• Chapter 1 : What does marriage have to do with love?

    tab Shizuma sat at the dinner table musing on how much she enjoyed waking up and finding a steaming bowl of Nagisa's aromatic black coffee waiting for her. She took a tiny sip of the coffee, but no more than that. Nagisa was still in the kitchen working on their eggs, after all, and it was much more fun to enjoy breakfast together.
    "How would you like your eggs, Shizuma?" Nagisa called from the kitchen. "A lot of salt and pepper or just a pinch?"
    "I don't mind, as long as it doesn't make a splat on the floor," Shizuma called back.
    "Aw!" sounded an indignant Nagisa. "I'll have you know I'm getting a lot better at flipping eggs!"
    "So how'd you end up with egg-yoke in your hair yesterday?"
    "That was just a fluke!"
    Nagisa was true to her word and delivered egg and toast that hadn't had been in close contact with the floor. After Nagisa had put the fried eggs on the plate on the table, she removed her apron and sat down next to Shizuma.
    "Well, dig in," Nagisa said eagerly. She watched Shizuma expectantly as the silver-haired beauty cut a small piece of the omelet and popped it in her mouth.
    "Delicious," Shizuma smiled at Nagisa. "Have some! It's your creation."
    She needn't have told Nagisa that twice. The hungry girl threw herself on the omelet and started to consume it in record time. Shizuma took a big sip from her coffee and looked on with some concern.
    "Alright," Shizuma said. "What's going on with you, Nagisa?"
    "Uhmmm... nothing," Nagisa muttered with her mouth full.
    "Nagisa," Shizuma gently put her hand on Nagisa's back. "The only time when you eat this fast is when you've got something on your mind. You can tell me, sweetie."
    Nagisa sighed heavily. "It's just that... I thought this'd blow over. And... It's just that, my parents will be coming to town tomorrow. I only heard yesterday." Shizuma could read in Nagisa's face that it was giving her a good amount of stress. Many conflicting emotions.
    "Is that why you were so quiet last evening?" Shizuma asked carefully.

    "Yeah," Nagisa sighed. "They're probably just here to tell me how nasty bad our love is... in person this time."
    "A little late, aren't they?" Shizuma smirked. "We've been together for over two years and all they ever sent you are some letters and some hurried phone calls." It was unfair to say that. Despite their apparent lack of interest, she Nagisa loved her parents and that their approval was important to her.
    Nagisa kept her eyes downcast. "Why couldn't they be more like your dad? He's so nice."
    Shizuma nodded. Her father had been very accepting of their relationship and, for one thing, was glad to see his daughter had finally shed the deep-seated grief that had plagued her for years after Kaori's death. "Yes," Shizuma sighed. "It's a shame he's not in the country more often. He just adores you, Nagisa. I... just dread a repeat of the Cosmo-incident."
    Shizuma saw Nagisa blush deeply at the memories. Shizuma's father was nice, but he had no sense of shame. While having dinner with the two girls, her father had (rather loudly) quoted from an article in the American Cosmo about 'oral techniques' that would be perfect for a young lesbian couple to make use of. "Yep," Shizuma bit her lip. "There are just some things you absolutely do NOT want to talk about with your dad."
    Nagisa blushed even deeper. "Still nice of him to give us the clippings, though."
    "Oh, yes that was nice of him," Shizuma coughed. "Uh, change of subject?"
    "Please!"
    "How about picnic after class today?" Shizuma smiled. "Takashi and Rie invited us to join them and Akiko in the park today. I'll pick up some fresh bread and some..."
    "Cake!" Nagisa spoke with pleading puppy-dog eyes.
    "Took the word right out of my mouth," Shizuma winked. "Perfect moment to celebrate passing your midterms and the start of the weekend all at once."
    "Cool," Nagisa said. "I just hope Akiko can talk about something else than Gun dams for a change."
    "I've known her for two years, and I gotta say 'no'."
    "Okay, then," Nagisa smiled. "Takashi's nice, though. But I've never seen a man eat so many chicken wings in one sitting."

