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The Bare Witch Project
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Written by: Jeannine Renshaw
Transcribed by: Shay Fitzpatrick
Season 7, Episode 02
Episode Number: 136
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[Scene: Cafe. Piper, Phoebe and the kids are there. Piper has a blanket covering her chest, obviously breast feeding baby Chris. Wyatt is sitting in a stroller beside her. Phoebe is looking at an article with her picture beside it in the newspaper.]
Phoebe: That's not me.
Piper: Sure looks like you.
Phoebe: No, I mean, the picture's me, just the column is not me. I knew a man couldn't give advice like a woman. Men are all about, you know, fixing the problem.
Piper: Isn't that what advice columnists are supposed to do?
Phoebe: No. I mean, yes, but first you're supposed to listen, then you're supposed to validate feelings. At least that's what a woman would do, but not a man, they go straight to fixing it. This "Glass Ceiling in Sausalito", Leslie tells this woman step by step how to deal with her boss. There are no feelings in there, no emotions. I mean, my readers are going to read that and know that I did not write it. This is a nightmare.
Piper: Honestly, it's real subtle. They might not notice.
Phoebe: Even the letters that he picks. They're all fix-it letters, you know? And I left him three messages about this yesterday, he did not call me back.
Piper: I thought the whole point of this little vacation was for you to relax and recharge.
Phoebe: Yeah, I know. But it's still my column, you know, I still care about it.
Piper: Any big change takes some adjusting. So for a while you're just gonna feel a little lost.
Phoebe: See, you just validated my feelings.
Piper: Phoebe, you need to stop obsessing. Unless, of course, you know, you're obsessing because, um, you like him.
Phoebe: No, I don't like him. He's like... eww.
Piper: Well, then forget about it and find something else to obsess about.
Phoebe: Yeah, I know, you're right, I have to find a way to channel my energy, find something to be passionate about. (Piper sees a couple and the manager staring at her from near by.) You know, Paige with Magic School, you saving Leo.
Piper: I'm not saving him, I'm just hoping that by spending some time with the boys that he'll feel loved and needed, and realise that life isn't all that bad.
(The manager walks up to their table.)
Manager: Excuse me, ladies, but I'm afraid you're gonna have to take that some place else.
Piper: Take what?
Manager: You know... (He gestures towards baby Chris.) That.
Phoebe: It's called breast feeding.
Manager: Customers are complaining.
Phoebe: Wh... What?
Piper: Alright, let's go. I gotta go anyway.
Phoebe: No, Piper, you are not going anywhere. You've done nothing wrong. (Phoebe stands up and faces the waiter.) You can't do this.
Manager: Actually, yeah, I can. (He points to a sign that reads "Management has the right to refuse service to anyone".) Sorry.
(He walks away.)
Piper: It's no big deal, let's go.
Phoebe: That's horrible.
Piper: We're goin'.
[Scene: Magic School. Paige is standing in the centre of the room surrounded by students and is facing three Elders.]
Elder #1: This is a losing battle. Magic School was a noble experiment. But I'm afraid it's run its course.
Paige: Well, what about these kids? Where are they going to go? Where are they gonna learn how to develop their magic?
Elder #2: Where did you learn to develop yours?
Paige: I learned from my sisters and they did from their mother and their grandmother. But not everybody has that. What these kids need... (Paige is hit with a spit ball.) What these kids need is guidance.
Elder #1: The point remains that with Gideon no longer around, the safety of this institution, both to the students and to the outside world can no longer be guaranteed.
Paige: I can guarantee it. (He gives her a look.) I mean, I can try to guarantee it. You see, I fight demons on a weekly basis and I think that more than qualifies me to be able to deal with some magical students. (A student sitting near a statue of Cupid, wiggles his finger and Cupid's arrow flies through the air, passes the Elders and hits a wooden crate.) Like I said, they need some guidance.
Student #1: She can guide me any day.
Duncan: Check it out, I just cast an awesome spell.
(Duncan has a book open to a page and the page glows.)
Paige: These kids are special.
(It shoots out a gold light and a grey light which forms into Lady Godiva on a horse and an invisible Lord Dyson.)
Students: Whoa!
Student #2: Naked woman!
(All the male students race over and surround Lady Godiva.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Magic School. Continued from before. All the guys are trying to get to Lady Godiva. Duncan turns to Paige.]
Dunca: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to conjure her, I swear it was an accident.
Paige: It's okay, Duncan, I know you didn't mean to. It's okay, just tell me what happened, fast.
Duncan: I don't know, I-I was just bored, you know, messing around, flipping through the history book and then poof! Out popped Lady Godiva.
Paige: That's Lady Godiva. That is so cool. I mean, it's not cool. But that's okay, you just send her back and everything will be fine.
Duncan: Well, that's the thing, I don't know how to send her back. I only know how to conjure.
