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L's Diary: Real World (Eleven) |
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Steam. Cleansing the lungs and the pores, keeping the skin soft and healthy. Strangely, L now liked the feeling of the moist heat in the air. Nothing was quite visible around him and he let the warm water drip around his body. He didn't have to worry about the younger man trying to escape or kill people in this environment. If anything, he might have welcomed death at the moment. If Raito had suddenly decided to use the Death Note and continue his campaign as Kira, L would not have mattered. As long as his name was first on the list when Raito resumed his previous activities, then he would be alright. If the world was going to go to Kira, then he didn't want to see it happen. Still, as much as L hated to admit it, the drive to cleanse the world (as the younger man had put it) was gone from Raito's entire being.
Shaking the thought out of his head, he reached out toward the metal basket suction-cupped to the wet, white wall to grab his toothbrush. Contrary to popular belief, L took excellent care of his teeth. Of course, they weren't perfect, but they weren't rotting to the point of having potential to be included in a horror flick. He was - surprisingly - quite clean and had strict hygenic routines. Just because he wasn't as put together as Raito didn't mean that he wasn't clean.
The magnet attached to the door clicked shut as he stepped out of the shower and reached for a towel. Drying himself was quick affair. The shower handle was still left at hot, clouding the room. Wasting water was something that L had chastised about. Unwanting to be a hypocrite, he reached behind him and shut the water flow. Towel wrapped around his waist, he shuffled over to where a fresh set of clothes were folded. He pulled on his undergarmets beneath and then discarded the fluffy white towel. The jeans came next, the waistline of the denim turning a dark, navy blue as the water dripped off his hair and onto his skin, eventually reaching their destination as gravity pulled them down his torso. The famaliar long-sleeved, white cotton shirt smelled strongly of fake fresh linen. He hated it, but Fresh Linen still offered its condoling embrace as he slipped it over his head. At least the smell was something more substantial than love.
Rustling of cloth was the last sound wave that reached the pair's ears. L reached for a smaller towel and draped it across his head. It sat there for a few moment, untouched, until he reached his hands up and begun rustling his midnight locks He didn't blow-dry his hair like Raito did and prefered to let it dry naturally. Now that their morning routine was over, he simply stood in place, unsure of what to do next. There was no motivation to move. He wished the silence could be comfortable, but for both the student and the detective, silence only gave birth to devious plans. First-hand knowledge, naturally.
Comfortable silence is a lie.
He looked up to see Raito's ever-perfect eyebrows scrunched up in what seemed to be some sort of internal frustration. The moment of silence dragged on far too long before the brunet spoke.
"L, I want to talk to you."
He stopped the drying of his hair and let the toweld fall to his shoulders. He didn't bother with looking to the younger man and simply adverted his gaze from the mirror.
"What."
Not a question, but a accusatory statement.
"I want to talk to you."
"Regarding?" he nearly snapped.
He didn't care about the tone of his voice. Raito flinched. His mannerisms were gone now.
One word answers, he thought, very mature of me.
"Regarding this case-"
"That can wait until we get downstairs."
"- and us."
He swalloed the lump in his throat and took a deep breath.
"Raito, there is no 'us' anymore. You have made that quite apparent over the past week, especially last night. There is nothing to discuss."
"But-"
"Nothing."
Guilt was sneaking up on him as he watched his former lover's face drop and shoulders slump slightly. Was that... disappointment?
- -
The breakfast table was quiet and awkward. No work had really been done since Higuchi. There really was no work to do. The members of the Task Force found it odd, but they resolved to remain silent. There was no questioning against the two member of their group who were past the borderline of genius. Silence from L and Raito probably meant that everything was fine the way it was. It was a simultaneous, unvocalized descision that they had each come to a week ago.
Suddenly, a flurry of black and pink bound with white lace burst into the room.
"Good Morning, everybody!" it yelled.
They all groaned. Except for Matsuda. He just grinned like an adorable idiot.