    Shizuma chuckled. "Takashi and his weird ideas. He's been trying to talk me and the rest of my classmates into buying Harley Davidson’s so we can cosplay the cast of 'Easy Rider'."
    Nagisa seemed to zone out for a moment. "Na-gi-sa," Shizuma gently tapped the tip of Nagisa's nose with her index finger to bring her back to reality.
    "Oh, sorry," Nagisa blushed. "I was just thinking about you. You are sitting on top of a Harley Davidson wearing those tight-fitting leather biker pants, cool black shades and a black leather jacket while your gorgeous hair flows in the wind." Almost immediately Nagisa zoned out again. "Yes," she finally said. "Yes, yes, buy one, yes! I could wrap my arms around your waist and hug you when we ride through town."
    "Hm, bit too butch for my tastes, though," Shizuma thought for a moment.
    "Aw," Nagisa pouted. "Think about it. You could be the cool bad-girl biker and I could be your woman!"
    Shizuma giggled slightly at the mental image. "I thought you already were my woman," Shizuma replied.
    Nagisa blushed. "Uh, yeah, I am, but... it's nice to think about it."
    Shizuma smirked. She wasn't quite ready to join the Hell's Angels quite yet, but she did have an idea that would be a nice compromise. Shizuma told Nagisa to wait and rushed into the bedroom. After rummaging through her dresser for a moment and changing her clothes, she came out of the bedroom wearing an old pair of jeans, a pair of black boots and a pair of black shades.
    "Come on, Nagisa. I'll drive us to Uni," she said while lowering her shades slightly to peer Nagisa directly in her eyes. She chuckled briefly when she saw Nagisa's mouth fall open for a moment. It was nice to know that after two years, she could still stun her beloved.


    Though they enjoyed hanging out with their friends, Shizuma was painfully aware that Nagisa got more and more nervous as time progressed. And as Shizuma was driving towards the hotel where Nagisa's parents were staying, Nagisa was quiet and kept looking out of the window.
    Shizuma smirked for a moment and then started to drone. "Gundam 02, as the Death scythe is code-named by OZ forces, is equipped with standard Vulcan guns and machine cannons for ranged weapons. However, its primary armament is its large, deadly beam scythe, capable of slicing through enemy mobile suits like a knife through hot butter."

    "Aaaaaah," Nagisa giggled. "Don't you start too! I already learned more about Gun dams than I ever wanted to know."
    "Made you laugh," Shizuma winked.
    Nagisa half-smiled. "Thanks, Shizuma."
    "Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?" Shizuma asked after parking her car in front of the hotel.
    "It's probably for the best if you stay here," Nagisa twittered nervously. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be cold, it's just that..."
    "I understand," Shizuma replied with a smile and laid a hand on Nagisa's shoulder. "I'll be right here if you need me, okay?"
    "Thanks, Shizuma," Nagisa smiled and leaned in for a brief kiss. "We'll go dancing afterwards, right?"
    "Sure," Shizuma smiled. "Take as long as you like, sweetie. I'll be waiting for you."
    Nagisa steeled herself and opened the door. As if her feet were weighed down with lead, Nagisa slowly stepped into the hotel lobby. It was a nice hotel, if a bit opulent. Certainly her parents' style. She figured the company her parents worked for were picking up the tab.
    "Miss, can I help you?" asked the lobby attendant.
    "Uh, yes," Nagisa said. "Can you, uh... I mean, I'm looking for the Aoi family. Aoi Orito and Aoi Kaede. I'm Nagisa, they're expecting me."
    Again there was a long trek to the room in which her parents were staying. Step by step, inch by inch... until she stood in front of the door to room 512. She sighed heavily and raised her hand to knock. A dull thud on oaken wood.
    The door opened... and she was immediately swept up in a hug.
    "Nagisa-chan!" sounded the joyous voice of her mother, the mother she hadn't seen in three years. "Look at you. Look how tall you are. You're almost a woman now, Nagisa-chan." Everybody always told her Nagisa took after her mother, and the resemblance between them was uncanny.
    Nagisa took them in, her mother smiling at her, and her father looking at her sternly from the couch in the room. Three years whole she hadn't seen them. That was longer than she had known Shizuma. In fact, her only contact with her parents had been through letters, some hurried phone calls and the occasional e-mail. A mixture of joy and worry filled her.

