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September 20, 1999

I was given this journal to write, and for me writing is my release to say everything I never had the courage to. It's not that I can't say it, but it doesn't come out right. So this is actually written for all those moments, and for the people in my life I tried to tell... because I love you all.
This year has been a struggle for my emotions and in some ways my sanity. I had one of the most amazing summers. I fell in love with an eight year old and a 21 year old. But in some ways they were the same. Bright eyed and adorable they both love to live... for the moment and for the things they enjoy. I envy them. I came to understand that what makes me truly happy is watching others be happy and take pleasure in those things. If along the way I have something to do with their happiness my job has been done.
Then I was uprooted from my newfound happiness and family... Back to a place which had formerly been my refuge. It had now turned into my self-created nightmare. Who had I been and WHY?? How could anyone enjoy waking up to a pounding Headache and a dry mouth?? I couldn't Every morning Understand anymore and that is what scared me the most. Worst of all I felt like a piece of me was missing. And I know who had it and still does but it was just beyond the reach of my fingertips. Until I saw him, and then I knew, He makes me truly Happy. Just like Duncan could make me smile in a heartbeat. they tug at a part of my heart. But you don't realize just how happy you are until it's over. Which seems depressing because that could be most enjoyable moment ever... and you not know until you thought back on it. I'd love to take back a lot of moments and relive them. My experience with Love (but was it really?) my first High, my first heartache. And so I need to re enter the reality so I will leave with this healthy thought:




The journal ended after that. My brother found this in a book at a charity store. I took the pages, and wrote this. It is exactly as it was written, minus underlines. Think about this. Imagine it is you. -Mangateen14, changed forever.