"Good Morning, Amane-san," L greeted politely, only recieving a lukewarm smile in return.
The young woman bopped over to the kitchen, returning with a semi-sphere of grapefruit.
"Hn."
"Oh, come on, Raito, don't be like that!" she cooed.
The half of a grapefruit was left on the table beside Raito's breakfast, as she had taken the seat beside him. She slipped her arms about his neck and resting her chin on his slightly damp hair. Apparently, Raito hadn't dried his hair fully this morning.
Actually, the detective suddenly realized, he did not follow his routine of blow-drying hair or eyebrow plucking... and what is he wearing? Are those not the pajamas he used to wear before we decided to strip ourselves when we went to bed? Why do I even care.
He let the thoughts leak out through the back hole of his brain. Had the hole actually been real, it probably would have had a neon sign reading 'GARBAGE' pasted over its exit. His lips curved into a smile, letting thoughts of sophomoric hysteria take over his mind, the domain he held most sacred. There was no use in trying to 'catch Kira' today. Date reanalysis was pointless, but if he made the other members believe that it was necessary, he could simply zone out for the day. Slacking every once in a while was good for him. At least, that was what Matt had said.
Part of L said it was too early in the morning to be thinking these things. Falling into a regular sleep pattern was already a sign that something was wrong with his body and acknowledging the side effects of regular sleep was only further confirmation. Accepting this was unacceptable. He began sitting in a more normal, standard manner, too. Why had he not noticed these changes until now?
Suddenly, a painfully nostalgic voice broke his thoughts.
"Get off me," Raito huffed at the female attached to him, "please."
"What?" Misa asked, genuinely surprised at his tone of voice.
L unwillingly turned to face the bickering couple. To argue at such an early time in the morning began to grate on him. His gaze flicked to the members of the Task Force. They, too, were becoming agitated.
"I said to please get off me," Raito repeated.
"B-but, Raito, I'm your girlfriend..."
"I never said you were my girlfriend," he said in a low, ******** voice, "Get off me. Now."
The model's eyes widened at Raito's tone of voice. It was almost as if the younger man wanted to strangle something, someone... or perhaps inject them with lethal poison.
Or write their name in the Death Note... Why have I not taken his second copy from him? L, you are slipping. Your method is becoming sloppy.
The model broke away from her object of constant affection, defiant anger taking over her body. Her fists clenched in her pink and black pajamas and the white lace ribbons in her hair began trembling. Her eyes began welling up with tears as she bit her bottom lip. With breaths sharp, unrhythmic, and violent, she locked eyes with the student. Raito simply gazed back at her, unfazed. Even though he would never admit it, this frightened L.
"Y-yes you did!" she declaired, "on May 25th when I went to your house, you said that you'd try your best to be my boyfriend!"
May 25th? Was that not three days after the trip to Aoyama? She is Second Kira. My suspiscions are correct... but does Amane-san know that she is Second Kira?
"No, I did not."
"That was almost a year ago!" she half-screamed, half-cried, "we should be planning out one year anniversary now!"
"I'm sorry, but you are mistaken."
The student looked on cooly, gazing right through the model. Short-lived anger and a near-endless well of calm. Had anyone at the table been asked to describe this moment, most would have said that Raito wasn't human.
"Liar! You said that I'd be Se-"
Suddenly, Aizawa jumped up from his position at the table. He glared directly at the bickering couple, looking more ready and sure to punish than any father or friend ever should toward a loved one.
"Just stop it right now, both of you! You kids don't realize how nice you have it now. You can be together at almost all time of the day, you don't have bills to take care of and a family to feed and love yet. You don't have a job that makes your wife constantly worry about whether or not you're going to come home in a body bag! You don't have a daughter that wonders if daddy's coming home tonight or if he's working later than midnight! You don't have a wife that's going to leave you because she loves you too much to watch you fall apart every night when you return from another failed attempt to catch a mass murderer, so don't you dare fight with one another like that. You should be the happy couple you're meant to be. And, Yagami-kun, stop pushing Amane-san away. She deserves to be loved properly. You don't understand how important that is for a woman. You don't realize that you have the chance to do what I only wish I could do for Emiko. She can leave at any moment. You can't just expect her to wait for you through anything, Yagami-kun!"