Paige: Okay, that is bad. I mean, not that you're bad. It's just a bad situation, you know what I mean? But I know you didn't mean it, so you're not really bad. It's okay, it's okay. Uh, we'll fix it. I hope. (Lady Godiva gets off the horse and grabs a robe from near by and covers herself up. Paige pulls a robe off a teacher.) I need to borrow this. I'll have it dry cleaned.
Elder #1: Is that who I think it is?
Paige: Lady Godiva. Pretty impressive use of magic, huh?
Elder #1: Don't you know how dangerous it is to mess with history? If we don't find a way to send her back before anything happens to her.
Paige: I'm all over it. (Paige rushes over to Lady Godiva and shoos the kids away.) That's it. Shoo! Get out of here. Get out with your raging hormones. Bye. Bye.
(Paige wraps the robe around Lady Godiva.)
Lady Godiva: What happened? Where am I? What is this place?
Paige: It's okay, you're safe. I'm gonna take you home, okay?
[Cut to Duncan. He sits on a couch.]
Simon: Well, well, well. That's one screwed up mess you made. Good job, Duncan. You scored big.
Duncan: Shut up, Simon, leave me alone.
Simon: Say goodbye to Magic School.
(Simon walks away. Lord Dyson moves closer to Duncan.)
Lord Dyson: Such intense frustration all pent up. Let me help you let it out.
(Lord Dyson holds his hand up to Duncan's head and a reddish cloud is pulled from his head and is sucked into Lord Dyson's hand.)
Simon: Pack your bags, boys. Duncan just got us evicted.
(Duncan goes over to Simon and punches him in the face.)
Duncan: Son of a b***h, leave me alone! Stop picking on me!
Elder #2: Hey! Break it up!
(Duncan hits Simon again. A teacher pulls him away and takes him down the hall.)
Lord Dyson: Interesting. (The Elder helps Simon up.) I have a very good feeling about this.
[Scene: Manor. Foyer. Phoebe helps Piper get the stroller through the front door.]
Phoebe: Piper, I can't believe you of all people are against this. We have to do something.
Piper: Shh. You are not writing a letter to Ask Phoebe about my breast. Leo!
Phoebe: You're the one that said I needed a cause.
Piper: Shh! Yeah, so you could keep your mind off of the column, not write a letter to it.
Phoebe: How am I supposed to keep my mind off of the column when he's about to blow my cover, maybe even my career.
Piper: Okay, you're obsessing. (They walk into the kitchen.) Leo! You're late!
Phoebe: Well, I don't know what you're worried about, it's not like he's gonna pick the letter anyway, it's way too feminine.
Piper: I'm worried because somehow I know you're gonna find a way to make him pick it.
Phoebe: So what? Then we hit two Neanderthals with one stone. I can not believe you're not supporting me in this.
Piper: What is there to support? Phoebe, it's already a law.
Phoebe: So let's sue the manager.
Piper: I don't have time to sue the manager. I have other things to worry about like work.
Phoebe: Yeah, I'm on sabbatical, I don't have to worry about that. I'm lost.
Piper: For crying out loud, Leo! (Paige orbs in with Lady Godiva.) That's not Leo.
Paige: Hey, guys. Book still upstairs?
(Paige and Lady Godiva start to leave.)
Phoebe: Wait a minute.
Piper: Hold it.
Phoebe: What happened?
Paige: Well, uh, this is Godiva. Say hello.
Piper: Godiva?
Paige: As in, um, Lady Godiva. In the flesh so to speak.
Lady Godiva: Are they witches too?
Paige: Yeah. See, the meeting kind of went long, got a little boring and the kids, they grew restless and...
Phoebe: So they conjured a sex object?
Lady Godiva: I am no sex object. I was riding through town in my natural state to protest my husband's unjust taxes.
(The toast pops up in the toaster and Lady Godiva gasps.)
Piper: Uh, wait. Riding? As in plucked out in the middle of? Paige, she has to finish that ride, or else it could change...
(Lady Godiva walks over to the toaster.)
Paige: Yeah, history as we know it. I got it. But even worse, if I don't send her back soon, I'm pretty sure the Elders are gonna shut down magic school.
Piper: I don't think that's worse than changing the course of history. (Lady Godiva turns on the blender and squeals. Piper runs over to her.) Okay, okay, okay. (She turns the blender off. Lady Godiva rushes back over to Paige and hides behind her.) On the other hand, how much history could a naked lady on horseback really effect?
Lady Godiva: Excuse me, my ride is important.
Piper: Okay.
Paige: Even so, we need to find a spell to send you back.
(Paige and Lady Godiva leave the kitchen.)
Piper: See what I mean? We have bigger naked breasts to worry about.
Phoebe: Paige has her naked breasts to worry about, I've got yours.
Piper: Leo!
[Scene: Underworld. Cave. Leo is holding a demon up against the cave walls with beams of electricity which are streaming out of his hands. Piper and the kids orb in. Leo stops and turns around. The demon drops to the ground.]
Leo: Piper.
Piper: Sorry to interrupt but I'm late for work. So Wyatt's been fed, Chris has had his early nap, and, um, they're just very excited to see you.
