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Hold your breath. I wonder what she would say if i told her she was the one who made me who I am and taught me how not to be, the one i will not miss. What hurts the most is that i brought it on myself if only i had been somebody else somebody stronger.
STOP fighting, crying, yelling, fearing, hating, hesitating, running away, second-guessing, holding back
What am I supposed to do again? Stitch me up with thorns you make me feel so helpless there is nothing i can say so what do i even try for? Why did I ever think I had the right to stand? I know what I did, i know how i made myself I just wanted to be noticed, so if i couldn't fit in then i would stand out instead. I didn't mean to but looking back i can see what happened subconsciously
DONT COME NEAR ME!!!!
I see myself all the things i might have been
A shameless slut who thinks that love is something else
A timid quiet girl who's never quite grown up always lingers in the shadows looking nervous
And an angel of ice of stone, cold and confident and independent.
Of course i would rather have been the latter sometimes I almost wish i didn't know what love was. Almost. I hate him because I love him in all the wrong ways, for all the wrong reasons. Superficiality will bite you in the throat. Will you give me just one dance? Just one dance before I go?
Why do I find myself thinking of him instead of you? The love I feel for him is the kind that annoys me, childish and superficial, and it won't leave me alone. It makes me wish he would just go away. But the love I feel for you is the kind that terrifies me, makes all my painful memories come rushing back with your gentle touch. I don't remeber when it happened, but at some point in my life my soul took on a will of it's own, and built a wall of stone around my heart, my true true self. I hate that prison, but suddenly i realize...the outside scares me even more. I've waited for years for someone to come break it down and set me free. But when that happens, what will I become?
 Flightless Phoenix · Fri May 02, 2008 @ 01:55pm · 1 Comments |
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I really hate stupid people. Especially stupid adults in authority. I haven't seen my boyfriend since we met in December. I miss him terribly and he tells me every day how much he misses me too. I had made plans to go see him in Ohio over spring break, my aunt had agreed to let me stay with her, and everything seemed set.
Then my parents stepped in. There was nothing i could say to convince them. It hasn't really sunk in yet just how much it breaks my heart. Maybe because it can't be broken any more. I've never had a long distance-relationship, and i have to say it's one of the more difficult things i've ever agreed to. It helps to talk to him every few days online or on the phone, and he's just recently joined Gaia as well. But nothing comes close to feeling his arms around me, holding me safe and warm forever, looking into his crystal blue eyes and seeing things i wonder if i'll ever understand. Something unconscious keeps the painful thoughts and emotion at bay, allowing me to go on with my quiet life, one day at a time.
To ease some of the longing, i distract myself (which isn't difficult) with drawing, sewing, and making amv's. I've made one so far called "24 for Diclonius", and it's been on youtube for a few days. I've also started listening to t.A.T.u, a russian duet that portrays themselves a lesbian couple confused .
Flightless Phoenix · Wed Mar 19, 2008 @ 02:35pm · 1 Comments |
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Yeah, I haven't posted in forever. Nothing much has happened since my b-day that I can remember, except for Sakise moving to Ohio crying . It feels good to be a senior. Weird but...good. It gives you a unique feeling of power and independence. In my opinion, this is the best age to be. I have no one to be responsible for, no one to take care of but myself, and I do.
There's been a recent and rather pressing change in the moving plans. Instead of Seattle, we will be going to L.A. That's all well and good I suppose, but I still won't be able to finish my senior year with all my friends. Dad says we must be out of the house by January. There's no way we'll be able to sell it, with the way the market is now, so we're just going to give it up.
It will be hard, probably harder than I can begin to imagine, to leave all my friends behind in the middle of my senior year of high school, and move clear to the other end of the countr and graduate with a bunch of total strangers. It always takes a long time for major changes to really sink in. Perhaps I've somehow become cold. I know that I care about everyone here, and I've always imagined us growing up together. But for some reason...I don't cry. I cry about all the little things that don't even matter, and sometimes I even cry for no reason at all. But when big things happen, I mean really major, life-altering, possibly tragic things...I don't cry. I don't even feel sad. Why is that, I wonder?...
