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You're all either dying of shock or laughing madly and calling me a liar right now, I'm sure. But bear with me.

I'm the first admit I can get fangirly about my yaoi and shounen-ai. I love to read (good) smutfic, I talk about it often enough in LJ and on Gaia, I like to see it in anime and manga. (I also like a fair amount of het pairings, but that's neither here nor there.) I can live without smut... I just sometimes choose not to.

However, as you can see above, writing smut is not really included. I know that a lot of people I chat with like to read smut, but writing it is really embarrasing and not something I have that much of an interest in doing - at least at the nc-17 level that some people seem to want. In my entire online life, I've RPed explicit smut exactly once - about this time last year, in fact - and it was tame *nods* It was also the hardest thing I'd ever written and involved me blushing like crazy and being extremely embarrased about the whole thing. Since then I've done exactly one explicit chat/script RP and it was very OOC and not impacting the official storyline of that character at all, so it was a bit more relaxed.

I have to admit though, I much prefer writing the lead up to, and follow up from, smut - as opposed to the explicit stuff. I think it's easier and it's somehow less pervasive, while still having a powerful impact. Part of it might also be that if I'm RPing for characters, and if effects their storylines (which I think it should), then I'd rather focus on how it actually does effect things, before and after. I don't want PWP, I'll only ever get semi-explicit to get strong feelings or character development across (Roth realising he's actually in _love_, a character struggling with unfamiliar or repressed emotions, etc.). It's usually much more about development than smut.

This is not to say I'm against writing smut. I'm not. I just don't do it as often, or as easily, as people might think from the way I speak about it online.