Leo: Now's not really a good time.
Piper: Well, you know, but when is a good time? Sometimes we just have to make the time.
Leo: Which I will do once I've taken care of any threats towards them.
Piper: Oh, but don't be ridiculous. You can't vanquish every threat. Besides, even if you did, it doesn't change the fact that...
Leo: I killed another Elder?
Piper: Yeah, but it wasn't your fault.
Leo: It doesn't change the facts.
Piper: The fact is the boys need a father. And that's really all that matters, and I can't understand why you're focusing on all this bad stuff when you have some good stuff in your life. (The demon groans and Piper covers Wyatt's eyes. Bolts of electricity out of Leo's hands hits the demon and vanquishes him.) Uh, hi. Could you please not do that around the children?
Leo: You brought them here.
Piper: Actually, no, you're son brought us here.
Leo: Look Piper, the word is there's a Scouter Demon in the swamp, and if I don't go there...
Piper: If I don't spend some time at P3, we will lose our only source of income.
Leo: I can't do this, you know.
Piper: Yes, you can. Just make sure you burp Chris and you will be fine. Now I gotta go, so... help me out.
(Leo waves his hand and Piper orbs out.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe walks into her office holding a pink envelope. She walks over to the desk. Les walks in and she hides the envelope behind her back.]
Les: Phoebe.
Phoebe: Hi.
Les: What are you doing here?
Phoebe: I-I came to look for my favourite pen. I know I left it in here somewhere and I can't seem to write a thing without it.
Les: Well, I dumped all your stuff in this bottom cabinet here.
Phoebe: Oh, you dumped?
(He walks over to the cabinet and looks through it. While his back is turned, Phoebe puts the letter in his in-tray.)
Les: What does it look like?
Phoebe: Uh, it's a fountain pen. Nothing really special. Hey, uh, since I'm here, maybe I can help with stuff.
Les: Help?
Phoebe: Yeah, you know, maybe help pick tomorrow's letter or something.
Les: I thought you were on sabbatical.
Phoebe: Still my column.
Les: Having a little trouble letting go, I see.
Phoebe: No, I'm not having trouble letting go. I just came here to find my pen.
Les: Give it a couple of weeks. You won't even notice.
Phoebe: Yeah, I'm afraid my readers are already noticing.
Les: That you can't find your pen?
Phoebe: That I'm a man. I mean, that-that you're a man when you're supposed to be a woman. And you're not very good at picking the letters. You only pick problems that you can solve.
Les: You know, for someone taking a break, you sure have given this a lot of thought.
Phoebe: No, I'm just saying, you know, that-that... I mean, the point... What was I saying?
Les: Something to do with "me Tarzan, you Jane".
Phoebe: Yeah, cute, very cute. Let's see. (She picks up the red letter off the top of the in-tray pile.) What's this one? Oh, this looks like a great one. "Breast feeding in Bayshore." What do you say?
Les: Breast feeding? (He takes the letter.) Seems a little causey, don't you think?
Phoebe: Out of your league?
Les: No, I like breasts. I just don't feel the need to give any advice on them, that's all.
Phoebe: Yeah, like I said. You're not good at picking letters. So if you find my pen, please call me.
(She leaves the office.)
[Scene Magic School. Paige and Lady Godiva are there. Paige flips through a history book.]
Paige: Okay. Queen Elizabeth, Catherine the Great, Joan of Arc... ah, Lady Godiva. Good thing you have long hair.
Lady Godiva: I'm in the history books?
Paige: Yes. And if I can keep anything from happening to you before I send you back, you'll remain there. (Lady Godiva looks at the illustration in the book. She sees Lord Dyson standing beside the horse.) What's wrong?
Lady Godiva: Lord Dyson.
Paige: Is that your husband?
Lady Godiva: No. An evil land baron who feeds on the pain of peasants, suppresses them for his own gain. He's the weasel who convinced my husband to tax them.
Paige: Were you scared doing what you did? I mean, that was what, about a thousand years before women received equal rights.
Lady Godiva: It was the right thing to do. It was the only way to make my husband see that I was serious about my stand, to shock him.
Paige: And history too, apparently. Okay, mount up.
(Lady Godiva walks towards her horse. She stops.)
Lady Godiva: Will it be painful?
Paige: No, it's magic. You won't feel a thing.
Lady Godiva: Magic. I didn't think it really existed.
Paige: Oh, it exists. It's just something that's hidden, you can't see it. I see not a lot of things have changed. (Lady Godiva gets on the horse.) Uh, robe?
Lady Godiva: Oh! I almost forgot. (She takes off the robe and throws it to Paige.) Good luck, saving all this.
Paige: Thanks. Good luck on your ride. "From lands afar in time and space, take her now from this our place, one that dwells so must remain, send her back to her domain."
(Nothing happens.)
Lady Godiva: What's wrong?
Paige: I don't know, should've worked. (They hear a crash from the other room.) Stay here. (Paige runs into the great hall. People are fighting with each other. Elder #1 helps a woman up.) What happened?