Everywhere I go I keep an eye out
Hoping I'll run into you
Someplace where we're surrounded by strangers
So that the only one there who loved you
Would be me Flightless Phoenix · Tue Oct 02, 2007 @ 05:19pm · 0 Comments |
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Happy happy birthday to me! |
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It's been forever since my last entry. I'm so bad about these kind of things. This is going to be a long one.
My birthday was last week. My parents had just got back from Seattle the day before, so they were too tired to do much celebrating. But I got some very cool presents, most of which my cousin apparently picked out. I particularly like the j-rock groupies book. Some of those outfits are just insane!
I had my party on Saturday. It was simple and low-budget, there wasn't much to it except hanging out and playing Guitar Hero in the basement. Sakise and Mercy-Chan got me this very pretty blue and purple tie-dyed summer dress. I tried it on and I felt like little girl pretending to be a fairy princess. The colors had an interesting contrast with my hair, which now has bright reddish-pink highlights as a long-promised gift from my mom. Another friend gave me a string of paper lanterns.
I was kind of disappointed that we couldn't afford to have a more extravagant party. I wanted it to be special this year, seeing as it may be the last birthday i ever spend with these friends. My parents are trying to move to Seattle. As in, Seattle Washington. That's clear at the opposite end of the freaking country! It's practically the other side of the world! It would be painful not to be able to graduate with my own class, to have to make the biggest change of my life surrounded by strangers. It scares me a little to think about it.
But I have always been pretty good at adjusting to new situations, and I think with the joy, energy and self-confidence that all my friends here have given me, I have a feeling I'll be ok.
Everywhere I go I keep an eye out
Hoping I'll run into you
Someplace where we're surrounded by strangers
So that the only one there who loved you
Would be me Flightless Phoenix · Thu Jul 26, 2007 @ 04:46pm · 0 Comments |
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My good friend Yelena has been diagnosed with Leukemia. She's been going back and forth to the hospital for over a week, and at first they thought it was mono. But after they discovered it was not, they put her in isolation, with no flowers and no visitors, where she will stay for at least 2 -3 weeks.
But I've been told she's recieving the best Leukemia treatment in the state, and she doesn't have to finish the school year or take any of her exams (lucky dog!)
I called the hospital last night and they connected me to her room. Her dad picked up the phone. His voice was so full of exhaustion and sadness that it broke my heart a little bit. I was fighting back tears when Yelena picked up. But she sounded more cheerful than I expected. She said she was doing ok but it was very boring and lonely. We talked about school, and I told her she could call me anytime and I would report any news. I miss her in class every day.
On a different note, I watched the season premiere of Criss Angel MindFreak. It was truly the most amazing thing i have ever seen one man do! He levitated in the light of the Luxor Hotel in las Vegas, over 500 ft. in the air, in blinding light and 800-degree heat! He was wearing all white, and when the light came on for the evening, he was standing at the very tip of the pyramid. He floated up into the air and hovered for about a minute or so. Crowds had surrounded the hotel. People were standing dumbstruck in the middle of the road, staring at him. Then the light went out.
I love him. He's like a god.
Everywhere I go I keep an eye out
Hoping I'll run into you
Someplace where we're surrounded by strangers
So that the only one there who loved you
Would be me Flightless Phoenix · Thu Jun 07, 2007 @ 01:09pm · 0 Comments |
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The auditorium was totally sold out for the show. I finally managed to obtain a quality custom-burned "karaoke" background cd for my song. I had planned out my perfect entrance. I had spent a good hour on my outfit and makeup.
