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Be warned, this one will probably end up sulky/morbid..... |
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I forgot what i was gonna type cuz i moved on in the time it took to move my mouse down to this box, so ima just jump in and see if i can remember. so it might be confusing sweatdrop
so as i was saying to myself. to each his own obsession. we can all be otaku over what we like.
and hey i just remembered! so ill start from the begining eh?
BEGINING!!! *dun dun dunnnn* (lol sorry)
So i just got a letter from Cre the other day in reply to my Valentines, and he of course brought up the fact that i hadnt talked to him in awhile. I was just thinking before i opened the letter, that.....well i was feeling kinda lonely, left out or something or other cuz i havnt been able to talk to you all. so of course i read it and felt awful all over again cuz it made it a reality that you all know it too. sometimes i dont relize how little ive been getting on cuz i think bout amin nosse as much as my brother thinks about Citadels Warhammer game. which is nearly every second of every day. dont know how he manages school, cuz i cant with my mind always straying to my pc, always wanting ot get on.....quite sad really.....but that where the 'to each his own obsession' thing came in. i was marveling at how many people are obsessed with something and dont know it. and how silly some of those obsessions can often seem to other people. like my obsession. amin nosse du computere. my family, though my brother and grandmother are the only ones that bring it up, dont see how i can enjoy talking to people onlnie that i cant see, hear, touch, smell, and cant even be sure they're telling the truth. and i know hes right. its really messed up to be satisfied with just that, but i am. even if everyone i talk to does nothing but lie to me, im okay with it. what am i going to do anyway? sure i could stop talking to whoever lied, but then where would i be? id be alone again. and i would very much like to put that off for as long as possible. i do know that like all my relations online, a single incident will destroy it, and ill be crushed, while the other person forgets who i even am. and i guess i kinda prefer it that way. i dont have to worry bout getting too close to anyone, and dont have to worry that weither or not they're hurt over it......in a weird socially sucidal way, and totally masochistic, it works. and no one may ever understand. but it doesnt matter. they can tell me that i need to make 'real' friends all they want. they can tell me that im not human without friends, or without a boyfriend. but it doesnt matter. cuz im not going to lie, and change everything about me just to please my family, and make more false friends, or worse, a false 'relationship' with some guy. im much happier dredging myself through my own personal torture, relishing the happiness while it lasts, than to lie to be around people who think im both sane and human.
(sorry little time skip here, i wandered off)
maybe thats why ive been so upset lately.....i know my time on gaia is coming to a close soon. i cant even describe the feeling just thinking about it gives me. ive had friends onlnie before, and totally emmersed my life into a game before, but never so as gaia. makes me shudder, and cry thinking bout it. gives me pain ive only twice. once in a dream where my baby girl died, and the other when the only person in the world who was my tru friend, the only person i chose to love and be with, comepltly forgot about me in three years. we even wrote to each other for the first two and a half. but after 4 months of nothing, she forgot about me. that was literally crushing. and i get that same feeling thinking of losing gaia, and amin nosse, the best ive ever had.....
(another one sorry....)
i truely hope that not only do i pass on the sixteenth, so i can stay up all hours and actually learn crap, but that im able to get back to gaia and stay with gaia. if i make to this coming october, itll be the longest commitment ive had to anything....ugh how pathetic! im offically disgusted with myself now. im going to bed, and im going to work my a** off tomorow, and im going pass that bloody review, then only one more, and ill be sixteen and can tell the school board that they can bloody ******** off and let me live my life beyond them!!
oh and pardon my french sweatdrop literaly too. amin nosse means my family, on my status i typed it nesse accidently. and the du computere is from computer in french so basicly that part was 'my computer family' in english.
wow. can tell how bloody livid i am with the school board eh? hmm i think its justified. the ammount of work they make homeschoolers do is outrageous. they focus more of their attention on the be damned sucky public school, and less on their small precentage of homeschoolers that make it into the top fifty schools in the country! their little delinquints cant even make the open door community college.....ugh. irks me thinking bout it. course im still recovering from thinking my morbid thought of crushingly sad loneliness.....my loneliness might not be the same as daemons, but i still relate.
 BSPBleach · Wed Feb 09, 2011 @ 07:40am · 0 Comments |
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