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I'm extremly bored and forced before another delima as i was 4 years ago. Weird that i would retreat to Gaia everytime a personal crisis is afoot. Its usually over the gf i had before i left. I always manage to say the wrong thing, and scare her(she won't admit it). I've reread my entire journal archive, i was such a terrible writer back then. Sure, I am now but, at least I'm better than i used to be. I'm begginning to wonder like, what if I didn't go out with the people i did until a later age. I was hyper back then but only because my group of friends called for it. Hell, i don't remember having any kind of intellectual conversation with Catie until today. I acted the way i did and they responded by allowing me in their group, and i never put down the act. I always looked the fool, i always felt like the looked towards me to keep things unawkward, and just be random. I liked the attention but was tired of it in a sence. I never tried to change it with them, and when i call them i pick it back up. I'm still "crazy" now but not in such a way like that. It's weird that i can count the intellectual conversations with them. I still consider them my best friends and i guess in that sence its my downfall as well. I had predicted and my mom had semi-confirmed, that we would move back to Tennessee in at least 2 years maybe three. I promised that to one person, but we both probably knew i wasn't coming back that fast. I always wondered up to that, and past that point if i should feel sad for breaking a promise. I don't know, old feelings die hard i suppose. I still feel the same way i did about all my old friends when i left, or at least i think i do. It would take some catching up but it wouldn't take very long. Now it turns out i'm still not going back, after i served the four years. I intend to visit, but, i don't know. They are going off to college, meeting new friends, god knows what happens. I'm honest to god scared. I almost shake as i type this but that only because its a nice 70 in here. I will move back, although i am slowly coming to terms with the fact that i won't be able to pick up where i left off, the save is corrupted, please start new game. Its funny, that was the one hope that kept me going. I left in the middle, and used that image to get through the night and day. Dosn't matter where or when, if my mind wondered it always went to the same place. Everyday i would go there and smile, even when i had just moved. Eventually, it slowed and i would realize that i didn't go there at all for a day or maybe even a week. When i finally got my first Girlfriend in 3 years I considered the happy place null and void. I had new memories and they were good ones to. I know what ruined the now Ex-Girlfriends relationship with me. We talked on the phone pretty much everynight for the 2 months we went out, every single night, i would tell her about one person. While she never told me, i bet thats why. From the start of the relationship i turned it from an actual relationship, into a friendship, but i stilled tried, hell i didn't even notice. I thought at one point, maybe its not a good thing to talk so much about one person of whom you've had history with, but i just figured that hell she would have told me.
Anyways, that was about it. Thanks for reading. Also thanks for not attempting to reconcile me in anyway. This may seem sarcastic but i just type on here to be ignored.
 hikaru23232 · Sun Jul 25, 2010 @ 05:38am · 0 Comments |
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