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Don't mind this much..it's just abunch of my favorite qoutes that I'm coding for myspace...


How about cool quotes instead?

 
Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.
-- Demetri Martin
 
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.
-- Demetri Martin
 
If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.
-- Dave Allen
 
I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.
-- Tommy Cooper
 
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
-- Tommy Cooper
 
In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought...I must put a roof on this lavatory.
-- Les Dawson
 
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
-- Milton Jones
 
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
-- Emo Philips
 
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
-- Emo Philips
 
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
-- Carl Zwanzig
 
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
-- Jack Handey
 
My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
-- Wendy Leibman
 
I've got a very poor sense of direction. I keep forgetting which way is forwards.
-- Geoffrey Parfitt
 
Those prizes in Cracker Jacks are a joke. I once got a magnifying glass. It was so poorly made, ants were laughing at it.
-- Scott Roeben
 
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
-- Ronnie Corbett
 
Show me where Stalin is buried and I'll show you a Communist Plot.
-- Edgar Bergen
 
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
-- Ellen DeGeneres
 
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
-- Tim Vine
 
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.
-- Douglas Adams
 
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
-- Samuel Goldwyn
 
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I only lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
-- Elayne Boosler
 
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
-- John Alexander Thom
 
Men will confess to treason, murder, arson, false teeth, or a wig. How many of them will own up to a lack of humor?
-- Frank Moore Colby (The Colby Essays)
 
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits
-- Albert Einstein
 
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
-- Albert Einstein
 
A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.
-- Jerry Seinfield
 
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day just exactly fits in the newspaper.
-- Jerry Seinfield
 
Where lipstick is concerned, the important...
--Robin Williams
 
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
-- Robin Williams (from Mork and Mindy)
 
If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
-- Robin Williams
 
There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad.
-- Salvador Dali.
 
I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork.
-- Peter De Vries
 
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
-- Tom Clancy
 
A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.
-- William Faulkner
 
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
-- Terry Pratchett.
 
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
-- Garrison Keilor
 
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
 
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
-- Paul Merton
 
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
-- Steven Wright
 
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
-- Dave Edison
 
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt
--Joseph Heller
 
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.
-- Eric Porterfield

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