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[Stories and Thoughts]
David takes me “shopping” and we go to a jewelry store. He wants me to buy something, and I know he’s just trying to cheer me up. I buy a small gold dragon, it’s kind of ugly but I’m just doing to make him content. It’s the only money I have, but I’m just going along.
My mother died yesterday. It was my fault; I must have stressed her out too much. We were just talking, and it was so sudden, I don’t even know if she is really dead. They took her away from me and they never told me. I don’t know where she is, and I have no family near by. My friends, David and Rebecca, are trying to look out for me. They are concerned and I know they have troubles too.
The factory across the street, it changes all the time. Last time I was there my mother and I explored it. There is one room that’s almost the same, it’s so green. There are couched and tables and chair, all covered in grass and little flowers. Everything is growing and clean. It smells good, not like a potent smell, just a fresh healthy world smell.
This is where we are now. We walk past the fat Land Lady, She owns this room. She is lying on the couch and as we walk in she lifts her head. We walk past and she grunts in recognition and lays her head back down. I wonder if she is called the “Land Lady” because of the way this room is. But I know she didn’t make it, it was something else. Rebecca and I are talking about things, things that happened since she moved away. She knows something happened but she doesn’t know what it was. I haven’t told her yet, and we go next to a table and stretch out on the grass. I keep avoiding answering and she finally just talks about herself, understanding.
There is a pause in her flow of speech. I tell her bluntly and softly what happened. She looks at me and doesn’t day a word, calculating what she should do. I smile and pat her shaved head, telling her it’s ok, that I’m fine. She smiles knowingly and goes on talking about anything other then my life.
After a while the room is gone, and I’m visiting David again. It’s so dark and wet; the bus is cold and dirty. I guess it was a sleep-over because I had two blankets. The blankets were the only thing radiating heat, and I loved them because they reminded me of my mom. They made me happy and sad at the same time, and I realized I didn’t want to walk through town with the bulk of them. As I got off the bus, David was suddenly behind me, helping me off. But I stopped and asked the bus lady if I could leave these under the dash, it seamed logical at the time.
David helped my toss them into the compartment, but as they landed I realized it was full of water. It was nasty, green water, full of little wiggly things. I feel despair and I want to get them and clean them but David pushes me of the bus. I have a two sided argument in my head as we walk to his house. One part of me figures they’ll be fine; I will get them tomorrow, but the other feels sad. They are wet, and cold now, and icky. They are the last parts of my mother that I have left, and I am hurting them.
It’s too late now, the bus has left, David says I can get them tomorrow and I agree solemnly. We go to the jewelry store again, and I want to bring back the ugly gold dragon. I realize that the dragon was keeping me safe, so I keep it.
David, Rebecca and I decide we will jump off the top of the old factory. I wanted to be with my mom again, so that’s why I go with them. I know they have there own personal reasons, and I don’t ask. I pack my backpack full of small fireworks and sparkers. And we clime up the stares, where a small group of people wait at the top. Apparently they were waiting for us; they all wanted to jump off. But when we ask them why they were hear, they tell us about some kid, who jumped off and died yesterday. We look down and we notice the blood on the cement.
We set of the fireworks and sparklers, but we don’t jump off. I decide that I’m going to try to find her, and give her the burial she wanted. When we leave, we walk through the green room. It’s still light and beautiful even though the world outside is dark.I go get the wet yucky blankets off the bus, and we all go to David’s house to sleep. I clean them and then I go home, to decide what to do.
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I want to find a place where I can fall as far as I want. I want to find the person who will catch me no matter how far I fell. But most of all...I want to find the person who will hold me, no matter how many pieces I have broken into.
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Mark, the time.
In time the places have changed, make a copy but never the same. Open the door a thousand times, but never reach the other side.
Keep the key in your pocket, burning a whole in your pocket.
Keep it there to show its value, but remind yourself…
He’s gone.
He’s gone.
……
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The ever amazing, stunningly awesome, truly beautiful, and lastly, forever in memory!!!!
The chaos.
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Shits and Giggles, Buttons and Bobbins, Candy and Tears.
Why can’t we glue it to the TV? Why because mom said so, and that’s the best reason we would get. She yelled at me, but she’s not really mad, she’s just sad that it’s broken. Bugs are so cool, and what’s wrong with having rocks in my pocket? They laughed but it hurt, I guess it did look funny though. I was crying and they didn’t notice, I don’t want them to see but I do. I need a hug.
I like dolls still, but no one else plays anymore. I don’t want to throw my stuffed animals away, not yet anyway. No more “when I grow up” ill think about it later. I want this and that but it’s really “need”...really. Bugs are so gross and rocks are dirty. Why can’t look like everyone else? Not that I really want to…I just want to be cool. Hugs?
Soda is for teen’s right?! What college is everyone else going to? I failed math, how? Nail polish is really expensive, will you buy me some? She yelled at me, I yelled back. I hate everyone. I was crying and they didn’t notice, I don’t care they hate me anyway. She said this but she heard it from him. All lies. Hugs? Don’t touch me!
Where’s my camera!? I need this notebook for my other class. I wish you were in my pathology class, it would be cooler. I lost my homework on the way over. Football is lame but the parties are cool. Call mom and ask her if were doing something for thanksgiving. Call dad and see if were doing something for Christmas. Call grandma for money? Decorate my dorm so it’s less like a tomb. Bugs are cool and rocks have history. Moms mad at dad still. He’s moving to Florida. No more Saturdays. Hugs from friends, I miss mom.
Mom’s at graduation. Dad isn’t. I hate him. Got an offer from a four year college, closer to mom. Mom needs help around house. I can have my old room back but man do I need to re-decorate. Lots of papers for car accident. Moms mad that I was reckless, I’m mad about it too. First night back fun. Making dinner together and scrabble till midnight. Next day busy at car shop, Expensive and ripped off. Dad calls and offers money for car; I say no. mom apologies for dad and cries. I hold it in and hug her. Why can’t I get a loan? Because mom said so. Hugs and tears.
Got my own apartment close to mom still she still needs me. Dad came up a month ago, only for a “short visit” and to ask if I wanted to come live with him. And his new b***h. Fighting and mom’s not crying anymore. Cold hate and quite. He leaves us telling us we were his greatest mistake. Mom agrees and shuts the door in his face. We go out for ice cream later to cheer up. Boys boys boys. Mom laughs about my fist. I laugh too because it is funny. She drives me home. I have bills and paperwork. New college hard work. Boyfriend is an a*****e. I would dump him, but I don’t even have time for that. I cry and no ones notices because mom’s not here and he’s drunk. I need a hug.
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[continued on next entry]
 Never Ask Dante · Thu Aug 23, 2007 @ 03:59pm · 0 Comments |
