• Pericolo! Morte!
    A Team Fortress 2 Fanfiction
    Mission 11: Wardrobe Wonder

    Today was a very special day. A very, very special day, indeed, and it was hard for everyone on base to sleep. In the early hours, just as the sun rose, Corky got himself ready for the day, before silently cloaking and slipping outside. He took a winding path to a small shed, glancing around carefully before unlocking it and stepping in. Tons of junk was heaped up in here; replacement parts for weapons, caution signs, antelopes, and boxes by the dozen. With careful precision he pulled a small, unnoticeable box from the shelf and pulled out a special, antique looking key. "Perfection. Soon they will wake, and it will be time!"
    The door to the cafeteria side of the base opened, too, even before any alarm clocks rang. Pyro excitedly hurried in, pausing to wave up at the ceiling with a friendly 'Mffmfm!' With a slow yawn, That Voice drawled, "Why are you so bleeding happy at six in the morning? I'm trying to get my beauty sleep."
    "Mmmmfmfmfm mmfmfmmf mmmhmm! Hmhmhmhm!"
    "... Right... Pyro! I have a special mission for you!"
    He stood at rigid attention, saluting. "Mff!"
    "You must not speak with me for the next three hours. Your mission begins in three... two...! Yawn..." That Voice fell silent again.
    "... Mmf." Pyro shrugged, and then hurried down the hall to Hevy's door. He knocked twice before the door suddenly swung open to reveal the massive man. Pyro bounced up and down excitedly, "MMFMF!"
    "Yes, good morning to Pyro! Come to base very early!" Hevy still had on his sleeping cap, but it was obvious he was excited too. "Today is special base-only holiday! Hevy is SOOOO excited!"
    "Mmmhmm! Hmhmhm!"
    "Hevy wants holiday to start NOW!" When the Pyro nodded, Hevy carefully picked him up and set him aside, then went to the next door and pounded on it hard enough to make the door splinter and crack. "WAKEY WAKEY LITTLE BABY!"
    "MY DOOR, BONK!" Greg shouted from inside, "What the hell are you doing to my door?? You know I got a collectible poster on this side?!? You'll ruin it!"
    Hevy paused a moment, then ripped the door right from the frame, turning it around to look at the poster. His eyes grew wide for a moment, "Skinny lady not wear much clothes in public?"
    "HEY!" Greg leaped out of bed in Baseball-Dinosaur PJ's, "Give me back my door!"
    The door was thrown with violent force back in at the scout, making a loud CRACK!SMACK sort of noise as it and the teen hit the wall together. Pyro and Hevy immediately burst out laughing and pointed at the sight, as Greg died of a horrible skull injury. Derek suddenly threw open his own door and screamed, "What in the name of God's good earth is all this racket so early?!? What are you two maggots doing up?!?"
    "Soldier!" Hevy saluted, "It is holiday of special times in base!"
    "Mmmfmf!" Pyro saluted as well.
    "...by golly you're RIGHT! I almost forgot! Let's rouse the rest of the troops, go, go, go!" Soon the three were shouting up into Brent's sniper nest, who responded by almost sniping them with a cranky growl. After that they ran to Big C's room and shouted in at him, who responded by almost demolishing them, with a cranky hungover growl. Finally, they ran to the doctor's room and shouted in at him, who nearly gave them all healf shots but at least didn't make a cranky growl.
    "Guten morgen!" Doktor came out looking ready for the day, "It is very early! You all look zo excited, ja!"
    "MORNING DOKTOR!" Hevy hugged him and carried him under an arm to the cafeteria. "Today is special fun holiday, but must eat breakfast and wait for Engineer!"
    Pretty soon everyone but Corky was eating breakfast, and eventually Redd came on in with his usual cheerful greeting. He always came in with his lunch box, but today he had a second, bigger box! "The wifey sent y'all all a little present for the special day! We've got honey cakes and lemonade, fresh and made with love and nature's goodness."
    "Yer guidwife is an angel, if ye died reit noo eh'd gang an' marry 'er." Big C sipped from his morning bottle of booze, and paused in silent thought. "Actually if Ah murrdad heem she'd be a widaw, an' easy pickings..."
    "Hooray for Engineer Wife! Hevy wants field trip to farm again."
    "NO." Redd shouted, "OUT OF THE QUESTION. We're not doing THAT ever, EVER again."
    "Mmmf..." Pyro wept a flammable tear out of the sadness that he'd never again have access to a herd of cows that big, legally.
    "Well, well! A field trip is all well and good," The smell of cigarette smoke wafted into the room, long before Corky uncloaked in the middle of it, "But today is even better, no?"
    "IS SPY!" Hevy leaped out and gave him a huge hug, "NOW HOLIDAY CAN BEGIN! Spy is especially squishy in hugging!"
    "Please, put me down." He groaned. After being set on his feet again, he dusted off his suit. "But yes! I have the key, so I can officially open the walk-in-closet and Be A Spy Day can officially begin!"
