• Here
    By Claire Hawthorne

    i like
    where we are
    when we drive in your car
    i like
    where we are
    here.


    “Please don’t come in just yet,” I whispered to myself, struggling to write down the words I wanted to say. I knew he was coming to French class, and I knew I wouldn’t have much time to write it all down. All I wanted was to be able to spill my guts in the most nonchalant way possible, so out came the notepad and the pen which wrote my feelings.

    His friend walked into the classroom and by my desk; I covered up the note. I knew his friend wouldn’t have cared what I was writing, but I didn’t want anyone to see. Just in case he didn’t share my feelings, I didn’t want anyone else to know.

    My hand which held the pen was sweaty. The two minutes that we had between classes was almost up, and he hadn’t walked into the room yet. But my note was finished. I read it over, just as he walked into the room. I tried not to make eye contact with him.

    And then, with one deep breath in which I sucked in all the courage I could handle, I got up and walked over to his seat. “Sorry about yesterday,” I said to him, as I had bumped into him the day before and yelled things at him. Me and my ditzy self, trying horribly to flirt. “I was a little hyped up on sugar,” I lied. “But, uh, here.” I tossed the note onto his desk, and walked away with saying nothing more. However, my insides were screaming, and my face was burning like hell’s inferno.

    I didn’t look back. I couldn’t bear it. I heard him give out a noise, whether it was a sigh of relief or a scream of disgust or anything else – I would never know, and then I heard Pattycakes say, “Mike, why are you dead on the desk?”

    My stomach dropped into a bottomless pit and I thought, I’ve ******** everything up.

    last night
    i had a dream about you
    in this dream
    i'm dancing right beside you
    and it looked
    like everyone was having fun
    the kind of feeling
    i've waited so long

    As I walked into Biology class, the last class of the day, I saw that he had beaten me there. I froze for a second, and my eyes fixated on the floor, continuing to look there as I trucked on to my desk. I sat in front of him, so I had no problem with trying not to look at him. But I still had to beg myself to not look behind me like I always would, just to catch one glimpse of him to tame my feral heart, knowing it would never happen.

    Maybe this was all just one big mistake. It felt like it, as my face was growing hotter and my stomach was disturbing me even more. My body was responding to my actions like it was that time of the month all over again.

    With every tick of the clock, I held my breath even more. When that bell rings at 2:36, what would be his reaction? What would my reaction to his reaction be? I gave out a moan of disgust and my friend, Audrey, who sat next to me at the lab table, asked if I was okay. I said I felt a little sick, and I wasn’t lying. I felt entirely sick. But lovesick.

    The bell rang. s**t. My hands were shuddering. I looked up, completely disobeying myself, and looked behind. He was getting up and starting to leave. Quickly, I turned my head back around and the upper-half of my body collapsed on the desk, writing the homework down to give me an excuse to not look at him. I was screaming on the inside, body quivering and sweat pouring from my glands. Just let him walk by, and then it’ll all be fine. Today will be nothing more than a big memory, a big mistake that I’ll just have to look back on.

    I looked up a little bit. He hadn’t walked by yet. My head was pounding, but it wasn’t hurting. The class was eager to run out of the classroom, and the room was slowly draining. Come on, I thought, refusing to look behind to see if he was still there, I want to leave…

    And then I felt a hand on my shoulder, an arm across my back, and a voice in my ear; “Will you walk home with me?”

    Oh dear, I think my heart just stopped.

    don't stop
    come a little closer
    as we jam
    the rhythm gets stronger
    there's nothing wrong
    with just a little, little fun
    we were
    dancing all night long

    “OH MY GOD.” I was screaming down the hallway, running as fast I could to my locker. Meanwhile, he was waiting outside for me. “OH MY GOD, BREANN! BREANN!” I spotted my best friend and immediately ran to her. She looked up, eyes completely in bewilderment, and I told her the entire story. “And now he wants me to walk home with him!”

    She screamed in unison with me. “That’s incredible!” she yelled, giving me the biggest hug ever.

    “I can’t believe this is happening,” I said. I was shaking again, but this time in excitement. My knees gave out, just out of pure joy, and me and Breann were kneeling on the floor, hugging and screaming. And this time, I hadn’t collapsed because of overwhelming sadness. I hadn’t burst into hysterical sobs just as reality hit me, and Breann wasn’t trying to comfort me. This was joy. Pure pleasure.