I was the 3rd performer. I made my entrance with confidence. The blinding spotlights made it difficult to see the audience, but I had no problem seeing my parents, my little sister, and Tom in the 4th row. Tom was focused on me with the most encouraging smile. But the first thing I noticed was that my voice wasn't carrying very far. I couldn't sing much louder without sounding awful, so I went through the first two verses as though nothing was wrong.
But then, toward the end of the second verse, the worst thing happened.
The music suddenly cut.
I couldn't think. My lips were moving on their own, and I finished the verse a capella. On the outside, I looked calm and professional. But on the inside...everything was out of control. It was as though I had been shot through the heart, but was still taking a moment to fully realize it. I was overcome by an wave panic.
For a fleeting instant, I considered staying on stage and finishing the whole song without music. I certainly knew it well enough. But then the music started over again, at the beginning. The sound crew stopped it immediately, but it was too late. Everyone in the audience already knew. They started clapping, and I figured it was time to leave the stage. None of the techies seemed to know what went wrong.
I broke down, crying for almost the rest of the entire show. But everyone was so supportive and encouraging. My friends are truly the greatest in the world.
Flightless Phoenix · Mon May 14, 2007 @ 04:50pm · 0 Comments |
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The 1st variety show rehearsal will be today after school. I don't know how long it will last, but Willow tells me that there is a definite need to compensate for the unexpected lack of practice days. I don't expect to get home until around dinnertime.
I was disappointed when Tom told me that he wouldn't be able to make it to the show because he'll be leaving for Texas that day. But Karen has vowed to buy the DVD of the performance and force everyone to watch it at the next GNBC meeting, and hopefully he will see it then. I must do my best for all of them.
Flightless Phoenix · Tue May 08, 2007 @ 02:20pm · 0 Comments |
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My fingers are trembling so bad I can barely type. I can't even think. A classmate asked me last hour what I was doing for the variety show. I was totally shocked when I realized what she was saying. I couldn't belive it. I thought for sure she was messing with me. There was no way I could have made it. It had to be a joke. But because of the bomb threat on friday, the school was in lockdown and students were not allowed to leave class.
I spent all of 3rd hour with my stomach churning with anxiety as it finally began to sink in, my mind wavering back and forth between familiar self-doubt and silently exploding ecstasy. I checked the theater door after class to see for myself.
She wasn't lying...I'm in.
OMFG
I
SO
TOTALLY
ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Flightless Phoenix · Mon Apr 30, 2007 @ 04:09pm · 0 Comments |
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4.26.07 Emotional Overload |
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So much is happening right now I'm not sure where to start. I suppose I should start with Tom. He's tall, broad-shouldered, with shaggy chestnut brown hair that hangs in his face at just the right angle. He's incredibly sweet, friendly, funny, and just generally a really cool guy.
I met him at graphic novel club at the library a few weeks ago. At first I was just like all the girls, hyper and clinging to him all the time. But last night i tried a different approach, keeping a respectful distance and acting like a civilized human being instead of an animal in heat.
It was surprisingly hard to do, but it worked. He gave my genuine attention. But the more he talked to me, the harder it became to hold it in. I finally started crying. He hugged me, and his arms were so comforting, his dark brown eyes were so full of kindness and compassion, that I told him how I feel.
My variety show audition is tonight after school, and I rehearsed it in front of the club last night. I'm doing a solo of the song "I Caught Fire" by The Used. Everyone listened attentively. When I finished, the whole room exploded with cheers and screams, and I was bombarded with hugs. Tom hugged my too.
"You're better than most of the people in my chior", he said.
When club ended, he pulled me aside and said he wasn't looking for a girlfriend right now, but he still wanted to be really good friends. I wasn't really upset about it, but somehow I ended up crying anyway. I guess friends will have to be good enough for now.
I asked him, "maybe later?" and he said, "yeah, maybe. Probably actually."
I will be patient, however long it takes. I will not give up. I would die for him.
Flightless Phoenix · Thu Apr 26, 2007 @ 04:26pm · 0 Comments |
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