Elder #1: You tell me. You were the one who said you could control these students.
Paige: Okay, well, I don't see how conjuring Lady Godiva could've caused all of this.
Elder #1: Unless she wasn't the only thing conjured.
(A student telekinetically sends another student flying through the air.)
Paige: Boxes! (A pile of boxes orbs under the student just as he falls, making a soft landing.) Well, at least this shows how much kids need help learning to control their magic.
Elder #1: This is a disaster. A complete utter disaster!
(Lord Dyson walks up to the Elder.)
Lord Dyson: By all means, don't repress yourself. (He sucks the Elder's repression and becomes visible.) To be whole again.
Paige: Who the hell are you?
Elder #1: I've had it with you and your stupid ideas.
(Lightning shoots out of his hand and hits Paige on the shoulder, knocking her down.)
Lord Dyson: So much repression to feed on.
(Lady Godiva walks in.)
Lady Godiva: You.
Lord Dyson: My lady.
(He creates an energy ball.)
Paige: Watch out!
(Lord Dyson throws the energy ball at Lady Godiva but it fizzles out before it reaches her.)
Lord Dyson: No matter. I'll just collect more power and then I'll be back.
(He shimmers out.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Manor. Living room. Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Lady Godiva are there. Piper is dabbing Paige's wound.]
Paige: It's okay, it's just a graze.
Phoebe: I still can't believe an Elder attacked you.
Paige: I know, they're supposed to be pacifists, right?
Piper: Have you seen Leo lately? Speaking of which. Leo!
Paige: He's a little mad at me and I can't say I blame him. I did kind of mess things up.
Phoebe: Well, that doesn't explain why he tried to kill you.
Lady Godiva: Pardon me.
Paige: I think the demon did something to the Elder, got him to free up his repressed anger somehow.
Phoebe: Oh, probably wasn't breast fed as a child.
Piper: Phoebe.
Phoebe: What?
Paige: Well, either way, we wouldn't even be in this situation, this demon wouldn't even be here if I hadn't have had the great stroke of genius to try to save school.
Phoebe: So why do you think he tried to kill her?
Lady Godiva: If I could just...
Paige: Maybe he knew what I didn't know. Which is that since they came together, they have to leave together.
Phoebe: Yeah, but why wouldn't he want to go back?
Lady Godiva: If you would just listen to me.
(She removes the robe she was wearing. Piper, Phoebe and Paige look away.)
Phoebe: Oh!
Piper: Wow!
Lady Godiva: Which is apparently still the only way I can get anybody to listen to me.
Piper: Woman, keep your clothes on, this is a family show. Really.
(Lady Godiva covers herself up with the robe.)
Lady Godiva: I know that man, or demon as you call him. It's Lord Dyson.
Paige: The land baron?
Lady Godiva: Except in my time he was different. Smaller, weaker.
Piper: Okay, so how did he get stronger?
(The doorbell rings. Lady Godiva looks around.)
Paige: It's okay, doorbell, newfangled contraption.
(Phoebe looks through the window.)
Phoebe: Oh my god, oh my god, it's Leslie.
Piper: Don't answer it.
Phoebe: What if it's about my letter?
Piper: Forget the stupid letter.
Phoebe: Oh, what, can everyone have a cause but me?
Piper: Yes. Upstairs, upstairs.
(Phoebe goes to the front door and opens it.)
Phoebe: Leslie, hey, what a surprise.
Leslie: I brought you a peace offering.
(He hands her a purple feather pen. He sees Piper, Paige and Lady Godiva race up the stairs.)
Phoebe: Those are my sisters.
Leslie: I thought you just had two.
Phoebe: Yeah, the other one is a cousin, distant cousin... twice removed. Come in, come in. (Les walks in and they stand in the foyer.) So you drove all the way over here just to give me this lovely pen?
Les: Well, it's your pen, isn't it?
Phoebe: You know this is not my pen.
Les: You're right. I bought that from a street vendor on my way over. Just looking for an excuse. You have a nice place. The paper pays you better than I thought.
Phoebe: So what are you really doing here?
Les: I thought you might like a chance to apologise.
Phoebe: Oh? For what?
Les: For trying to slip that breast feeding letter past me.
Phoebe: What?
Les: Look, I know you wrote it. I recognise your handwriting, Phoebe. I've studied all your work.
Phoebe: You have?
Les: Yeah, how else am I gonna get away with ghost writing a column for you.
Phoebe: Yeah, see that's the problem. I actually don't think you're getting away with it.
Les: Because I'm a man.
Phoebe: No, because you pick letters a man would pick.
Les: Ask Phoebe wouldn't pick a breast feeding letter.
Phoebe: Oh, no?
Les: No. Because it's a cause and she doesn't do causes.
Phoebe: I know what kind of letters I pick.
Les: Oh, yeah? Then why are you taking a sabbatical? Look, I'm sorry, it's just, the only reason I took this gig is because I'm a huge fan of yours. I mean of your column. I just want to do the best job I can, but see the thing is I can't really do that with you looking over my shoulder all the time. Alright?
