be broken down into smaller droplets! Or be absorbed by the process of absorption by tiny villi! I tried to punch the folded wall, but only got mucus on my gloved hand.

I got stuck in the middle of some feces beside the head of the lifeless goat, which I have to admit was kind of creepy when the undigested blank eyes stared straight at me…At least the large intestine was a bit calmer than the small intestine, with it always twisting and turning endlessly. I barfed right onto the goat head without a care, it was already dead anyway. The leftover water was absorbed around me, but the head stayed as solid as ever.

Finally, the part which I most resented, the rectum. I sat there for not a very long time until I was released through the a**s. I struggled out into the fresh air and immediately saw the mutant pizza. I grabbed the goat head and flung it the pizza. The pizza turned around, confused, because of course I was covered in feces, but I didn’t care. I jumped onto the pizza and repeatedly banged what I thought was its face. I grabbed some thread and wrapped it around the mutant until it stopped its futile struggling. I HAD DEFEATED THE PIZZA. Only then I noticed how weird that sounded. Looking around, I found the shrinking machine and turned the right switched to make me large again. My friend was gone, so I went to wash the feces off in the shower. I ate the rest of the pizza, “HOW DO YOU LIKE THE SALIVARY AMYLASE NOW HUH!!??” I shouted towards my stomach. “The gastric juices have done something to my mind haven’t they?” I muttered to myself. At least I know first hand what happens in the human body, and I will never think of it again…EVER! Maybe next I should make a memory machine.