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Harry Potter’s Things I’m Not Allowed to Do at Hogwarts

•A wand is for magic only; it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or drumming on desks, no matter how bored I become.

•Albus Dumbledore is not my personal Jesus.

•Albus Dumbledore’s proper title is “Headmaster”, not “My Liege”.

•Announcing "Remember: Save a broomstick! Ride a wizard!" is not an appropriate way to conclude a Quidditch match.

•Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgûl is coincidental.

•Asking, “How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?” and walking away is only funny the first time

•Asking Professor Snape if a house ever fell on his sister is wrong, so is asking him where he keeps his flying monkeys and if I could touch them.

•Bungee jumping off the astronomy tower is against the rules, even if it isn't written anywhere.

•Calling Voldemort "Baldemort" is inappropriate.

•Citizens of the United States are known as "Americans" not "Those Idiots Who Don't Know How to play Qudditch correctly".

•Draco Malfoy does not appreciate being called 'Ferret Boy'

•Dumbledore is not Santa, he does not wish for me to sit on his knee and demand presents, especially not in June.

•First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.

•First years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.

•Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".

•House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers

•Humming/singing/referring in any way to Duran Duran's "Hungry like the Wolf" around Professor Lupin is inappropriate. It's best not to bring up "Thriller", either.

•I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.

•I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes”.

•I am not allowed to declare an official Hug A Slytherin Day.

•I am not allowed to introduce Peeves into paintballing.

•I am not allowed to make lightsabor noises with my wand.

•I am not allowed to scare the first-years by screaming "I'm melting! I'm meeeeeeeeeeeltiiing!" while they are in the showers.

•I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways.

•I am not allowed to spank others.

•I am not authorized to sell nude picture of the faculty to students. Giving the same nude pictures out free of charge is also frowned upon.

•I am not to introduce Professor Snape to Judge Turpin. There could be a high chance that one or both of them will be killed by the wrong person, or kill each other. Same goes with Peter Pettigrew with Beadle Bamford and Bellatrix Lestrange with Mrs. Lovett.

•I am not to "walk on water" in front of Muggles.

•I am not to dance naked in the great hall, Or on the grounds. Generally, dancing naked is wrong.

•I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.

•I am not Xena: The Warrior Princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my entrance to any classroom.

•I am to stop asking Professor Snape to Yule Ball.

•I must not spread rumors that Lucius Malfoy is, was, or ever will be known in Death Eater circles as "Dobby's b***h."

•I should not ask Professor McGonagall if, while in cat form, she has ever coughed up a hairball.

•I will never ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling.

•I will not ask Dobby why he doesn't look more like Orlando Bloom, nor will I ask him if he works for Santa Claus in the off-season.

•I will not attempt to animate my marshmallow Peeps.

•I will not attempt to determine whether Malfoy is a natural blond.

•I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.

•I will not cast 'Petrifcus Totalas' on myself in order to avoid going to classes.

•I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of “Knights of the Round Table” for the Christmas feast.

•I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.

•I will not enchant the Golden Snitch to fly up the nearest fan's nose.

•I will not follow potions instructions in reverse order just to see what happens.

•I will not give Hagrid Pokmon cards and convince him that they are real animals

•I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"

•I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout, “I have the power!”

•I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and take bets on which house will come out alive.

•I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his “time of month”.

•I will not play the Darth Vader theme for Professor Snape, Or Voldemort. However, when Lucius Malfoy visits, I may play it

•I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".

•I will not put books of Muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.

•I will not refer to the Accio charm as “The Force”.

•I will not refer to the hippogryph as "Horseybird".

•I will not refer to the Weasley twins or the Patil twins as “bookends”. In fact, I should not refer to any twin as such.

•I will not say the phrase, “Dude, get a life.” to Lord Voldemort.

•I will not send Professor Snape toothpaste and Shampoo for Christmas.

•I will not sing the "Beverly Hillbillies" theme song when the Weasley family passes by, Or the "Hee-Haw" theme song, Or "Eight is Enough".

•I will not sing, “We’re off to see the wizard!” when sent to the headmaster’s office. I am definitely not to sing it accompanied by the house elves acting as a backing group, especially not with kazoos.

•I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.

•I will not steal Gryffindor’s sword from Dumbledore’s office and use it to patrol the hallways.

•I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

•I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.

•I will not tell first years they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.

•I will not use my socks to make hand-puppets of the Slytherin house mascot.

•I will not use the Marauder's Map for stalking purposes.

•I will not wear my DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT! shirt to school.

•I will not yell, “Believe it…or not!” after any of Dumbledore’s speeches.

•I will try not to run around with my hands in the air, yelling, “Gimmedabook!!!”

•If a thought a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

•It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously. Same goes with Professor McGonagall.

•It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory, no matter how wicked the result will be.

•It is not necessary for me to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes points away from Gryffindor.

•It is not necessary for me to yell, “BAMF!” every time I Apparate.

•"Liften Separatis Crotchum" is not a real spell.

•Lucius Malfoy's cane is not a 'pimp cane'.

•My headmaster's name is Albus Dumbledore, not "Gandalf."

•My name is not “The Dark Lord Happy-Pants” and I am not allowed to sign my papers as such.

•My wand does not vibrate.

•No matter how good Australian accent I can do I will not impersonate Steve Irwin in Care of Magical Creatures.

•Not allowed to lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet to see if hot gay sex will occur. In fact, I’m not allowed to lock anyone in a closet to see if any kind of sex will occur.

•Not allowed to take house points from first years for "being too goddamned short".

•“OMGWTF” is not a spell.

•Professor Flitwick’s first name is not Yoda.

•Professor Snape does not enjoy being called "Snookums", Neither does he respond favorably to "Sev", "Snapey-Poo" or "Debbie".

•Professor Snape does not look handsome in cornrows.

•Professor Snape is not and never has been a 'sexy b***h'.

•Referring Professor Flitwick as a lawn ornament is cruel. Funny, but cruel.

•Regardless of how much Professor Snape’s hair might annoy me, it is inappropriate to sneak into his room at night and shave it off.

•Seamus Finnegan does not have a pot of gold under his bed, Or under his robe.

•Seamus Finnegan is not “after me lucky charms”.

•Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from "Phantom of the Opera”

•Shouting "Accio Dobby!" is not the proper way to get house-elf assistance.

•Singing 99 Bottles of Potion on the wall nonstop repeatedly will result in a detention.

•Sneaking slugs into Ron's food is not funny. He does not like being reminded of his incident.

•Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year’s Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.

•Teaching first years to chorus in unison "The amazing bouncing ferret" whenever they hear the name Draco Malfoy is just wrong, funny, but wrong.

•The bludger is not a bowling ball, and Professor Snape is not a bowling pin. I will not attempt to prove otherwise.

•The four Houses are not the Morons, the Borons, the Smartasses and the Junior Death Eaters.

•The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

•There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth house at Hogwarts. And I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.

•“To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys” is not an appropriate career choice.

•Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not permitted on the school grounds, not even for entertainment purposes.

•When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce, “These are not the droids you are looking for.”

•When Death Eaters are attack Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout, “To the Bat Mobile, Robin!”

•When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good vs. Evil, will not lift my wand skyward and shout, “There can only be ONE!”

•“Y'all check this-here s**t out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental spell.