Phoebe: Alright.
Les: Alright.
[Cut to the attic. Piper is looking through a history book and Paige is looking through the Book of Shadows.]
Lady Godiva: Would it be cheating too much if I peeked ahead to see what becomes of me?
Piper: Well, seeing as you're probably not going to remember any of this, I don't see why not.
Paige: Closest thing I can find is a demon who feeds off anger but you already got him. (She slams the book shut.) Ow. Remember when Leo used to come when you call him?
Piper: Mm-hm. Says here your Lord Dyson mysteriously disappeared the day you rode through town.
Paige: Well, I doubt that's just a coincidence.
Lady Godiva: And the tax was repealed, which means I accomplished my goal.
Piper: No offence, lady, but you drop your trousers, liberation for all and suddenly your demon vanishes off the face of the earth for all of eternity. Isn't that a little far fetched?
Paige: No. Not if the demon feeds off of repressions. Maybe that's how he gains his strength.
Piper: Well, then that would make the reverse true as well. Your ride starved him into oblivion. (Leo orbs in with the kids.) Please tell me you weren't vanquishing demons with the children.
Leo: Chris was fussy. It calmed him.
Piper: Oh. Really.
Leo: Is that Lady...
Piper: Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little healing, a little healing. (Leo walks over to Paige.) And then we need you to find out what they know about some sort of repressor demon.
Leo: You want me to go up there?
Piper: Don't worry, I'll get the Elfin nanny to watch the kids.
Leo: That's not what I was worried about.
Paige: Uh, hello? Heal, ouch, hurt. Focus.
(He heals her shoulder.)
Piper: I think it wouldn't hurt to have a little chat with the Elders to see what they think about the demon.
Leo: What if they know about...
Piper: I think if they knew, we would know by now.
Lady Godiva: Are they talking about Lord Dyson?
Paige: No, they're talking about something that Leo did that they don't want me to know about.
Piper: Just go. (Leo orbs out.) Let's find out what we can about this repressor demon before it starts to feed off our repressions. Shall we?
Commercial Break
[Scene: Street. Lord Dyson is walking down the street.]
Lord Dyson: So, this is the land of the free, hey? (He sees a man and a woman arguing.) Oh, infuriating, isn't it? Well, don't hold back. Let it out. (He holds out his hand a pulls the repression out of the woman. She punches the man in the face.) Such a plethora of repression, it's hard to choose. Who's next? Who's next? I love this century! (A police car speeds around the corner. Lord Dyson throws an energy ball at it and it blows up.) More. I need more. Who's still out there holding it in.
[Scene: Top of Golden Gate Bridge. Leo is waiting there. A female Elder orbs in.]
Female Elder: Sorry to have kept you waiting.
Leo: Why'd we have to meet here? Why couldn't we meet up there?
Female Elder: You didn't here? An Elder's gone missing, Leo. Perhaps killed. We can't be too careful.
Leo: You think I did it?
Female Elder: You killed Gideon.
Leo: He tried to kill my son. I was protecting my family.
Female Elder: We understand. But this is different. The Elder was Zola, Leo. And we understand that he was trying to reach out to you when he disappeared. We are your family, Leo, you are one of us.
Leo: I don't know that I am anymore. Everything's changed.
Female Elder: Just because of what Gideon did? Leo, good is not perfect, sometimes it messes up. But that doesn't mean it isn't still good, and we are.
Leo: Are we?
Female Elder: Listen to me, Leo. We have sensed a great and new threat gathering, one which will take everything we've got to fight. And we need you for that. We're gonna need everyone.
Leo: You know what I need? I need information on a demon that feeds on repression. Can you help me out or not?
Female Elder: I'll see what I can do. Think about what I've said.
(She orbs out. The ghostly creature floats past Leo.)
Ghostly Creature: You can't trust her. You can't trust any of them anymore.
Leo: Why are you doing this to me? Who are you?
[Scene: Magic School. Piper and Paige are there.]
Paige: I can't believe how empty this place is without students.
Piper: Yeah, well, I'm hoping you'll find a way to save it after all this. Especially for your nephew's sake.
Paige: Thanks, no pressure.
(They walk into a room where Phoebe and Lady Godiva are. Phoebe is lighting candles and Lady Godiva is sitting on her horse.]
Piper: Ready to summon?
Phoebe: Yep. All ready to go.
Paige: I still think we should wait for Leo and find out what he knows about the demon.
Piper: No, it doesn't matter. After we send him back, history will take care of them. (to Lady Godiva) As long as you finish your ride.
Lady Godiva: Promise. And thank you, for giving me a glimpse of what's to come.
Phoebe: Thank you, for showing us you're more than a box of chocolates.
Lady Godiva: I'm sorry?
Piper: Never mind. Okay, here we go. "We look to find the evil set free, bring this demon before us three." (Lord Dyson appears.) Hi, there.
(Piper tries to blow him up.)
