-
note: I quit that job.
Clean yourself up baby, everything's gonna be alright
I promis I'll protect you, with my whole entire life
This was said by the house mom, I believed she really loved me
she said that no other place, would come close to being like
family. Yet the girls didn't trust each other and the whole place
you really had to watch for "hustle". Sexually abused as a child
and raped as a teen, no one was there to be a mom
to ever say "I love you" or hold me and say I'd be okay.
I don't remember the begining or the end, it wasn't for the
money, though a lot of people thought it was, and therefore
looked down on me.... I already felt dirty on the inside
so I acted on it from the inside out.I'd kept many secrets, eating disorder
untill my heart started failing and I had to be inpaitent for a month and a half
I started cutting untill I ran out of room.
I needed one more secret, just one....
When I got on the stage, I wasn't me anymore....
I started exposing the feeling of false truth, that I was already contaminated, ruined
so for awhile In my head, I became "worthless whore".
you know, I don't judge the other girls for what they do. They're fine
if thats the way they want to live, than that is okay. I don't think of
them as "whores" or "sluts" at all...I only looked
down on myself, judged myself... took it upon
myself to strip for the men who were a lot of times
much older, getting arise out of a 20 year old. They often broke
the rules, and did things that were plain disgusting
and abusive... The house mom kept her promis that if they did
anything grotesque or out of line...
she'd kick them right out... but then I realised even though
she made them leave, it couldnt take back what was
already done to me.
I was disgusted with myself, for a long time I wanted to quit...
but the house mom said she loved me, and I believed every part of it.
She was a woman who I could pretty much tell anything to.
But you know what? strippers and girls are a dime-a-dozen.
when I came in and told them I quit, they just said "okay"
and didn't even try to make me stay.
On stage... I became a different girl. I was damn good at dancing.
I could move like fluid and work the pole like a pro. I don't know
why it became that way, I didn't like sexual things, yet, when you feel like
you have a second family, ones who at least pretend to care, you just kind of
lose yourself, when you already feel "ruined"I can never explain it. someone once shared a quote with me;
"from the outside looking in, you could never understand...from the inside
looking out, you could never explain"
How true this was, yes, it was a choice to be stripper, and yes, there is
no excuse for me to be there, but to really get to the
core of what I felt, it's so hard to understand. Even for me.
For some girls, it is just a way of life. That's fine if they're comfortable with themselves..
but for a girl like me? it was just emotionally unhealthy.
Until my counselor told me the value of my worth... that she'd always be there...
I finally got it. That even though many people find it okay, that it wasn't healing
at all, and that healing comes from trusting someone like her, who listens
to the pain, hugs me tight when I cry. She's there, and she said she'll always
be there, when she retires she'll still stay at my side because then she'll
be allowed to have contact from the outside.
I cant thank her enough for how she's been there the past year...
so I suppose I dedicate this to her, for she's always
helping me find my worth.
- by Cosmic Thing |
- Non Fiction
- | Submitted on 03/29/2013 |
- Skip
- Title: my life as a stripper
- Artist: Cosmic Thing
- Description: maddness, lonliness and greif
- Date: 03/29/2013
- Tags: life stripper
- Report Post
Comments (1 Comments)
- Zaiikki - 03/25/2014
-
well it seem you're yourself got a dark past
i got one too but still for you to even write this
i'll give you credit for it....you got guts
well i guess i wish you the best for you life
remember your mistake never repeat it again, that's all - Report As Spam