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now if only I could let go? Ahahahahaha (a whole different story)

Anyways, here is what I've been hearing lately
"I let you go for 3 years without cleaning your room and I'm not letting you get away with it any longer"
"your room is disgusting"

Wait, now,
I've been cleaning my room every god damned weekend. The only reason why you dont like it is because you walk in on the worst times and I have a few, now a few papers on the floor, and those are homework that I do and put back in my bag.


"Its clean up your act or move out by the time you're 18"
Well I'm always doing what you tell me to do, but you never believe me so I'd rather move out. Problem, I'm actually alone in the world so I guess the only thing for me to do is suicide? I'm not going homeless I'll tell you that.

I'm sick and tired of your ******** bitching just because I have my homework on the floor. It's stupid. I mean, it's gone once I go to school. I have homework on my floor because I lie on my room floor and do it. I don't want to go out in the living room by you. The reason why I stay locked up in my room is because I don't want to be anywhere near your bitchiness.


And I hate how you complain about my grades, saying I could do better. Clearly I can't if I'm not getting what you expect. You have the most ridiculous, high expectations for me. No way in hell will I ever meet your standards.



******** s**t.
And yes, I am alone in the world.
I can't talk to anyone because no one takes me seriously since they're all just a bunch of immature meat heads.

I don't like you because there is nothing to like about you.
I'd actually rather be dead then stuck with you for the rest of my life.


Sucks to, because a really close friend who is moving back from Texas, is planning to move back after graduating.
So yeah, I'm left again.
I don't have anywhere to go, no one to go to. I mean, after my dog passes I'm alone.
I have my dad but he has his own family. I won't interrupt that.




I actually have no "dreams" for the future. I have absolutely no idea what to do with my pathetic self.
It really ******** sucks.
I try, but I just can't.
I'm too ******** pathetic to get myself to do anything.



Well,
I'm off to try to change [again].
At least I'm trying to do something :/
I just vent to my journals.
And then I try to do something "right" for once.
- _ -"















I have monophobia.















I don't like being left behind,
or abandoned :/















started with my dad.
Some days he would show up, and then I'd go out with him. But then we just go back to his house and I play video games until 5 when he brings me back home.
And then in pre-school. I made really great friends. That left me once we got into kindergarten. Friends come and go.
Really, really fast.

I can't find a stable friendship.
Thats actually all I want.
Someone to hang out with all the time :/















Like this summer.
I would love to have someone I could hang out with. And be myself around.
And not have to worry about whether they think I'm too crazy, or just really weird.
I just want my best friend back.
Because when we first started out, we didn't have to be careful with what we said or did. We had fun. We acted like kids, well because we were.
Now it's different.





I hate change.















And being alone.