Phoebe: Uh, why didn't he explode?
Piper: Chanting, chanting.
Paige: Uh, okay, okay, okay. "From lands afar in time and space, take them now from this our place, two that dwell so must remain, send them back to their domain." (Lady Godiva and Lord Dyson disappear.) It worked. (The candles blow out and lights go off, leaving the room pitch black.) Uh-oh, that's not good.
(Piper lights a candle.)
Piper: Well, at least they're gone.
Phoebe: Great. Will you guys drop me off at the office on your orb home?
Paige: I thought you weren't looking over Leslie's shoulders anymore.
Phoebe: Well, I'm not. But first I have to get him to pick my letter.
Piper: Orbing.
(They orb out.)
[Cut to The Bay Mirror. Hallway. The girls orb in.]
Phoebe: Okay, thanks. Meet you guys at home. (Phoebe opens the door and sees the women dressed in long black clothes with kerchiefs over their hair.) Looks like everyone took Elise's sexual harassment memo literally.
(Les walks out of the office wearing a suit.)
Les: Phoebe? What are you doing here? What are you wearing? Who's watching our children? Why aren't you at home with them?
Phoebe: Excuse me?
Piper: Come on.
(Piper and Paige pull Phoebe back into the hallway.)
Phoebe: Okay, what the hell is going on?
(Piper sees a large poster on the wall with Leslie's picture on it. It reads "Ask Leslie - He'll tell you how to handle your women".)
Piper: I think I know.
Paige: Oh, I told you we should've waited for Leo.
Piper: Shut up.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Street. Piper, Phoebe and Paige are walking down it.]
Phoebe: It's not so bad if you like grey.
Piper: I don't understand how everything changed so much.
Paige: Well, we sent the demon back stronger than when he came. Strong enough to kill Lady Godiva.
Phoebe: Still, it's hard to believe her ride affected just everything. Look at this.
Piper: Apparently it had an impact on us women because it sent us back like a thousand years or so.
Phoebe: We have to fix this.
Piper: Oh, no. I left Wyatt and Chris with the Elfin nanny before...
Phoebe: That's okay. They're boys. They're probably being treated like royalty right now. Hey, why didn't we change?
Paige: Probably because we were at Magic School and protected? (People near by stare at the girls.) Okay, guys, uh, I think we're attracting a little too much attention out here. What say we orb back to the Book of Shadows.
Phoebe: No, I don't want to go back home.
Piper: Why?
Phoebe: Did you hear what Leslie said?
Paige: Well, we can't stay out here, we're attracting too much attention.
Piper: Yeah, and we wouldn't want to be flogged. (They look up at a sign that reads "Women who talk in public will be flogged".) So much for your breast feeding campaign.
Phoebe: Cute.
(A man on a horse rides over to them.)
Man: Hey.
[Time lapse. Piper, Phoebe and Paige are locked in a jail cell.]
Guard: Every peep out of you adds an extra flogging to your sentence.
(He walks away.)
Phoebe: What is flogging, exactly?
Paige: I don't know. But how about we orb out of here so we don't have to find out.
Piper: Where are we gonna go? We still have to fix this somehow.
Guard: That's two extra floggings each!
Piper: Okay. Look, we need to figure out something 'cause I need to feed someone, soon.
Paige: What if Lady Godiva's still alive?
Phoebe: Oh, Paige, I know you're upset, we all are. But we can't bring her back to life.
Paige: No, no, no. Why can't we conjure her? That way she'd still be alive and her ride would still be ahead of her.
Piper: I don't know how that's gonna get us back to our world.
Paige: Maybe it will if she can finish her ride.
Phoebe: We'd have to vanquish the demon first this time.
Paige: We can do that. We just have to get out of here.
Piper: (whispers) Leo.
Phoebe: Oh. What if he's different in this world too?
Piper: That's a mighty fine question. Leo!
(Leo orbs in wearing a suit.)
Leo: What are you guys doing here? What are you wearing?
Piper: Uh, look, we're kind of in a hurry, so cliff notes version. Demon killed Lady Godiva which changed history, we gotta fix it, so are you with me or what?
Leo: Lady Godiva?
Phoebe: Yeah, she probably doesn't mean much to you, but apparently she means a lot to us.
Paige: Duncan. We're gonna need Duncan to conjure her. Leo, can you take me to Magic School?
Leo: Magic School? Magic School's been shut for years. Everyone's in hiding here, even demons. No one dare uses magic.
Phoebe: Talk about repressed.
Paige: Okay, but magic still exists, which means this kid Duncan has to be somewhere, right?
[Cut to an alley. A dozen kids or so are there playing games and making potions using their magic. Paige and Leo orb in.]
Leo: They've got no place else to go. We keep them here for their own safety.
(Paige sees Duncan standing in a corner by himself.)
Paige: Okay, go back to Phoebe and Piper, help them find the history book, we're gonna need it. Don't ask, it'll just give you a headache. (Leo orbs out. Paige walks over to Duncan.) Duncan?