The table was silent as Aizawa picked up his toast and walked out of the kitchen.
"I'll be in the work room looking over the data we've collected."
L looked back down at his plate, poking at the food. The rest of the Task Force silently excused themselves and joined Aizawa in the work room. By now, Misa was a doubled over heap leaning against the wall, both her hands cover her perfect lips in a silent sob.
Raito turned to her, maintaining his expressionless face.
"Misa, just go eat your grapefruit."
Suddenly, the petite blonde had marched up to the brunet and slapped him across the face. The crack of skin striking skin colored the kitchen air.
"Forget this," she whispered, "forget you, Raito. I'm not an idiot you can just use whatever way you like. I don't always come back to you. I love you, but I'm not your slave anymore!"
With those last words, she left the room. The student simply sat at the table with that continued blank expression on his face, the red print of a feminine hand forming upon his cheek.
"Ryuuzaki," he sudenly whispered.
"Yes?"
The answer was reluctant, but it came nonetheless. That was enough to make Raito smile for the first time in over eighteen hours.
"What is Love?"
- -
Throughout the day, the hollow feeling inside him grew deeper. Instead of it just being a hole in his chest, he felt as if his skin had no substance beneath it. Parasitic and hungry, the feeling spread to his limbs. His body felt hollow down to the backs of his hands and the tops of his feet. Ice was spreading beneath his skin.
But with some difficulty, he brushed this all aside. With Aizawa's outburst and Misa's passionate display of her emotions, he had begun to feel void.
What is Love? he wondered for the umpteenth time that day. Have I ever been in love before?
Raito's question had stuck with him for the entire day. The work atmosphere had been stiff and uncommunicating. In short, almost no work had been done. The end of the month would come in four days and he was almost ready to simply leave and return to England. What would he do once he got back? When could he get back? Probably when the Kira Case was closed.
Staying here was becoming too much. He was changing in ways that were harming his well-being.
What is Love? he repeated yet again. How did Matt put it? 'Love, I think, is not the willingness to do anything and everything for someone, but rather the unwillingness to act in such a way. I know that because I wouldn't do anything he wanted, but I would die in his place if I had the choice to. I'd do anything to make sure he lived. Anything for his well-being, because that overrides his happiness when what he wants is dangerous or unhealthy.'
L breathed out uncomfortably. The adjacent bed bounced slightly as Raito shifted in his sleep.
But that's my definition of Love. What's yours?
I do not have one.
Do you know what Love is?
No.
But surely you do.
"No," he whispered aloud quite harshly, "I do not!"
Haven't you been in love before? Don't you know?
No! I do not know. Stop asking me.
On some level, he was astounded that Matt's voice had even begun asking him questions in his mind, but he could not care at the moment. He just wanted to stop the questions, to stop the asking.
Don't you miss him?
...
You miss him, don't you?
...
Do you love him?
No! Stop asking me questions.
Do you think you could try to love him?
Hah, he scoffed, Why? How can I attempt to love when I do not even know what love is?
You can't figure out until you try. Unless you try. Will you try?
No.
Please?
No.
Why not, L? You know you miss him.
It is easier to hate him, he admitted.
But isn't it so much more wonderful to love him?
This feels easier because I have a reason to hate him, he mentally whispered.
No, it doesn't. It's harder because you and I both know your 'reason to hate him' means nothing to you.
...
L?
Alright, you win! That reason means nothing to me! I love him, I miss him, I want him... I LOVE him, alright! I love Yagami Raito and I should not be feeling this way. How do I stop this feeling?
You know the answer. You can't.
 minikimii · Thu Jan 08, 2009 @ 10:46pm · 0 Comments |
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