Originally Written: 12/16/18.
One of my negative past experiences that I've learned from.
Long ago when I first started to internet with other people, I rushed into a relationship with someone just because I wanted some sorta escape from the toxic place I was living in. Needless to say, the relationship was a total bust. I ended up in an abusive relationship with a complete a*****e that tried to make me into something I wasn't. He was the religious controlling type and it was absolutely disgusting. Me being goth in all, he said every other thing was "the devil." For ******** sake man. That's why in my experience it's better to get to know someone extremely well before you attempt some sort of close relationship with them.
Best Friends at First.
I know a lot of people are lonely and tired of waiting, but until things are very different in this world, a good genuine relationship is gonna take some time. It usually starts out as a relationship between best or really close friends. Because you don't just want to have a s/o as someone to ******** or that provides for you or anything selfish and one sided like that. There needs to be total balance, give and take from each side and equal amounts. If you're gonna be in a relationship with someone that isn't also a trusted friend, then that from the start is not gonna be healthy.
Keys to Healthy Relationships.
In any relationship, the main key to maintaining a healthy relationship that thrives and doesn't die, is communication. You have to be able to open up fully to who ever it is you want to be very close with. If you keep a lot of things hidden, the relationship will stagnate and will eventually end in failure. In the times we're living in, it's almost impossible to hide things which is good because hiding leads to lies and denial.
Honesty is also key to keeping things healthy. Imo honesty and communication are two of the most important things that are needed for any and all relationships. If you try to hide things, it will always come back to you some how. Be it be eating at you emotionally to where that creates problems or to where your secret gets found out and it creates problems that way or often times both.
If you have somethings you absolutely do not want to talk about ever, perhaps regarding some past trauma, that's alright and you don't need to get into that from the start and no one should ever try and poke and prod at you for that information because that would be a violation of your personal space. If someone does that, it should immediately be a red flag. Later down the road though, you should at least say in a nutshell what it is so your s/o can understand you more. You never need to go into grim detail but getting the basics out there is important for your relationship and for your own mental health.
Trust Issues & Anxiety.
Most people have trust issues and in a sense it's not a bad thing because it helps us stay alert. If you know not to trust just anyone, apply that but in certain amounts at a time depending on what you feel the situation calls for. An example of this is how I do not tell most anyone things I wouldn't want to be publicly known. When you want to get close to someone, odds are you're going to want to open up and you should but how can you know if you can trust them? Intuition can help but it doesn't always give you all the answers so what you need to do is open up in moderation and keep things simple and brief.
Once the relationship grows and you get a better feel for how the person is, then you can gradually tell them more. Also see how they are to you over time while you gradually open up. Never just tell someone everything from the start. I've made that mistake and it's lead to some terrible anxiety and paranoia.
If you have anxiety and paranoia issues, make that apparent so who you are dealing with will be respectful to you on that and will know not to pressure you about whatever causes you that kind of stress. If they do not respect your feelings on that or anything else for that matter, red flag, better not open up to them to much and find someone better that can properly and respectfully handle your needs.
Giving Your S/O Space
It is very important to let your s/o take a little time to them self each day especially if they come home tired from work and just want to relax and do their own thing. If they don't want that and want time with you instead, that's also important to give them the affection they need. Another very important time to give your s/o space is after a fight, give them time to cool down and think about what happened. Imo any fights are a red flag and a sign of a relationship growing stagnate but perhaps all can be healed within time. Again, give them space, because you never want them to feel smothered unless that's what they want. They should kindly let you know what they want which goes back to the communication part.
How Do You Find That Perfect S/O?
You need to put yourself out there some how even if it's just in a small way. For me, I grew up isolated so all I knew was internet and there's nothing wrong with only wanting to meet people online. If you're shy and have anxiety and other issues like I do, it's completely understandable and odds are if you keep trying, you may find someone just like you who has the same needs. Thing is though, you got to try because people are not going to show up out of no where. It doesn't have to be a Dating App or a relationship site because sometimes those are pretty shady and you usually meet people that aren't genuine there. Best to keep it casual and just try to reach out to people with common interests.