Duncan: Nobody by that name here.
Paige: Uh, yeah, well, I don't have time to play games.
Duncan: Yeah, neither do I, so if you're thinking of jackin' my stash, don't.
(She takes a plastic bag from him.)
Paige: Murdock root? This is your stash?
(Duncan grabs Paige and pushes her against a fence.)
Duncan: Lady, I'm warning you. Back off, understand? (Paige orbs out and orbs back in behind him.) You one of them freedom fighters?
Paige: I don't know about that, but I would like to free you from this life you've got going here. I just need the conjuring spell.
Duncan: Are you trying to get me hanged? Just because these guys are getting away with some piss-a** magic, doesn't mean we're not being watched.
Paige: Look, I come from a world where good magic isn't wasted. And it can be that way again, I just need your conjuring spell.
Duncan: You are one of the do-gooders always spewing that crap.
Paige: No, this is crap, okay? Because I know you had dreams and I know you have hopes and you're just suppressing them.
Duncan: But you think I'm scared of my dreams, don't you? No, because I'm not.
Paige: You have a choice. You can either step up and be a man or you can crawl back into your little rat hole. It's up to you.
[Scene: Magic School. Piper, Phoebe and Leo are there. Piper and Phoebe are looking through the history book while Leo lights candles around the room.]
Phoebe: No Joan of Arc, no Catherine the Great, none of them are in here.
Piper: Keep looking.
Phoebe: It's pretty amazing this world is so much more repressed, and yet Leo seems freer.
Piper: Yeah, I almost forgot what he was like.
(Paige orbs in.)
Paige: Okay, I got the spell. Did you find Godiva?
Phoebe: Yep, right here. But talk about your fine print.
Paige: Doesn't matter, as long as she's in there.
Leo: So wait, I don't understand. If you return her back to just before she was killed, history will reverse itself?
Paige: I warned you about the headache thing, right? Okay, so as soon as we get them here, you blast Dyson, then we send her back right away.
Phoebe: I thought we had to send them back together?
Paige: I'm hoping no. Not if Dyson doesn't exist anymore.
Piper: But first we gotta make sure we're okay. There's no buried resentments that a hungry demon could feed off of? Phoebe?
Phoebe: No, I'm fine. As long as Leslie's not in the room, I'm fine. You?
Piper: No, I'm good. I pretty much tell you guys when I'm pissed off.
Phoebe: That's a good point. Paige?
Paige: Sometimes I feel repressed being the little sister.
Piper: What, you want to be the oldest sister? Come on now, get over it.
Paige: Okay, I'm over it. "Where royals once lived, so did she, bring forth the naked lady, from the eleventh century." (The illustration in the book glows and Lady Godiva and Lord Dyson appear in the room. The whole room glows as the world returns to normal.) That's more like it.
(Paige rushes over to Lady Godiva and hands her a robe.)
Lady Godiva: Paige. I thought you were sending me back?
Paige: Change of plans.
Lord Dyson: Perhaps I need a little more power.
(He tries to suck the repression out of Phoebe and Paige but nothing happens.)
Phoebe: Nice try.
(He succeeds in sucking repression out of Piper.)
Paige: Piper?
Lord Dyson: So much bottled up anger.
Piper; (to Leo) You know what? Enough with your moping. The Elders screwed you? What about me?
Phoebe: Piper, what are you doing?
Piper: I am not going to raise two little boys all on my own because you're too busy feeling sorry for yourself. Alright? So get over it. Seriously.
Lord Dyson: Now, where was I?
(He throws an energy ball towards Lady Godiva.)
Paige: Energy ball. (The energy ball reflects back to Lord Dyson hitting him in the chest. He stumbles backwards.) Ooh, that's not good.
(Piper blows up Leo over and over and he continues to orb back in.)
Leo: Piper, enough. Stop.
Phoebe: Okay, you get Piper, I'll get him.
(Phoebe kicks Lord Dyson in the chest. Paige goes over to Piper and grabs her arm.)
Paige: Piper, snap out of it. It's the demon doing this to you, not Leo.
(Lord Dyson creates an energy ball.)
Piper: No!
(She goes to blow him up but he shimmers out.)
Phoebe: Piper.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Manor. Piper, Phoebe and Paige walk into the conservatory where Leo and Lady Godiva are.]
Piper: How am I supposed to know I'm so repressed?
Paige: You couldn't tell?
Piper: I'm a working single mother of two kids. I barely have time to brush my teeth, let alone self reflection.
Phoebe: Well, maybe you should make time.
Leo: Nothing that needed healing. She's just a little shaken up.
Phoebe: I bet she is.
Paige: Well, guys, we'd better come up with a plan because Lord Dyson is out there getting stronger as we speak. Thanks to Piper.
Piper: Alright.
Paige: Look, all we're saying is that when he comes back...
Phoebe: And he will.
Paige: He might be too strong to stop. Especially if he taps into Leo's repressed rage.
Lady Godiva: I'm not going to be able to finish my ride, am I?