    Joy because despite everything, she did love her parents. Worry, because they would undoubtedly try to split her from the woman she loved.
    "Please," her father said with the usual hard edge in his voice. "Sit."
    Her father had always been a stern and harsh man. He always expected to be obeyed. She tried to look away from her father's gaze and looked about the room. It was nice, well-furnished and certainly very large for a hotel-room. A separate bed- and living room, nice paintings on the walls, a set of leather chairs and couch.
    "Yes, sir," Nagisa bowed. And so Nagisa found herself sitting opposite to her parents, already feeling intimidated. She didn't know what it was, but under her parents' gaze she always felt as if she was a scared five years old again.
    "You're going to college now," Orito said. "That is good."
    "Yes, sir," Nagisa replied, her head bowed and her eyes downcast. "I, uh, haven't picked a major yet, but I'm looking around."
    "I am disappointed that you haven't chosen to go to Tokyo University, like we expected," Orito spoke with sight disdain. "It would have looked better on your resume."
    "Orito," Kaede admonished, then turned to Nagisa. "You've shown yourself to be a very mature young woman, Nagisa-chan. You have your own apartment now and..."
    "Not her own apartment," Orito interrupted. "That's what we wanted to talk to you about, child. About you and this... Shizuma."
    Nagisa sighed heavily. "You've made your feelings about me and Shizuma quite clear already, sir."
    "Not clear enough, it seems," Orito shook his head. "It's time for you to start taking some responsibility, girl. You're seventeen now and..."
    "Eighteen..." Nagisa corrected softly.
    Orito frowned. "Excuse me?"
    "I turned eighteen five months ago, not seventeen, sir."
    An uncomfortable silence followed.
    "Well, uh," Orito replied. "That's beside the point. What I'm trying to say is that it's time to stop playing make-believe. This is not school, this is real life. You can't play around anymore."

