i keep my mouth shut & the word weighs on my tongue like contraband
abuse is loosely defined as "the improper treatment of things" how can it be abuse? I am afraid I deserve all of it if I was stronger if I was smarter I could handle it
I tell myself it's a test & I am constantly failing
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drugs
i am not abusing drugs i am using them in the spirit they were intended it's myself I am mistreating
but can you mistreat something worthless? what do you do when you have no health or beauty to preserve? I don't know if I have anything in this life worth holding on to. I've carried a suicide plan in my back pocket since elementary school
- - - - - - - - - sin
I obsess over morality the first time I cut it was because I felt sinful i had slipped up and nobody knew so I needed to be punished
I've been told my whole life that I'm evil
the only time I'm "good" is when I do what I'm told
I'm terrified of making my own decisions because I cannot be trusted what's to stop me from descending into murder & debauchery? I clearly have no moral compass
I have to weigh the philosophical implications of every ******** decision I make and it's so exhausting
the drugs liberate me I embrace evil
if being wicked means making mistakes or challenging authority or caring for my self then I must be the devil
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I know the way I think about myself isn't healthy I don't know what to do with my emotions. I am ashamed of them.
I grew up believing that Good people don't have feelings Feelings lead to violence Wanting leads to violence It's best to just Keep your head down & wait for the moment to pass
I don't think I ever really unlearned that
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I know there are skills for handling emotions & sometimes I feel stupid for not knowing them
I have to remind myself that there's no deadline there's no pass or fail we can only try to do better