    The entire team cheered, and followed after Corky as he went to his room and to the double-door, walk in closet. Walk-in was an understatement, however, as the secret costume wardrobe of the Red spy was a bit like a well-organized shopping mall of wonder. So everyone could barely contain their excitement as he began to unlock it, before throwing the doors open. "Gentlemen! The wardrobe is now op-... oh what the ********."
    Everyone stared in, in stunned shock. The place was empty, save for a few coat hangers and mismatched socks. A tumbleweed from unknown origin rolled by, and a stiff cold breeze from the air conditioning seemed to overtake everyone. Corky slowly walked in and glanced around, seeming unnerved. "Where is... but it was just... the key hasn't... WHERE'S ALL MY STUFF?!?"
    "OH NOOOOOOOO!" Hevy screamed, "THIS IS SO BAD! THEFT! THEFT! HAAALP!"
    "By golly, I'd say this is a code yellow!"
    "CODE YELLOW!" Everyone else screamed in terror.
    "Code yellow?" That Voice yawned a bit, "What's all this hub-bub abou- ... oh dearie me, you got cleaned out, didn't you, Riviera?"
    "But this is impossible! There are no other entrances into this place!"
    "Heh heh... oh, I must not have passed on that note to you." The Voice laughed, almost darkly. "Everyone else should check their own closets for something special. The team glanced at each other nervously, before Hevy was brave enough to go to his closet with the group. He slowly opened the door to reveal a warm, glowing light! Heavenly music played, and he was greeted with a pop up message in his face. Canceling it out with annoyance, everyone gasped in surprise! A beautiful, shiny HALO! All of the others who lived on the base squealed and ran to their own closets to find their own shiny halos of glory!
    "...so I see. I understand now..." Corky grumbled.
    "Why all of Spy's things gone but Hevy have pretty angel shiny?"
    "Because!" That Voice thundered, "THIS MAN IS A LOUSY CHEATER."
    Everyone gasped in shock and stared at him, awaiting for an explanation! He shrugged. "So I like lying around and collecting what comes to me. Is this really so wrong? But it's ruined Be a Spy day and I cannot forgive! So if you EXCUSE ME...!" In a huff, he vanished entirely... but left a few tears on the floor in his wake. ;(
    "Yay! Look at me, I'm a freakin' baseball playin' saint!" Greg ran around obnoxiously. But the Hevy and Pyro were too busy looking at the tears on the floor, then they looked at each other and nodded. Turning, they plowed down Greg and started outside. "My SPINE!!"
    "And where are you two honest, non-cheating maggots going now?"
    "Mmmfmf!" Pyro saluted, taking a set of keys from a little rack that read 'Home Sweet Home'.
    "We'll be back!" Hevy slammed the door behind them.

    At the Bloo base, things weren't nearly as exciting. That team was busy outlining plans for the automatic turret system they were planning on installing, facing the Red base, and it was all very boring. But they hardly noticed when a side door silently opened, and the two Red team members crept in silently with big bags... The Hevy tiptoed with Pyro to the hallway where all of the doors had names on them. They searched for the Bloo Spy's room and opened the door, slipping in quickly and closing it behind them. “Is big success! Now getting into closet, maybe harder.”
    Pyro nodded and walked to the closet doors, looking them up and down. He first attempted to open them the normal way, to no real success. So, he whipped out his ax. “Mmmfmff?”
    Hevy stared as his mind slowly churned. Axes = Chop = Door die. But Chop = Noise = Alert. “Nyet! Find other way.”
    The shorter man grumbled, putting his ax away. Next he pointed his flamethrower at the closet, looking to the Hevy for approval. The big guy's mind churned again. Fire = Burn = Door die. But Fire = Burn = Burn EVERYWHERE! He shook his head. “Let Hevy take care of!”
    Pyro stepped back, as the Hevy grabbed the door handle and pulled sharply. It pulled completely free with a minimal 'Crack!', and the two paused and kept silent, listening to see if anyone had heard. When it seemed silent, they pushed open the closet door to find the Bloo Spy's immense wardrobe waiting for them. With a quiet victory cheer, they ran in and began stuffing outfits by the bundle into the huge bags until they were near to bursting. But the Hevy paused when there was an odd feeling, as if someone was watching, and glanced around. He was happily surprised to find Corky right there! “Oh, hello, Spy! We came to do big surprise for you, but you came too!”
    “Oh, yes, I always love having new costumes. Tell me, you came straight from the Red base?”
    “In big hurry!”
    “You are ever too kind.” The spy was truly none other than the Bloo Spy! He began to reach for his knife, very upset that someone was there to pilfer his costumes. “You are the best friend a spy could ever have!”