    "P-play around?" Nagisa stammered. "But... Sir, I love Shizuma."
    Kaede took Nagisa's hand and squeezed it slightly. "I'm sure you believe you do, Nagisa-chan, but it's not a real love. It can't be a real love. You've matured, Nagisa-chan, it's time to move on now. It's time to do God's will to find a husband and start a family. It's time to leave this silly girl love of yours behind."
    "I... I can't believe what I'm hearing," Nagisa shook her head. "It's..."
    "Listen up, girl," Orito said harshly. "It's time to stop this before it gets out of hand. This Shizuma of yours isn't even Catholic."
    Nagisa sighed. That much was true. Nobody was more surprised than Nagisa when she found out that Shizuma was, in fact, Shinto.
    Orito spoke. "There's somebody who would very much like to meet you, Nagisa-chan. His name is Kawatsuki Hikaru. He's a very spiritual and educated young man who's looking for a wife. He's from a good, respected family, can more than provide for your needs and would very much like to start a family with you."
    "But... but... Sir," Nagisa replied, desperately avoiding the soul-piercing gaze of her father. "But Shizuma and I..."
    "You'll have to leave Shizuma in the past, honey," Kaede spoke softly. "For your own sake, as well as hers. Hikaru-san is such a nice boy. I've already met with him. He'll treat you well and will respect you."
    "And remember your duty towards your family," Orito added.
    Nagisa weakly held up her right hand, sporting the beautiful ring that Shizuma had given her the night she'd asked her to marry her. "Shizuma and I are married. I can't just..."
    Orito slammed his fist on the coffee table, startling Nagisa who let out a strangled cry. "That marriage is a sham and you know it! It isn't worth the paper it's written on, no legal body would ever recognize it! It's all make-believe and that is going to stop. You ARE going to meet Hikaru and you ARE going to like him!"
    Tears streaked across Nagisa's face as she started to sob uncontrollably. Sure, she had expected resistance and especially from her father, but not this kind of hostility. All day she had been piecing together an impassioned speech. In her mind, she had held this speech in front of her parents many times today. She'd tell them how much Shizuma meant to her and how much she meant to Shizuma. How they had so many plans for the future and how strong their love for each other was. Now that her father was sitting in front of her, looking at her with those baleful eyes she feared to much, she found that she just couldn't. Desperately, she wanted to stand up to her father. To tell him that her marriage mattered to her and to Shizuma... that he could take his wishes and stuff them where the sun don't shine. But under his gaze, she couldn't be anything else than frightful five year old again cowering in front of him.
    Nagisa felt like such a coward. Literature from all over the world had so many stories about people standing up to fight for what they believed in, but as much as Nagisa wanted to fight for love, she found that she was just too afraid to go against her father.
    "Dear Lord," Orito sighed. "We should have never let your sister and her 'special friend' talk us into letting Nagisa-chan attend that damn school, Kaede."
    "You leave my sister out of this!" Kaede spoke forcefully. Orito nodded slightly at her, his way of offering an apology
    "Shizuma's father accepts us," Nagisa whispered. "Why can't you?" It was a last ditch effort.
    "I already told you. You can't go on living like this."
    Nagisa whispered softly. "But... I don't love him. How could I love him? I have never even met him?" 'Plus, I'm not exactly into boys' Nagisa wanted to add, but didn't dare to.
    "Love?" Orito rumbled in laughter for a few seconds. "Love? What does marriage have to do with love?"
    "ORITO!" Kaede admonished.
    Orito seemed startled for a moment. "Ahum, well... It's time to grow up and start a proper family, Nagisa-chan," he spoke with uncharacteristic softness.
    "But... this is the 21st century," Nagisa tried to counter. "If family is the issue, there's so many options open to us if Shizuma and I'd want to have a child. And there are so many children without parents who deserve love too."
    Orito blinked. "Oh, dear god, tell me you two aren't actually considering this."
    "We, uh, talk about it, sometimes," Nagisa half-smiled. "But Shizuma says we should first both graduate from college before we..."
    "Well, we have to thankful for small mercies," Orito sighed. "Child, do you really want to hear the 'abomination in the sight of God'-speech? Should I tell you where the road this deviant behavior put you on will lead?"
    That was it. Totally below the belt. It was just too much for Nagisa. She burst into tears and ran out the door.
    "Nagisa-chan!" Kaede moved after her, but when she peered into the hallway, she could already see Nagisa rounding about the corner. She sighed heavily and returned back to the couch where her husband was calmly reading the paper again. "Orito!" Kaede shook her head as her husband sat back in his chair and sighed heavily. "Was that really necessary?"
    "We have to be harsh, Kaede," Orito sighed. "The world out there is harsh and Nagisa-chan has to face reality. Now we just have to make sure she'll meet Kawatsuki-san. Don't worry, Nagisa'll do as she's told. We raised her that way."
    Kaede shook her head. "Because it's her duty to her family, right?" she said, as much a statement as it was an accusation.
    "Hm," he replied gruffly. "Ah, I see there's an art exhibit at the local library. Perhaps we should go tomorrow. Hm, kabouki play at nine, which sounds interesting. There's plenty of entertaining things to do in this city."
    Shizuma was just listening to a boring political chat-show on the local radio, when she saw Nagisa running towards her. She felt her heart skip a beat when she saw tears streaming down Nagisa's face. Nagisa dove into the car while still crying profusely. Shizuma offered her beloved a handkerchief, which she eagerly took.
    "Nagisa..."
    "Drive," Nagisa sniffed. "J-just drive."
    Shizuma did so and drove calmly away from the hotel for a while. She'd switched off the radio, and the only things that could be heard as they drove into the evening were the slight hum of the engine and Nagisa's heart-shattering sobs.
    "I was wrong," Nagisa said. "I- I should have asked you to come with me. I'm so sorry."
    "Well," Shizuma tried to offer an encouraging smile. "Nothing new, right? We already knew that they don't approve of us being together."
    Nagisa nodded weakly.
    "Hey," Shizuma took Nagisa's hand. "It's going to be okay, sweetie."
    Nagisa sniffed. "I... I just wanna go home. Can we go home? Please?"
    Shizuma had become increasingly worried about her beloved Nagisa. When they had gotten home, Nagisa hardly talked. She mostly sat on the couch apparently deep in thought.

