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Diagnosis: Nuerosis. Prognosis:??? |
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I never used to consider myself as neurotic or compulsive...however, lately I've seen a side of myself I do not like. It's a grumpy...genuinely apathetic...pessimistic...and WORRIED part of myself. The dark side doesn't always manifest so distinctly, and really hasn't until now. It's like i'm being pulled toward a goal that i'm supposed to reach NOW...although in reality it may take me alot longer to reach on my own terms. Anyway, yes, as much as I tried to play it off right there, this is yet again about my and my relationships, or lack thereof.
Where do I begin?
...Ok, so i've been really...totally and completely...digging Muse's album "Black Holes and Revelations", and one song in particular has been on my mind since I heard it. It's called "Hoodoo", and it's the first song on my blog playlist if you're listening to it. (cough...that's WHY it's there...lol). Anyway...at the end of this thought provoking ...dirge, this line has stuck with me:
"I've had recurring nightmares
That I was loved for who I am
And missed the opportunity
To be a better man."
So, anyone who's actually read my profile knows i've got something to change. heh. Matthew Bellamy (the lead singer/lyricist/composer) has a point there...he's right. You can always be better than you are...and anyone who accepts you as you are and doesn't expect or accept change in you isn't doing you any favors. Sure, it's understandable why someone like myself would put that in thier profile to begin with...what with all the facades out there...all the "glam girls" who have no excuse in the world to dress like that, all the "tough guys" who have no excuse to act like that.... So, I suppose that in order to rephrase my "personal add" statement, "I want someone who likes who I am, but also challenges me to grow and become something more." When I think abut it...yeah...that's what I really wanted in the first place.
As far as finding relationships, no dice. The older I get, the more people ask me. Grandparents...certain sisters *ahem*...longtime platonic (aka already taken...<_< wink friends...friends of the family. I can't get through a week without someone asking me. And you know what? With all the twenty-somethings I know that are married or gettng married shortly, only a few of them are really happy; and a good deal of the the fourty-somethings I know are or are getting divorced. I'm not looking for marriage...specificaly. I'm lookng for a kindred partnership...if it goes beyond that, I suppose we'll just have to see. Also, I know what I want, and i'm very picky outside of the situation...however, in a situation I find myself compromising and trying to make the circle fit into my box. Maybe that in itself is a problem...maybe what I want is too much to ask. On the other hand, other people seem to be finding it...so what's my problem? I'm not as thin as I could be...and i'm making a half-assed attempt at thinnning down...but at least it's working with minimal effort. *chuckles* I like to stay inside...I like to watch movies, play video games, and surf the internet. I like to go out too...but not an awful lot. I guess you could also say that I don't like to spend money...but I do impulse buy from time-to-time. I'm also going to take this opportunity, while i'm patting mself on my back, to aknowlegde that i'm some sort of genius. 3.7 GPA, baby...Ruined only by my sub-par performance at math (read C+), i've had all A's this past college term. Mostly A minuses, but an A's an "A"...or so i'm told. did you know i'm working and taking Honors classes? hah hah. *pat pat pat*
Anyway, I'm looking for a girl that challenges me...a girl that doesn't take what I say at face value, a girl that makes me think beyond my initial assesments of situations...a girl that leaves me begging for more... Because honestly, I need to be challeneged or I lose interest. And by challenge I don't mean playing mind games...that really, really annoys me. I mean...someone who makes me genuinely want to participate...who tickles my intellect...who shows me new things...who shows me new ways of looking at old things...someone I can relate to...or run things by to get a trusted opinion that I actually might follow...in short, someone that does the same thing to me that I try to do to others. At this rate, i'll be single forever, but i'm ready, and i'm looking...as jaded as I may become from time to time, i'm still looking. And contrary to the advice i've gotten ove the years, the truth is, I like what I like. I love Pokemon, I love Chris Farley, and I just like to goof off and be random. Ask Josh...I can be so random they put "See Christian Snyder" in Wikipedia. <==== yeah...and I can be really lame too. ^_^
So....yeah. 19 days yet. I'm kind of worried about who I might happen upon at the local bar scene. Like...see people who really obviously don't want to see me. Yes, as hard as it may be to beleive, some pwople actually hate my guts. I can't blame 'em though... to them, reality is just another type of TV show...and i'm foaming reality at the mouth. Not that i'm down to earth all the time...in fact...didn't I just pretty much say i'm a goofball? Lol...i'd better quit now while i'm ahead.
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