If you find someone you're interested in find out as much as you can about them so you know you're both on the same page with the things that matter most to you. If I wasn't on nearly the exact same page as everything with my s/o, I probably wouldn't be with him. Also be sure to let them know how and what kind of relationship you're looking for when the time is right.
Instincts & Intuition.
If something feels off to you even the slightest, it's because there likely is something wrong. We have these feelings for a reason and it is to protect us. Go with what your gut tells you. You have a deep inner knowing of things around you and beyond but that also takes time to master. If someone feels or seems shady, then best to back away and move on. You don't want to get stuck in any toxic relationships. One huge red flag is when someone acts nice at first then shows their true nature and turns vicious on something then goes back to being nice. That's the sign of a manipulator trying to trap you. Do not get involved with people like that.
Proper Environments & Comfort Levels.
If you want to find someone that's right for you, your best bet is to look in places that are not toxic environments and that are something you are familiar with and comfortable with. If you meet someone from a shady place who's surrounded by toxic people all the time and takes on that toxic persona them self, obvious red flag. Simply put, you're not likely going to find someone genuine in a toxic and dangerous environment and you really don't want to get involved in things like that anyway because most of the time, that leads to abusive relationships.
It's best to stick with places that are calm and helpful. It doesn't have to be super fancy or anything like that, just somewhere safe with little to no drama. This is mostly aimed at people who want to meet people in local areas rather than online but this can apply to online places as well. Just find what feels right and that you know is nontoxic or drama filled and it should be good. Also keep to your comfort levels. You should never have to go some where or deal with something that makes you uncomfortable. If anyone tries to pressure you into that, red flag. Your comfort and safety matter.
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I'd like to add that I have been in several relationships and have experienced a lot over my years. I am extremely intuitive and I can very easily read people and see what they're all about. Not trying to boast and don't care to, it just is what it is and I'd like to help anyone that I can with my knowledge. I am in a very happy relationship and have been for about 10 months and it's been as amazing as it was on the first day and we only grow to love and understand each other more and more. My s/o and I started out as friends with a deep common interest and we eventually became colleagues and from there we developed an interest in each other and we started a relationship. From the start of the relationship we told each other everything of what we wanted in a relationship and about our past negative relationships, what we wanted and what we didn't want. That communication and connection lead to our beautiful lasting relationship.
For me in a s/o I want them to be very relatable and with me on all that I believe in. We don't have to like all the same things but there has to be some common interests some where or things would be a little boring and uninteresting. Also I'd be infuriated if he was into something that I hated and found offensive so I would have never bothered with someone like that.
Same goes for everyone on anything, not just relationships. Know what you're getting into. Never let your self get stuck with something that makes you unhappy. Know yourself and be yourself and if you're going to be with someone, same applies for them and they need to know you fully and not just let you be yourself but they should encourage you to do so and you to them. Anything else will never work.
I hope this helps someone because I believe there is someone for everyone and that we all deserve to be happy. Unfortunately it just takes time but in the end when you find what's truly right for you, it's always worth it.
One final tip.
If you have tried many times to find someone and it doesn't seem to be working out, put it off for a little while. Because one, a relationship is not what is going to make everything better. What will make everything better in your life is you. You need to find the motivation to make things better. Also it's better to start a relationship after you've gotten yourself more together mentally and have the proper motivation. You don't need to be 100% perfect because no one is nor will they ever be. All you gotta do is be the best you that you can be. Treat yourself, take care of yourself and learn to love yourself.
A relationship will happen for you when the time is right. In the meantime take it as the universe telling you that you still have things you need to work on beforehand and perhaps you are meant for something else before you get what you've always desired. Perhaps you need to help someone even if that someone is yourself. Make listening to your heart and inner guidance priority over what deep desires and possible denials you may have. Things will be okay. Just do what you can in the meantime and do what you have to. Take care and keep the faith that you will someday get your ultimate happiness. There will be many trial an errors but in the end, it will be worth it.