    “Very good!” Hevy smiled and went back to stuffing the bag, unaware as the Bloo pulled his knife completely free, and readied to stab it in violently. But before the fatal blow could be had, an ax buried itself into the Spy's head. Hevy looked back in shock, “Pyro, NOOOO~~~”
    “Mmmf!!” Pyro protested, freeing the weapon as the Spy revealed his true colors, though what with all the blood he seemed more purple than anything. Hurriedly, Pyro finished filling his bag and tossed it over a shoulder, signaling to Hevy that they ought to head home. Soon they were hauling their bags down the halls, trying to keep an eye out for any other Bloo people. Unfortunately for them, they were just coming out from their meeting room and saw them! “MMF!”
    “Thieves!” They all yelled and whipped out weapons. The two Reds screamed and took off, outside! The Bloo team gave chase and were busy firing at them. It seemed hopeless, until there was a loud BANG! The Bloo Soldier fell down instantly, with a bullethole in his head.
    “SNIPER!” Hevy cheered, as another Bloo member bit the dust.
    “I've got your backs, hurry into the base!” Brent shouted down from his perch, taking out yet another Bloo. With his cover-fire, the two made it inside safely, and they both ran to Corky's room and into the empty closet. They hastily began to put outfits onto the racks and tried to make sure they were in some sort of order. Eventually, it looked less sad and empty.
    “Very good! Now to find GOOD Spy... is difficult.”
    Pyro shook his head in disagreement, and motioned for Hevy to follow. He crept back outside, where the Bloo Medic had dragged the bodies of his comrades into safety to try and repair them, but one of the team members was oddly still alive and complaining loudly.
    “Oh Doktor!” The 'Bloo' Hevy cried, “Need help NOW!”
    Pyro pointed at him, “Mmmfmf.”
    “Pyro is right, Bloo Spy was dead in closet! Red Spy must be always on the job!”
    “Patience, patience!” The Bloo Medic finally came over to the 'Bloo' Hevy, “Let me zee your wounds, ja?”
    “Doktor must come closer... closer...!”
    Just as the Bloo Doctor was in grabbing range, he was lit up from behind by Pyro's torch. The man collapsed into a pile of ashes soon after, the Pyro laughing evilly under his mask. Corky stared for a moment, taking off the disguise. “... yes, thank you, Pyro... mgh.”
    “SPY!” Hevy grabbed him up, “Is no more needing to cry baby tears!”
    “Oh?”
    “Come this way!” Hevy carried him in, and promptly brought him to the closet, setting him down inside. “Tadaaa!”
    “Ah hah!” Corky gasped in delight, “Why, new outfits! Not nearly the stash I had going before, but better than nothing! What wonderful friends I have! In fact... this means Be a Spy Day is not ruined!”
    “YAY!” Both Pyro and Hevy cheered, bouncing around.
    “That Voice, if you would, make an announcement...?”
    “Fine, but you're still a dirty rotten cheater... Attention Red Team: Be A Spy Day shall commence in three... two... one!”

    Soon everyone was having fun dressing up in different occupational costumes and being able to, for a little while, be a spy just like their own. The honey cakes were delicious, and the lemonade was consumed like water, while much happiness and laughter filled the base. Corky himself seemed delighted, and gave good spy-advice all through the day until it was quite late. So everyone helped him tidy the room back up, before saying thanks and heading for their beds or their homes. With a satisfied sigh, Corky did a few organization adjustments before exiting the closet and closing the doors.
    “Our annual Be a Spy Day was another glorious success! Perhaps I really ought to be more loyal to my team members... hmm.” He pulled out his key, before a knock came on the door. “Oh? Do come in, the door is still unlocked.”
    Derek came on in, closing the door behind him and abruptly saluting. “Congratulations, soldier, on a well-done event! I'm proud of you!”
    “Oh, you flatter me so!”
    “However it seems you still have many gaps in the new wardrobe!”
    “Yes, it will take some time before I am able to fill them...” Corky sighed, shrugging as he locked the closet. He then sat on the bed. “Oh well. It's simply too hard to try and sneak in shopping bags...”
    “Now don't be such a quitter! My men never quit!” Derek suddenly thrust a magazine into Corky's face. “Look here, real careful!”
    “... mail order clothing in discreet packaging?” Corky smirked... “Oh you! Mon petit concombre!”
    “Heh heh! The, uh, summer line of intimates... they're pretty nice...! We need to look at them together and make a battle plan, then buy and buy some more!”
    “Agreed!” Corky yanked him over onto the bed, and the both spent the rest of the evening going through the clothes magazine, quite happily.

    However...
    “All of my good outfits!” The Bloo Spy raged, “How dare they!”
    “Bonk bonk bonk.” The Scout commented unhelpfully.
    “You know what this means! Revenge is nigh!”
    “Boink?”
    “Yes... I shall unleash the plague of the Scout unto the Red Base. Heed my words, foul thieves! You will regret the day you laid fingers on my wardrobe! You will PAY, and NOT IN CASH!”