Sorrowful Death

• Artist: TrashHeapMcGee
• Description: Hey, I can write poetry! :3 This one doesn't rhyme, but I still think its pretty good. I came up with it while thinking about an ex of mine. Kinda does its job, I guess. Constructive Criticism and comments are always welcome. Enjoy.
• Date: 01/31/2010
• Tags: sorrowful death dark pain pastexperiences

When I cry from pain
do you cry from laughter?
When you're in my dreams
am I in your nightmares?
When I just want to die
do you want me to as well?

Is there a cell in your body
that still cares
for me,
my well-being?

No.

You just had to be there..
Wrong place,
wrong time.

That one final shove
that sent me falling.
Seconds later;
the ground,
bones cracking,
blood splattering.

You just had to be there
for my time of dying.

Comments

[TrashHeapMcGee]

Aha thanks. :3 It reminds me I need to get some other poetry up. Maybe a few happier ones. Lol. But yeah, thanks.

[MidnightWhisperer13]

The 5th stanza was very imaginable. I could see it. A falling girl then bam hits the ground. She ahs gone limp and blood is everywhere all that is left is her dead body and broken heart. This poem was very impressive. Like what Nooova said it would of been better to add in more description. then that is what makes the reader feel like they're the one that is dying. Besides that you are a great writer. smile I'm glad I read this one.

[Photoa]

Your demon is winning over your soul, you need to find a new home where he/she can't bug you.

[mmhhnm]

<3 it!

P.S. I know how ya feel >.<
Instead of telling off sum1, yelling, crying. i write poetry... l8ly this guys been makin me write a bo0k...well anywayz- great j0b! :3

[Nooova]

I like it. The way you wrote the first stanza was very powerful. As said before, you were a little blunt. I really think you could've made this poem a little more longer by dragging things out. Length isn't always best, but you really could've gone into vague details about everything. That can add something to the poem. Oh, don't worry if it doesn't rhyme. Not all poetry has to rhyme. Other than that, powerful poem. Very emotional poem. Great poem.

[TrashHeapMcGee]

Thanks.

[To-Chi VIII]

's not bad... Not as bad as most on Gaia. Pretty expectable, though... I say the first two or three lines and knew your were a chick writing about an ex. Still, your English is good, and your message is clear, though a bit blunt. So, overall, nice, but not perfect.