I have unleashed something inside of me tonight that I really wish I hadn't discovered.
it started out a quiet evening. I had the house to myself, so I was on the computer. I had wanted to upload some photos to facebook, but it wouldn't work. for the second time. I was also trying to handle a dog that was OUT OF CONTROL. everything I tried to do to lock him up or calm him down failed. Soon dad came home. He had leftovers from a dinner he was at with mom in town. I thanked him, and went about putting the food in the fridge that I didn't want to eat. Suddenly, an orange juice container that I had put on the tip of the ledge fell, and proceeded to knock over one of the two pies that dad had brought, and puppy was right under it so he started whining because it must've knicked him. he disappeared, and I went about cleaning up the mess. then out of the corner of my eye, I saw him squat and take a piss on our brand-spankin'-new rug. I, of course, drop everything (including the rag full of useless pie) and rush after him. He sees me coming, and runs with his tail between his legs out of my reach. after a few times, I caught him, and by now my rage was about to boil over. He had done this so many times... I grabbed him, dragged his nose through the fresh piss a couple times, and was practically yelling, "No, you damn dog, no!!" I went back to the kitchen for more paper towels, and discovered the roll empty. So i went back to the master bedroom for paper towels.
En rout, I completely scared myself. I just started screaming. And screaming, and screaming. And not just any normal scream: these made my jaw rattle, made my throat start to hurt after the first one. But it felt so damn GOOD! I could finally release some of that pent-up anger, frustration, regret, and sadness that I've been building up! s**t just even talking about it makes me want to do such shrieks again, but my throat hurts too much. It hurts even to breathe right now. Anyways after I started screaming (it was completely out of my control by then) I suddenly found myself on my knees, my trembling hands covering my head. I just kept screaming. It felt kinda good, so I urged them on. I was frightened by their ferocity though. I had never even heard such screams, much less uttered them myself. After I thought they were over, I struggled to my feet and continued on my way to get paper towels. About 4 steps after the first attack, another came. This one just as bad as the first. This one I had wanted, had urged on to get even more frustration out. However, it was shorter, and thankfully, it didn't happen again.
I grabbed the paper towel roll I was looking for, and went back to the kitchen. On the way there, I passed the dog. He ran away from me now, ran with his tail between his legs. I felt like crying, but I couldn't. no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't. I finished cleaning the mess, and also cleaned up the dog piss. Garth had gotten somewhat used to my strange behavior, and was standing on the other side of the kitchen looking at me. I crouched on the floor, and sincerely told him I was sorry I scared him. he forgave me pretty fast, but still kept his distance. But then a couple minutes later, when I felt whatever had been in my system during the screams start to ebb out, I found him standing like a guard close at my feet at all times. I calmly put on a jacket and shoes, and took him outside and explained to him that he is to piss outside, and ONLY outside. I stood with him, waiting for him to go. It took a lot longer than expected, but he went, and we went back inside again.
Now I am at the computer, documenting this before it has the chance to go back into hiding, waiting for another chance to attack me. For awhile Garth laid on my lap while I was typing, napping but protecting me. I could feel that he wanted to please me, and was upset by my sudden mood swing. Then mom and troops came, and they're taking care of him now in the kitchen. This is giving me time to relax and reflect. However, now I am emotionally drained, feeling nothing but the pain in my throat, and tired as heck.
There is still work to do yet. I have to decide on songs to play tomorrow at the band thing, and work on my United Nations powerpoint and my verb story thing. I also really need to get working on my art pun- I'm already way behind...
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... *terminates*
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