people are stubbornly blind. especially when they have something to gain by doing so, or something to lose by failing to do so. but im not going to give philisophical rant as i have to wake up at 6am and have already cried a good portion of that time away. -rolls eyes- pathetic.
so how does someone handle 8 years of a 'perfect life' vanishing to be replaced by 8 years of chaos all the while knowing your going in a constant downward spiral? well me......i apprently do so by alternating between the pain and depression. cept now i get both at once. new experience. sux.
though i doubt you wanna hear of that. or anything really i have to say. well to bad. stop reading then. cuz im going to go into the reason ive been crying for the past bout 2hrs. besides from the fact im a pathetic sap of selfish masochism. im crying because i had the epiphany im a lesbian in real life. and i know full well the plans of my boyfriend...........so i know i have to break up with him. that thought alone is what brought me to tears. apprently i break down crying just thinking of something that could possibly cause someone pain............my fault to begin with i guess. i knew when he asked me out that his previous gf had dumped him just an hour before and that he was still in love with his first gf that he had been dating for 4yrs. i also knew that i was still unsure about whether i liked guys or not and i knew i was far from ready for a 'serious' relationship of any sort. but of course i love him to death so when he asked i jumped. i warned him before he even asked me out.........he shouldnt trust me, he has terrible choice in women and no i wasnt a good choice. like i said. people are stubbornly blind. of course i betrayed his trust. he doesnt know it. hes not going to. but i did. i fell in love a girl.......she doesnt know i had a boyfriend at the time......so i technically betrayed them both.
and now im crying again.
Ygradsil, thine Mother, forgive me for my sins, affronts, troubles, and pain that i have caused and brought apon you.
I take your punishment, head bowed, giving away everything for you every night to turn the morn into a brighter day thanking each gift you bring.
I thank thee for answering my prayers and hearing my thanks and for reminding me every day that though i wish it so, no life is ever wasted.
though through my tears i beg for your enternal darkness you bring me the light of day the constant coming and fading reminder of my promises. Reminder that no pain is enternal nor worth a life. Reminder that no matter how i much i believe it so, that i must live on as you teach. Must live on to live. Must live on to help others no matter the cost to thyself. No matter the temptation to run. Hide. Emprace the darkness He offers to me every night. No matter the promises He may whisper.
I shall remember with the presence of every life you have woven and burnt, every life you have made, destroyed, repaired, and changed that i, as a child of thy Mother shall live as you command and do my best every day to do my part to this Earth as you wish.
i have no idea why i wrote that........whatever. surprising how religious i am for having no religion and thinking religion is useless.........
 BSPBleach · Mon Aug 15, 2011 @ 08:42am · 0 Comments |