    Out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone pass by the commotion of me and Breann. I held in a laugh, just because of the complete irony of his appearance. It was the boy who ended our relationship six months prior, completely out of the blue. It was the boy who had told everyone, including my friends, that he was going to break up with me a week before, and no one said a word to me. It was the boy who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, only to see that reality thought differently.

    It was my ex-boyfriend, Joe.

    A thought drifted to my mind. There is an anime that I love to watch called Death Note. At the very end of the series, as Raito is dying and running away from the police, he runs past someone. That someone was himself when he first picked up the Death Note and sealed his fate. It reminded me of myself. My past love, walking past me in the same fashion, reminding me of the pain, the heartache, and the remorse.

    But now I had no remorse. Things were looking bright. Very bright. I grabbed the homework that I needed, now running late and hoping that he hadn’t left and thought I had stood him up, and sprinted down the hallway, still screaming at the top of my lungs. I couldn’t believe this was happening.

    And there he was, waiting outside for me. I took a few deep breaths as we began to walk down the street, but it didn’t help. I was completely out of breath, and not because of the running. Because my dream was coming true.

    He laughed. “It’s okay,” he said, “you can calm down. I can hear your nervousness.”

    “I’m not nervous,” I lied.

    He smiled. “It’s okay, really.”

    I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down.

    “So,” I said, trying to break the awkward silence, “I’m guessing you read my note?” Duh. Idiot.

    “Yeah,” he said. “No offense, but it was kind of obvious.”

    So he walked with me until he had to turn onto his street, and then we parted our ways.

    I was smiling all the way home.

    our lips can touch
    and our cheeks can brush
    our lips can touch
    here.

    I was jittery, even the next day. Even when I saw his smiling face at French class, at Biology class, even when I was walking home with him. “I can still hear your nervousness,” he said.

    “No, no,” I said, “I’m good now.”

    And then, somehow, we ended up at his house. We ended up in his room, talking about anything that came to mind. And then I smiled again, thinking everything over. This was really happening.

    “Are you okay?” he asked me. I nodded.

    “I’m just really happy,” I said. “Just getting you to talk to me was the best thing that happened to me in these past few months.”

    “Really?” he said. “Why?”

    “Well,” I started, “you know I was dating Joe, right?” He nodded. “Well, he broke up with me back in October and was a complete jerk about it. I wanted him so back so badly, but then I had immense crushes on a few other guys, including you. As the months went on, my confidence was dwindling. I couldn’t get a guy to share my feelings to save my life. So, the other day, I told Nicola that I was going to tell you that I like you. I said, ‘Screw it, I don’t care what happens. My lovelife’s crap enough as it is, so it doesn’t matter if he likes me back or not.’ And then I kept that promise, and the next day… Well, yeah.”

    His eyes were soft. And then he smiled, pulled his seat up next to me, and put his arm around me. My heart leapt into my throat. Everything was happening so fast. Was it possible that…? No, no, I shook the thought off.

    where you are the one
    the one who lies close to me
    whispers
    “hello, i’ve missed you quite terribly.”

    And then we were on his bed, me in his arms and watching Scrubs on his T.V. However, neither of us was really watching. We were talking about everything that had happened up to those moments, spilling all of our guts.

    I felt his hand on my waist, and then on my leg. Too fast? No, not at all. I wanted this to happen. I had my fair share of suffering, and now it was my time for the tables to turn.

    I buried my head on his chest, letting my emotions overcome me. I almost started crying, just because this was my fairy tale coming into a reality.

    But then something happened, something I’d still be in awe in for the rest of my life. Completely out of the blue, just like the, “We need to talk.” He did something that sealed our fate. Taking me by total surprise, he kissed me. On the lips. He kissed me.

    My heart burst, and my breathing stopped. He kissed me.

    This really was happening.

    “Does this mean we’re dating now?” I asked, on the verge of ditzy laughter.

    “Do you want to?” he responded.

    I smiled. “More than anything.”

    i fell in love
    in love with you suddenly
    now there’s no place
    else i can be
    but here in your arms.