Continuing from my last post, i nearly destroyed my self, well at the very least the respect people and myself have for me, becuse of my journey to find something to fill the gap. So i turned to the internet. I guess i was thinking that if i extended my net wider, maby i could meet more people. it worked, i met so many people. i was able to get to know people in ways i never thought probable over the net. in some ways my real life and "net" life kind of melded, no i didnt get confused on what was real; my net life begain to complement my real one. for me it became a chain that renforced some of my friendships, for alot of them it was the icebreaker.
....i still wasnt fable to obtain what i wanted. i felt important, like my thoughts had weight to them and people wanted to hear them, when ever i was on the computer or on the phone. But as soon as i pressed the "end call" button, as soon as my computer shut down for the night, the lonlyness would return to me swiflty. Like an ocean filling my void, it matched it and left me overflowing...but with lonlyness.
I am a strong beliver that nothing in this world last forever especialy people, and if people cant live forever how can their relationships with one another? my point is: iv seen my fair shair of ends; that doesnt mean i have to like it.
i could say that for along time i was hiding under a vail of lies, so its only natural when i finaly show my true colors to people they might get angry. its happend more then a few times though...
my own falt.
i guess i feel like, everything i have to offer in a freindship, in a relationship of any sort, it wouldnt even hold their intrest. some might say that critizise myself too harshly and that i have alot to offer, infact had i said something in the first place, it would have been fine.
i dont think that would have been true, i think its becuse although they hated the fact that i lied....
they hated the truth i gave them even more. they hated it so much i dont think any of them would have let us have a relationship in the first place. honest.
i used to feel that i had to lie to befriend many, and i think to befriend some i actuly did and if i had not we would not have been friends, but...
i guess i came to a revelation, if i have to change things about my self, if i have to give people a pair of ruby colored glasses to see me, then that means they would not accept me for who i realy am. so im done with that, im done pretending just to make the moment together last longer, im done building our future with an unstable path of lies, im done looking and hopeing that i could get to know so-an-so if i feel like they wont even talk to me for who i realy am.
i am done.
[end part 2]
Rain Skyward Community Member 
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