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I just had a moment of complete and utter distain for the entire human race. Not to worry, I'm sure it'll pass.
Yesterday morning, I woke up and a completely different person was on my mind. Usually, I go to bed thinking about one person in particular, and again once I awake. But not this time. I don't know how I feel about that. Maybe we aren't as close as I thought. I used to think we were really good friends but... things have become... strained lately. We don't talk like we used to anymore. I can go ignored for long periods of time before this person even acknowledges I'm there. I think... maybe I've done something to ruin it. I'm not sure what it is, but I'm pretty sure it's my fault. After all, things have been happening way too fast for me, and I'm none too easy to get along with anymore. Now, I know I can be insensitive, cold, and downright cruel at times. However, I can honestly say I'm seriously hurting over this seemingly irreconcileable gap between us. I used to wake up every morning and look forward to be able to share a few words with this person.
That just isn't the case anymore.
Now, it feels like someone's tied the strings of my heart to a crumbling stone wall and started cutting across them with a rusty razor blade. I don't know where we stand anymore and... It hurts. I'll admit that. I'm in pain. It's all I can do right now to keep from crying. It's pretty much tearing me apart inside. This person used to bring a smile to my face. Now, I feel myself tense up. I can't relax. I'm afraid anything I say can be turned around and used against me. I try to keep things light between us, try to keep the conversation going with little things, small comments, a joke or two... but nothing seems to work anymore.
Still. I'll be wearing a necklace that reminds me of this person when I go under the knife, if it's allowed. Because no matter what anyone says, there's always hope. The difference between hope and luck is that hope involves faith. I have faith that someday, things will be okay between us again. Still, I'm no idiot. Simply having faith in something doesn't mean it'll happen. I may never again be comfortable around this person, but I have faith that things might be okay again.
Someone recently asked me to describe myself. I basically said I was a sarcastic jerk who could really care less about people if I tried. However, I do have a soft side as well as a heart of glass. It's easily broken. I told this person, however, that every time an old wound is opened up again, the scar tissue that forms over it gets harder and harder to penetrate. Eventually, I said, my heart of glass will become a heart of diamond. Still beautiful and precious, but hard and unrelenting. It may shine under the light...but in the end, its just another cold stone.
It's 5:46 pm and I'm completely exhausted already. All this thinking has worn me out. That, and the fact that... well... I'm still on my way to becoming a human nightlight.
Oh... And Akkie gets to keep my Raccoon City Police Department shirt (Yes, I am that big of a video game fanatic) after I take my... "extended vacation." Because he's the only one with enough balls to ask for it. xp
I'm going to sleep.
 Bleeding Apocalypse · Sat Aug 20, 2005 @ 10:50pm · 4 Comments |
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