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so ive been pondering on my life and where its going and realize a lot of my thoughts seem to rest on "what if's" instead of "what was" and i can't help but feel saddened by this. was everything i did so meaningless i cannot reflect on any of it and be happy? must i wonder what would have happened if perhaps my feelings had come out sooner? i just dont understand why im like this. would my life be any different if i had admitted my feelings sooner? i doubt it. after all im just not the type of girl any guy wants really. i mean sure im nice and all and yeah im always up for sex (within reason anyway) but im also crazy and sarcastic and rude and well let's face it im just not that pretty and i know it. all i've really got going for me is my firm a** and c-cup boobs and thats not getting me anywhere unless i plan on becoming a stripper or a prostitute (which im not by the way just so we're clear on that even though yes i do talk about it sometimes). im 21 years old and ive done absolutely nothing with my life. i socially outcasted myself because of my fears and insecurities of not being liked and being judged and so forth. which apparently has led me to one disastrous date to another until now where im single. im not the type of girl everyone's fighting for, hell if someone is interested in me i wouldn't even know it. but it's exactly this type of thinking that has put me in the position im in, although it certainly doesnt help that im extremely sensitive. i need to change. and i know i do. but i still struggle to find myself. no matter how hard i try i just cant seem to be happy. i feel like im stuck in a well and no matter how hard i try to escape i keep falling back down. yes there are things i wish i had said when i was younger, yeah i have feelings i wish i had admitted and still wish i could admit to people but i wouldnt be any happier than i am at this moment and i certainly wouldnt be any different. why? because i am not the perfect person. i am not the overly sexy, stop your heart with one look kind of girl. im the type of girl no one would ever give a second thought of dating. im the one who gets enjoyment out of reading, the one who doesnt like crowds or large gatherings, who would rather go out than stay in (when its not so cold out anyway otherwise i love cuddles and movies) <3. anyway, im not dating material. im insecure and jealous and tend to push people away because im afraid of getting hurt. but hey, i am who i am. if you cant handle me at my worst then you dont deserve me at my best. all im saying is, i want to be able to look back on my life and think "im glad this happened" instead of "i wish i had done this". i want to make memories <3
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