I just got off AIM. Mom wants me to not be on the computer so late becuase of school's rapid approach. I'm going to stay on Gaia at least as long as I can, even if I can't risk being on AIM. ><"
My mom will probably come out any moment and grr at me so yeah, it's best I'm not on AIM at the moment.
Still...I don't know what's getting to me. I just feel really bad. I am sitting here...trying to think why I feel bad.
I shouldn't be this way. I have this feeling of dread or confusion or hate or something in me, and my whole body feels heavy and...worthless.
I am not feeling uglier than usual, or guiltier than usual, or more worthless than usual. I've just got a terrible feeling I can't describe.
I don't know why I feel so bad.
Last time I felt this bad/weird was when I had a knife in my hand staring at my wrist thinking of actually doing it.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I've got new clothes and I'm almost ready to start school. My sis has been nicer than ever, I have been happy with most the art I draw.
I guess I don't feel like me. Things have been going well the past few days I guess. I am wearing clothes I like in public and not getting bad reactions. I noticed I got looks from guys for some reason, and my mom just had to say this one dude was checking me out. Talk about uncomfortable. People looking at me feels just awkward.
But I guess you could consider that as things looking up.
But I don't feel like anything is going well, I feel weird and out of place and just...weird. What the hell?
I feel like my morals are wrong or something.
No sex til I'm married...
Well, that doesn't seem to be a good moral anymore. People ******** left and right at the age of 13+. I'll stick to my moral of course, I'm just...feeling in the wrong right now for some reason.
Being modest/hiding self/ugliness...
I try to be modest. I try to be appropriate. I pull it off I think. But there's another thing that there seems to be little of/no one cares about. I see all these other girls showing off almost everything or actually everything. Nothing is left to the imagination these days.
My morals, my beleifs. I don't know. I am asking too much.
I ask too much when I wish for the guy I love to only want to be with me, and if he feels compelled to be with someone else I wish for him to ignore the thought or breakup. I ask too much when I wish for my boyfriend to look at me when he's with me and not at other girls. I ask too much when I wish he'd understand how much I hate myself, therefore know not to do those things in front of me. Which he does know not to look at other girls in front of me I think, I'm just being an insecure little worthless ******** by wanting him to not look at other girls ever. A completely irrational little b***h, because "it's human nature to look". Well ********, okay then.
I don't look at other guys, or at least I try extremely hard not to. I only look at my boyfriend in that way. Oh! But that's only me! I'm weird that way I guess, and I am asking too much, I know. Because why look at something like me when there's always something better to look at. It doesn't matter if they love me, they feel the need to look at physically better people. No matter what I do I will never be the only one a guy wants to look at or be with.
And s**t, I'm about to cry. Stupid stupid stupid me.
My stupid wishing and morals.
I need to be fixed. Something is wrong with me and no one can fix me.
Why do I feel so bad? I mean really. I should feel good, but my mind won't let me or something, thinking all this s**t and making me want to cry.
Haven't cried yet while typing this though, just getting close.
I don't understand. I'll never be good enough it seems.
Right now I just feel so bad and I don't know why. Worthless, tired, bored, confused, pissed, ugly, sad. Too many damn feelings to have all at once for no particular reason.
Gaaah. I need a shower. I feel dirty. Had one today already though, I can smell my shampoo in my hair. Smells good, Pantene ProV.
Yeah...my arms hurt for some reason. I have to do my math.
I guess...I'm going to lurk around Gaia for a bit more, I haven't been caught yet so...yeah...okay.
I guess...I'll be done now Journal. Sorry for being me and for typos.
-Katelynn
Iklbug Community Member 
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