    Shizuma had gently tried to probe what had happened at the hotel, but Nagisa had not been forthcoming. And seeing it only made Nagisa sadder, she had stopped probing.
    Moreover, Nagisa wasn't hungry. Shizuma knew like no other how Nagisa's mood affected her eating patterns. Nagisa ate fast when she was nervous, she ate slowly when she was enamored, she ate cake when she was happy, she ate junk when she was stressed. But Nagisa not eating at all... that was a bad sign.
    The silence in their apartment was deafening. Shizuma killed some time by taking care of her bonsai-trees in the living room, but made sure to keep an eye on Nagisa at all times. Poor Nagisa only sat there on the couch, looking very sad. And Shizuma felt utterly powerless because there was nothing she could to help her at the moment.
    Not a word was said when the two lovers decided to go to bed. Shizuma was the first in bed, after brushing her hair. She lay on her side, watching Nagisa brush her teeth in the bathroom. After taking the ribbons from her hair, Nagisa emerged from the bedroom, walked around the bed and slipped underneath the duvet. Since Nagisa lay on her side with her back towards her lover, Shizuma saw it as an invitation for an embrace.
    Nagisa stiffened when Shizuma's soft hand touched her shoulder. But Shizuma was completely shocked when Nagisa actually recoiled and moved away from her.
    "N-nagisa?" Shizuma whispered, but Nagisa didn't answer. Shizuma sighed sadly... no doubt Nagisa wanted some space right now, and she had to respect that wish. But that didn't mean she had to like it.
    Sleep didn't come easy. Not for Shizuma and, judging from her breathing pattern, not for Nagisa either. She wasn't used to seeing the overly affectionate and open Nagisa being so distant towards her. Shizuma wanted to make it better, but she didn't even know what had happened to her beloved.
    Time passed. She had no idea how exactly how much time had passed, but at some point, she heard Nagisa slipping out of bed. Shizuma pretended to sleep for a moment, then slowly rolled to her other side. When she opened her eyes, she saw Nagisa sitting on her knees in front of the window. Bathed in moonlight as she was, Nagisa was a vision of loveliness. She was silently praying and for a moment Shizuma tried to hear what Nagisa was whispering, but couldn't make out the words.
    After a few minutes, Nagisa rose to her feet. Shizuma quickly closed her eyes and pretended to be sleeping again. She heard Nagisa slipping in bed again.
    "Shizuma?" whispered Nagisa. "Are you asleep?"

    For a moment, Shizuma was torn about answering or not, but before she could come to a decision, she felt an arm wrap around her waist and two soft lips pressing against the side of her neck. Nagisa settled against her and held her tightly.
    Shizuma relaxed as she felt Nagisa's warmth and felt some of the worries drifting away.. "Nagisa?" she asked softly, but judging from her lover's shallow breaths, she was already asleep. Shizuma smiled and put her hand on top of Nagisa's, clutching it to her chest before slumbering into dreamland as well.
    It was a good sign, but Shizuma still knew that something was very, very wrong.