• Lonely no more

    Once I trusted upon my own ideals, following by the rule of hand. All these theories placed in my mind. Theories of life, theories of love, theories of death. All expressed throughout my own output on poetic and written exports. Inside, I felt as though one of the Greek philosophers… although not quite so elderly.
    That was… until I began to gain experience.
    That was… until I noticed the rules, and somehow found a way to explain life as clearly as I can. In the form most accurate to me.
    I shall explain…




    She placed my hand around her waist as I stood behind her. I hadn’t minded, in fact, I gained a smile at this occurrence. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught her smiling, which placed a smile upon my face as well.
    Some of our friends came down the hall to us, and stopped only few feet from me and her. They looked at us funny and began to talk about random things. It was only when Ellie wrapped my other hand around her waist as well, that one of our friends said something.
    “That doesn’t look right,” Said Danni, as she crossed her arms around her books.
    Suddenly, I began to blush and unwrapped my arms around Ellie’s waist. Ellie turned and looked to me, then grabbed my hand gently, looking to Danni. The other girls looked at us and I frowned, still blushing a little. Oh, how I desired to just take Ellie’s hand and run away with her to the bathroom.
    I’ve had a secret crush on her since the 6th grade. So secret, not even I had known. Not only that, but only in the 8th grade, did I find out what flirting even meant. By the end of the 8th grade, I found out how much Ellie had been flirting with me. And that I had been flirting back. But oh well… Our whole freshman year was ridicules. It seemed every other day we avoided each other. Frequently, I wanted to know more and more about if she liked me, or just naturally flirted with me. But one day… I noticed how much I had liked her.
    So… One day after school, I took her by the hand, and led her to the abandoned hallways. She blushed, I blushed, and then began my babbling. It’s so clear, I remember every detail or what came out of my mouth.

    “Listen… I know there’s a million plus reason so say no, I mean hell… I would say no, and that’s me. But I guess I’m not you so I wouldn’t know what you would say, but there are reasons for you to say no, and I’m not expecting you to say yes that much, and-”
    “Annie, what do you want to ask me?” Ellie asked, getting straight to the point.
    Slowly, I looked down, and then into her light blue eyes. I got lost in them every time. Yet, I went on.
    “Well… would you like to go out with me or something…?”

    After that, she said she couldn’t, her mom didn’t know she was bisexual, and after her recent break up. Although, I knew this, and there for that was my reason for not expecting her to say yes.
    Even though… I wanted her to say yes just so much…

    But standing in front of Danni and the others, I sighed and held Ellie’s hand back.
    “Shuddup,” I told Danni, anger growing slowly in my voice.
    Then it was a little silent between us, so our friends started to drift away, leaving me and Ellie in the hallway. She looked to me and I looked to her, as she once again slid my hand around her waist. Then, once again, I blushed like mad, but got a little closer to her, hugging her from behind. This felt weird in a way, although I hadn’t minded a bit.




    I was shivering out of my pants, which he slowly began to pull down. The lights were dim, and everything seemed perfect. All, besides the growing nervousness in me. He was blushing a tad bit as he lowered my pants, then holding me closer. His hand reached lower down my waist, and I shook my head, taking the sucker out of my mouth.
    “Sean…” I started softly.
    He blushed deeper, raising his hands again to my waist. “What’s the matter?”
    Slowly, I shook my head, pulled up my pants, and grabbed my bag. “I can’t do this, not today…”
    “oh… okay,” Sean sighed, letting go of me.
    I leaned up to him, and kissed his lips softly. “Maybe tomorrow.”
    Sean nodded, grabbing my hand and kissing back. “I’ll be waiting,” he told me with a wink.
    Again, I quickly kissed his lips, and began to walk out of his room, down the steap stairs, and out of his house. Once I was outside on the lawn, I turned back and looked at him. He stood in his window, looking down to me smiling. Before I noticed, I was smiling back as well.




    I tried to ignore the yelling, my ipod buds shaking my ears. Once again, my mom was yelling at my sister for something as stupid as not picking up a spill. Even through the loudest things I’ve heard, I could scarcely hear the yells of my mother.
    “YOU DIDN’T PICK UP THE DAMN F***ING SPILL, YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF S**T!! YOU’RE JUST LIKE YOUR GOD FORSAKEN, WORTHLESS, PIECE OF S**T FATHER!!” She yelled.
    My little sister sobbed, and ran to my arms. I held her close, putting a bud in her ear. She fell in the music with me, and leaned her small head against my chest. It was a Kodak moment, but soon enough Mother had to come and ruin it…
    “WHAT THE HELL, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ANNIE?! HUH?!”
    “No where…” I muttered, before throwing a twenty dollar bill to her.
    She then scurried off somewhere else in the small apartment, leaving my sister and I on the floor listening to my music.




    Laura looked at me, tears streaking her face. We stood at the back of the movies, and I held her close to me. She had lost her father… and her mother died of breast cancer when Laura was young. Now, she only had her step mother, and her older dumb a** brother.
    I knew her since 6th grade as well, and we had a great friendship during the 7th and 8th grade. Often, we would go over to each other’s houses(or in my case, at the time, town home) and talk about salad. Salad, was what we substituted for suicide, so that when we said, “I can’t wait to have some salad”, everyone thought we were just hungry. When what we were really saying, was “I can’t wait to commit suicide”.
    But we were so close, soon drifting off a bit because of high school. But that happened to us all…
    She cried against me, and I gently patted her back, crying as well.
    “Laura, I love you, please don’t do anything bad… please no salad.” I muttered.
    She giggled a little through her sobs, and nodded against me, “I’m sorry…”
    And it then it had went quiet.
    What had she meant by… she’s sorry…







    I stood in the shower, my ipod connected to the speaker as I sang along. The hot water made my body feel wonderful, although it stung in the cut at my side.
    “I don’t want to be lonely no more,
    I don’t want to have to pay for this,
    I don’t wanna know the lover at my door,
    It’s just another heart-ache on my list
    I don‘t wanna be angry no more,
    You know I could never stand for this,
    When you tell me you love me
    Know for sure,
    I don‘t want to be lonely any more…”