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I walk the world with the cloak of despair over my shoulders. Fear is locked around my neck, the rusted shackle tearing into my flesh, piercing me and holding me bound. Loneliness holds my ankles and sinks my soul into the fiery pits of hell itself. My body stands on the cliff of death, all of me wanting to fall from the ledge, so I take a bold step forward, the chains clink then I…I let myself go.

I fall; the depths of utter darkness grasp my waist and pull me into its open arms. Pain scorches every bone and every part of flesh; even my mind and sanity flare with in inevitable torcher. Until I hit the cold damp ground and my eyes flutter open, tears flying into the air around me.

My surroundings slowly flow into my eyes as I awoke from my gruesome nightmare.

“About time you wake up,” his taunting apathetic voice murmured.

Groggily I sat up from the sidewalk, the street lamp’s lights blinding me momentarily.

“Having a nightmare?” his voice said again, this time right next to my ear, barely audible.

Turning my head I saw him, the weaver of my despair, the key holder to my fear and the welder of my loneliness.

“What are you doing here?” I mutter, turning my face to hide the tears that glistened in my eyes.

“Well to be honest,” he chuckled, “Taking a midnight stroll, how about you?”

I could tell just by his voice that he had that smile, that smile that was so mysteriously mesmerizing and even without seeing it, its mystical powers throttled my neck making it impossible to breath.

“I…I” I stuttered, my face turning red from embarrassment and lack of oxygen.

“What, you’re crying yourself to sleep like a wuss! Ha!” the unseen cord around my neck tightened as I gasped for air, “Being that weakling I once loved,” air filled my lungs at last and I turned around ready to maul him to death but I stopped.

His eyes were looking into mine, those deep and dark depths of brown that brought back memories of long ago, his face so perfect and muscular, yet soft and comforting and that teasing smile; he rendered me speechless as I gawked in pleasant awe.

“I see,” the smile disappeared from his face and formed a crued frown, “Still the same.” He turned, his eyes looking away from mine, the beautiful trance broken.

“What do you want Jacob?” I mumbled as I tore my gaze away from him.

“Oh nothing.” Jacob replied, his hand reaching and touching one of my red curls.

I swatted his hand, “Jacob, don’t lie”

“Well,” he chuckled.

“Well what!?” I hissed, glaring at him.

“You never change do you, Kayla?” he rolled his eyes and slipped his hand into my hair, his eyes piercing me again.

“Don’t change the subject Jacob,” I wrenched my eyes away from him, yet again tears flowing from my eyes.

“Aww, why are you crying?” Jacob teased, “Embarrassed that your ex has just found you sleeping in the middle of the park?” His laugh echoed down the empty path.

“Jacob, don’t!” I pushed his hand from my hair and stood up from the ground; the midnight breeze blowing my waist-long hair, making it look like fire in the dim light.

“I came here to forget about you! Not to be taunted and mocked by your presence!” I spat out the words with false anger.

“Oh don’t lie,” he sneered, “We all know why you came to this park, to this empty path and why you were crying on that bench!” he pointed to the wooden structure that my jacket lay on. “It’s because you cannot forget me!” Jacob stood up and towered over me, “It’s because you’re too weak to forget me and you’d rather remember and hurt yourself Kayla. Stop lying to yourself damn it!”

I stood there trembling as tears formed at the edges of my eyes and spilt over and rolled off my flushed cheeks.

“You see Kayla, you can’t forget,” Jacob whispered as his arms slowly wrapped around me.

“Get away,” I whispered.

“You don’t want me to go,” he murmured.

“Yes I do,” I replied whipping tears from my face.

“No you don’t,” Jacob held me tighter.

“Get away!” I wrenched myself from his arms. “You have a girl already! You even too the privilege to rub it in my face that she was better than me!” I took a step back, my hand groping for my jacket.

“That doesn’t mean I don’t care,” he said, his eyes dancing in the light.

“Yeah, but don’t your remember, you said yourself that you just don’t love me anymore, Jacob,” my hands found the bench and grasped my jacket. “See? You don’t care about me anymore, just about that girl who is better than me, that cheated on you the last time you were with her,” I lashed out his painful memories for the world to see.

“That doesn’t matter,” he whispered.

“That is exactly what I said about you,” I laughed, “And look at me now!” I swirled around with false glee, “Aren’t I just the happiest?”

“Stop it Kayla!” he said fiercely.

“No!” I yelled out.

“Kayla!” Jacob hollered.

“What?” I slowed to a halt and stared him in the eyes, “You love me?” The words rolled from my tongue like venom, with no feeling and no hope.

Jacob took a step forward and took my hands into his, “I’ve loved you since the day I meet you Kayla.” He smiled and my airflow stopped again. “I want you to know that I do love you, and that I wish I was good enough for you.” His voice slid through my ears and hit my heart with such a force it broke the already shattered pieces.

Grasping my jacket tighter, I turned and ran, and as I ran, the park, the path, the bench, and Jacob slowly disappeared from view and from my thoughts until I found myself at the door of my studio apartment.

I fumbled with my keys until the door creaked open. I stumbled drunkly into the large room and threw my jacket onto my cluttered bed. My watery eyes wondered around my room, and then by some strange rush of anger, I stormed to the nearest wall and began to wrench artworks off the wall, my art works.

First came down the colorful abstract, the one I had painted the first time I had met Jacob. Next came the oil of the park; our first date, until only one picture hung on the wall. This one wasn’t a painting but a fast and shaky sketch and from the wall two very distinct eyes held me captivated and one smile rendered me breathless. With force equivalent to the amount of tears I shed over him, I ripped and shredded Jacob’s portrait until all that was left was four bare walls, a pile of canvases outside my door and a mess all around me of small paper pieces.

As more tears fell from my eyes, I watched the smoke swirl into the night sky. Every now and then I would toss another painting into the flaming trashcan until no more reminders of the past remained and I just sat there, watching how the flames licked the canvas and how easily the paint cracked and disintegrated.

I sat and watched the flames dance and lick my artwork until all that was left was a metal can of ashes, which blew in the morning wind. “Ha,” I laughed as the sun rose over the rooftops of buildings and the warm light was cast down upon me. “Finally an ending to this hurt,” I stood and rubbed my freezing arms and climbed up to my apartment.

The bare walls watched as I moved a few sketchbooks from my sofa and lay on the soft and comforting cushions and flipped my small television on. The morning news rolled across my screen, “Car wreck early this morning two people thrown from car, both in critical care, names not released yet. Breaking news! Suicidal man found in the Worchester Park this morning by jogger,” the reporter said.

I perked up and fumbling with the remote I turned the volume up, “The man whose name has been release, Jacob Hammons, was found early this morning at three, hanging on a tree above a park bench by a crud rope with a note in his hand. Let me see here, we have obtained a copy of the note and here it is.”
My eyes blinked as I stared at the screen and staring back at me was Jacob’s familiar handwriting.




“Isn’t that something,” the news reporter said as the Jacob’s note flickered from the screen, “What love can do to a man. It’s heartless!”

I turned the television off and cried, cried until no more tears could flow from my eyes. “Stupid Jacob!” I threw the remote on the floor and curled up in a ball, “Why must you still do this to me! Why! Couldn’t you just have lived and gone home to your stupid girlfriend!”

Days passed, and still I sulked, the words of his note echoing in my head, I couldn’t get over the reality that he of all people had died, killed himself, then told me he was sorry. Who did he think he was? How could he believe yet alone think that I could ever forgive him?

Months drew on until at last his final words hit me. “Live your life happily,” I whispered them as I opened my tear-covered eyes and saw the sun rising through my window. “Jacob,” his name passed from my lips.