Friendship is one of the hardest things to define. Well, it's not as hard as love...actually, it might just be. Because when you're in love you know it, but with friendship you can feel it with more then one person, and it becomes confusing. Sometimes you get addicted to being someone's friend, because you don't have any. Sometimes you have lots of friends, so it doesn't matter to lose a few. But what is true friendship? I wish I could know. I think I expect to much from a friend, and I judge them too harshly. I guess I'm just scared of being lied to again, since it seems to happen a lot these days. I never wanna end a friendship, because I never know if maybe it'll get better with time. But sometimes you just stop hoping that it'll get better, and you learn and see and hear some things you never wanted to know about these so called "friends". Then these people you thought you knew all your life aren't what they were, they're different, they aren't the people you became friends with so long ago. As you grow older, you grow apart, probably because it's when you're starting to become your own person and not what everyone else is. Then only a few can actually stay friends, because it's hard to be friends with a complete stranger.
But like I said, I think I judge too harshly, and I tend to point fingers at others more often, and not at myself enough. I think to hard on their actions, trying to come up with the most horrible thing they could be doing, when I should really be trying to understand the most positive explanation.
It's pretty simple really, now that I've seen how I feel from what I've written. I do judge too hardly and I accuse too much, which proves I'm not worthy of friendship. But it isn't cast in stone, I can still change. I've already changed a lot for the better, not for others but for myself. For instance, I'm trying harder not to complain so much, my life ain't so bad so why b***h about it? Thinking back I can remember how much I acted out and complained, just so people would care for me, or give me attention and sympathy. The pain I purposley caused myself, just so I could have a few moments of being noticed. But I overdid it, and it got annoying to those around me. I craved it too much to the point where it was out of hand...
But I stopped all that, hoping it wasn't too late. Maybe I could become the person I've always wanted to be, who everyone wants to be friends with, or at least the friends I already had would want to remain friends.
But it was too late...
Then again, it was only too late for the friends I already had, they couldn't stomach me anymore and I don't blame them. I don't write this for sympathy, though some of you may see it that way, but as advice to those who are falling into the same trap I did. Negative attention is not the answer, just be happy and cherrish your friends. You'll never know how good they were, or how lonely you'll be, once you lose them.
But with death comes birth, right? I have new friends that don't know of the old me, that don't know how annoying I once was. I can start over, I can be the good person, or at least as good as I can possibly be. And it's working, people look up to me, they ask me for advice and let me help them with their problems! I'm making people happy instead of upsetting them for attention, and it gives me a better feeling then any amount of sympathy could give.
I only wish...I had learned this lesson sooner...before I lost the respect of some of my friends. For those of you who are my older friends, I'm sorry. For those of you who let me know the truth of my actions, thank you. And for those of you who I may never see or hear of again, good luck.
Semok Community Member 
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Community Member