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evn tho i love to read and watch tv, its not very good for me....
its too easy 4 me to get too attachd to characters. and then guess wt?? something terrible always happns to them. i get such i terrible feeling when i relize wts happning to them, or wt had happnd to them. something ive nvr managd to feel with my own family.
"isn't that awful??"
i get so worrid that i fell i might throw up. i get anxiety attks, and oftn my mind and heart r for once in unison thout, and i panic and have to stop reading or watching wtevr it is that im reading or watchnig untill i can calm down enuf to continue, or convince myself to continue watching and j get it ovr with in as small of a single dose as possible.
"i feel such pain, worry, care, or evn love for ppl who dont exist, yet when it comes to the ppl i meet, talk to, and interect with evryday, i fell nothing but pain, angr, frustration, despair, and depression. tho i wud still do anything they askd of me, tho when it comes to my parents its not always when they want it done."
as i write this, i relize how messd up i am, and can b. i really wish i cud meet som1, and interact evryday with som1 that i can feel for j as much as i do with those that do not exsist, without the constant worring of wt they may want of me, wt they may know or find out. or wt they may tell me and xpect me to say in return.
"i usd to b a very social and empathetc child. i talkd to evry1, nvr hold anything against any1, and tried to make evry1 feel happy, welcome, bettr, includid, and all that good stuff. i usd to b unafraid of ppl, able to nrly anything around nrly any1. i used to believe that an incedent right b4 our move to america causd all that to change. but i recntly relizd that being sudnly emersd in public skl kids on anothr country that had been desensitizd to the wrld is wt changd all of that."
i gave up trying to plz ppl, trying to make them happy, for herei n america, i cudnt find a single happy person. they all wantd somthing, or cudnt forgive som1 or somthing for somthing or som1. no1 here appreciatd wt they had, all the many gifts they were givin, evn tho they have an entire holiday dedicatd to it. ppl here were very object orintd, and ppl here thout nothing of their wrds, and the conscncs of them or their actions. they only card about wt happnd to them, and wt they got out of somthing.
"evry since i got here, ive been teasd and mokd. somthing that nvr happnd to me b4. they teasd and mokd me becuz of my voice, my language, they way i dressd, my reaction to the rules, and the kids behaviour. they teasd and mokd me becuz i knew evrything they taught me already. they all accusd me of lying, and in turn they all lied. they all tried to b my frnd bcuz i was new, it made them look kwl and made them feel bttr. but my definiton of a frnd is very difnt than the definiton here."
here a frnd is som1 u know. j in general. som1 u talk to a lot, c a lot, have somthing in common with, anything. here nrly evry1 in a skl is 'frnds'. to me a frnd is somthing much more special. to me a frnd is som1 u can trust with not j ur life, but ur money and ur wife. lol not that i wud have a wife, but thats not the point. i feel a frnd shud b there for u j as much as u r for them. u shudnt b afraid of wt they might think of u, or how they wud react to somthing u do, say, or wt they might find out.
"i came here xpectin that of 'frnds'. i nvr got that."
here relationships and feelings really do mean nothing. evrywhere u go, u c ppl hooking up, making random relationships basd on the only fact that they were there, u c ppl destroing relationships basd of anothrs wrd. u c ppl manipulating ppl they know tryin to eithr get somthing for themselves, or get revenge on anothr person.
"im sure this is y i can no longr interact with real ppl"
 BSPBleach · Fri Nov 05, 2010 @ 07:57am · 0 Comments |
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