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My sister has some friends over. It makes me sad because she has so many really cool, nice and fasionable friends that she can mess around with and hang out with all the time and she doesn't act like a loser or say stupid stuff around them and she doesn't let them walk all over her. It makes me think about what my life would be like if I hadn't made the dicisions that I have made about friends. Maybe I would be popular. Everyone reminds me that they thought I was going to be cool and Miss. Popularity at school. Which 1. Makes me sad because they are saying I'm not cool and 2. Angry, because everyone is nagging me to be cooler, more out going, smarter or more popular. I can't, this is ME and if you tell me to be myself and not to care about what everyone else says, then why does everyone complain about how people act? If they accepted people as who they were THEN we would have world peace and all the fantasy stuff. But thats not going to happen, because we were designed to be this way. Un accepting. I am determined to be as nice and accepting as I can, that is why I am trying to be friends with the people no one else accepts. Like Peachie or sarah. But they act as if they are the ones who are victims, and I can see at most times that they are. But no fully. They can be some of the back stabbing-est, hypocritical people I know. They cry about how they are bullied and they go flick some one off, or complain to them for something that they do them selves. I really annoys me how people try be mean to people for fun. I am not trying to say I am perfect by writing this. I'm far from it.
But this one occasion made me realize how horrid people can get.
Peachie was doing her usual being bullied to tears episode out side because once again Tiana had been talking crap to her and making fun. So Peachie goes out side of the room. Ms. Bailey goes out side to snap her out of it and Tinica is all "Shh! I wanna listen!" And the room goes silent to listen to what Peachie is saying to Ms. Bailey. I slam my binder down and start making loud noises. Tiana and her side are like "WTF! Lois! Stop it b***h! We are trying to listen!" And my side is like "NO! Its mean and blah blahblah" But the fact that people could actually stoop to the levle of listening in to someones convorsation when they are crying is horrible.
I think that I COULD have had more friends, better friends, if I wasn't friends with some of the people I am friends with... but then, if I wasn't, they wouldn't have any friends at all. And that is what makes people commit suicide, shoot people or stuff like that.
I don't understand why people do that. I spend most of my school year resolving rows and consoling people who have been bullied... ok maybe only 2 or 3 people... but it is tireing and it sucks up my lesson time because I am late for class and I have to get out of class to fill out event forms. It is also emotionaly tiring because I now don't have friends who will stick by me no matter what. They seem to use me. And I get upset and cry by myself because I don't know what to do. Like the war between Sarah and Peachie. It is frustrating because sometimes they take it as a big joke. But they don't realise the impact it is having on me or anyone else. I try hard to make them forgive each other, but they either start complaining to me for even being friends with them, they start talking badly about them or they laugh about it and pretend they don't care or that it doesn't matter. But I get sick and tired of it. It's not fun. It is draining and I don't know how long I could carry this on for. And if I stop helping them? What will happen then?