(Lord Dyson shimmers in.)
Lord Dyson: No, you're not.
(Leo pulls Lady Godiva out of the way as Lord Dyson throws an energy ball towards them. Piper tries to blow him up. He stumbles backwards.)
Piper: Orb her out of here.
Paige: No, she won't stand a chance. He'll feed off Leo.
(Lord Dyson throws another energy ball and Piper blows it up in mid-air.)
Piper: Just get her out of here. We'll think of something.
(Paige orbs out with Lady Godiva. Piper and Phoebe run up the stairs.)
Phoebe: We'll think of something? That's the best you can do?
(Leo runs up the stairs after them. Lord Dyson throws an energy ball and it hits the stairs railing. Leo stops and shoots lightning bolts at Lord Dyson, but misses. He runs up the stairs.)
[Cut to the hallway.]
Piper: I'm officially open to other ideas.
Phoebe: Okay, maybe we should let him get to Leo. Maybe a little overdose.
Piper: Or become unstoppable.
Phoebe: He already is that.
(Leo joins them.)
Leo: Okay, I am orbing you guys out of here.
Piper: No, actually, you're gonna let him feed on you. See ya.
Phoebe: Good luck, man.
Leo: What?
(Piper and Phoebe hide in a room. Lord Dyson walks into the hallway.)
Lord Dyson: Let's see what you've been hiding from me. Oh, there's so much. So ready to come out. Let it out, let it all out.
(He sucks Leo's repression.)
Leo: You demons have it so easy. No morality to worry about, no attachments, no one to lose.
Piper: (from bedroom) Yeah, you tell him, Leo.
Leo: When you kill, you feel nothing!
(Lord Dyson can't handle the repression. He yells and explodes, destroying the furniture around him. Piper and Phoebe come out of the room.)
Piper: How you doing? Feels good to get rid of all that stuff, huh?
(Paige and Lady Godiva walk into the hallway.)
Paige: You did it. You vanquished him.
Phoebe: Thanks to Leo.
Lady Godiva: Finally, I'm free!
(She drops the robe she was wearing to the floor.)
Piper: Yes, you are.
(Piper turns Leo's head.)
[Scene: Magic School. Paige, Lady Godiva and Duncan are there. Lady Godiva is sitting on her horse waiting to go back.]
Duncan: Me? Why don't you send her back. I don't want to use magic anymore.
Paige: You can't stop using your magic anymore than you can stop breathing, Duncan.
Duncan: Well, I don't want to be that way anymore.
Paige: You don't have a choice. None of us do. Look, you messed up. Big deal. That's what you're here for, to learn, to gain control over your powers. You have to show that you can fix this for all our sakes.
Duncan: What if they're watching?
(He looks up.)
Paige: I hope they're watching. You can do this.
(He turns to Lady Godiva.)
Duncan: So, uh, you ready to go back?
Lady Godiva: I can't wait.
(She takes off the robe and Duncan stares.)
Paige: Duncan, the spell?
Duncan: Oh, right. Right. "A time for everything and everything in place, return what's been moved through time and space."
(Lady Godiva glows and returns to the history book.)
Paige: I knew you could do it. (Elder #1 orbs in.) I got this one.
Elder #1: You can't help yourself, can you Paige? You just can't leave well enough alone.
Paige: If well enough alone means shutting down Magic School, then no, no I can't. If you don't give these amazing kids a place to go and express themselves, then you are going to be crushing their spirits and relegating them to hiding in caves and alley ways and abusing magic because they have nowhere else to turn.
Elder #1: I think you've made your point.
Paige: So...
Elder #1: So we won't shut it down.
Paige: What?
Elder #1: As long as you can prove that you can keep running it.
Paige: Me? Oh, no, no, no, not, no. I'll find someone.
(He orbs out.)
Duncan: You can do this.
[Scene: Outside Cafe. Piper meets up with Paige.]
Piper: Hey. This better be good. I was just in the middle of putting Wyatt down for a nap.
Paige: Yeah, it looks like our Lady Godiva has quite an impact on our Phoebe's cause.
(Piper looks to see Phoebe riding a horse naked down the street towards the cafe. Everyone stops and stares. The manager comes out of the cafe.)
Phoebe: This man is still living in the eleventh century. He wants women to be barefoot and pregnant and stay at home. He thinks we should be ashamed of breast feeding, the most natural thing in the world. Well, shame on him. I'm not ashamed and neither should you be. (The people cheer.) And it's a shame that women have to take off their clothes to be heard. We shouldn't have to be exploited like this. Right?
Everyone: Right!
(The waiter takes down the "Management has the right to refuse service to anyone" sign.)
Waiter: There. Are you satisfied now?
(Everyone cheers.)
[Cut to The Bay Mirror. Phoebe/Les's office. Les is looking out the window watching the whole thing. He sits down and picks up Phoebe's letter. He reads it and starts typing on his computer.]
 marshjazz · Wed Jul 20, 2005 @ 01:55am · 0 Comments |
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