• “Fragile – I feel something could break.
    So easily, so - casually, without us hardly noticing . . . .”
    Mary Shelley, Bloody Poetry

    ~*~*~*~


    When you go,
    don't ever think
    I'll make you try to stay.
    And maybe when
    you get back out
    they have to find
    another way . . . .


    Rachael just heard the news, and naturally she was crushed. In the wake of a devastating breakup with her now ex-boyfriend Dillon, it didn't take much for her to get angry. And she was definitely angry. But in this instance, the emotion was completely justified. Sadly enough, all of this was product of word of mouth. After weeks of speculating about it, her worse fears had been realized.

    He had lied.

    Dillon had gotten back together with his girlfriend, Shannon.

    Weeks ago, on a cool March day, when this whole thing started, Dillon had taken Rachael aside. They had spoken in a gentle fashion and ended their relationship. "Things are really getting to me," he had said, "I need a break from my friends, my family, from life . . . and to drag you along this way is not fair to you."

    And she believed him. After all, just because they were breaking up didn't change the fact she trusted him. She didn't even cry when he ended it. But then again, there had been the implied hope for the future; once things calmed down and everything returned to normal. Things between them might be a bit awkward . . . since some heated activity had occurred between them in the four months they were together, but things would be ok. After all, she loved him and she though he loved her too.

    But as the days and weeks following the end came, things seemed very odd. In paying attention only ever so slightly to the events happening, Rachael came to notice the fact that his daily routine hadn't really been altered. He still went to all the same places, visited the same people, had family time. In fact, it seemed the only change had been getting rid of her. But she shook it off as nothing and credited her observations to paranoia and petty anger. She ignored it.

    Then when surfing on the Internet one day, she discovered the news. A simple glance at his MySpace page showed her that, not three weeks after they were over, he had a girlfriend already. She had to adjust her glasses a few times before she realized that what she was reading on the screen was not a mind trick. Rachael was completely flabbergasted, and after some thought it didn't take much for her to figure out what had happened, and who his new girlfriend was.

    At first it didn't bother her. But the days wore on and the thought of it ate at her brain and heart until finally she snapped; she felt so damaged inside. The result of that was an angry text message:

    "WE NEED TO TALK . . . NOW"

    This was the message that got sent. To which she got no response. Strangely, Rachael wasn't surprised. Dillon had lied to her, why not ignore her as well? It certainly appeared that he didn't care how she felt. Maybe he didn't really love her after all. She was severely hurt by all of it, especially because of the "heated" activity had occurred between them. Activity that was everything short of intercourse. Activity that even though she wasn't always completely OK with, Rachael would only do with someone she loved and cared about. And as hurt as she was by all of it, as badly as she still cared for him, she was glad he was gone.

    Well after all this time
    that you still owe,
    You're still the good-for-nothing
    I don't know.
    So take your gloves and get out,
    Baby get out,
    while you can . . . .


    It was now nearly four weeks since Rachael had tried to contact Dillon, with no response still. At this point, her anger had been pressed firmly into a hidden spot of her mind, prickling slightly but not present. She became sort of an empty shell, existing in the wake of disaster, picking up the pieces. The thought of finding Dillon and telling him exactly what she thought of him was so very appealing. But now, enough time had passed the idea was now as appealing as watching paint dry. So pointless. And still hurt, she trudged on with life, trying to move on, trying to forget.

    One fateful day changed that.

    Rachael was running some minor errands one day, nothing too awful big or important but it kept her busy and that's what she liked best, although the reason for the need to stay busy had long eluded her conscious mind. She walked down the bare sidewalk, ignoring the environment around her, and the presence of a familiar shaped body ever so slightly caught her attention. Her automatic reaction was to ignore it and continue on with business. So she just passed by without much of a glance, ruffling through a random looseleaf notebook distractedly.

    "Hey, Rachael. How are you?"

    She froze. The voice sounded familiar. Add in the familiar figure on the sidewalk and she knew they went together and she also knew this was not good. Fearfully she turned around and realized she was now face to face with Dillon. He was slightly hunched over, his round eyes shaded by the brim of his usual hat, wearing his usual blazer coat and looking right at her with a somewhat oddly reproachful expression. He brushed a stray strand of hair behind his ear, the sun catching on the only piece of jewelry he ever wore; a silver band with mild embellishment etched upon it's surface, resting on his fourth finger.

    Instantly all the confidence she had hoped to posses when she finally saw him again foundered and all she wanted to do now was run away. But some unknown force held her rooted to that spot.

    "How are you?" he repeated.

    "Fine," she replied quietly.

    "That's good . . ."

    Silence. Neither of them spoke and yet neither of them moved. Not sure of what to do she did what the rules of courtesy bade her to do and she continued.

    "So, you've been well I suppose?"

    He nodded. "Yeah, I've been pretty good."

    Rachael sighed slightly. "Well, that's good . . . too."

    Finally the awkwardness of the situation was tweaking at her and she suddenly burst out, "Well, I should get going! Nice to see you . . . again." She turned to leave.


    When you go,
    Would you even
    Turn to say;
    "I don't love you,
    Like I did,
    Yesterday."


    "Hey, Rachael!" Dillon called to her back.

    She stopped and turned to face him. She didn't bother to move closer or verbally acknowledge him. All she did was look at him with an eerily blank stare.

    "I, um, got your message . . . sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. Did you still need to talk?"

    Rachael frowned. Did she want to talk? No, she thought to herself, I don't need to drag all this out again. I'm done with it. I will shed no more tears for him; for what we no longer have. Then she carefully cleared her throat and said, "You know, I kinda wanted to but maybe what I had to say was or is pointless and really won't make much of a difference, so - "

    "Well, I was just wondering if you wanted to . . . I mean, I'm here, I have nothing to do, you're here - "

    "Glad to know you are willing to talk now that your schedule is clear!" Rachael bit back at him.

    A slight streak of pain flickered through his eyes. "I'm serious, Rachael."

    She sighed exasperatedly. Obviously, Rachael wasn't going to avoid this. But in the back of her mind, she knew this needed to happen. "Wanna go for a walk then?" she asked.

    "Sure."

    Sometimes I cry so
    Hard from pleading,
    So sick and tired of
    All the needless beating.
    But baby when they
    Knock you down and out
    It's where you ought to stay . . . .


    With a slight edginess, the pair began to walk down the sidewalk. Neither of them would look at the other person, and neither were speaking. More awkwardness came between them and yet no one had said anything. And it didn't appear that either was going to start. But finally, Dillon spoke. "I'm willing to bet I know why you wanted to talk to me," he said.

    Rachael scoffed suddenly. Her fear and shyness was instantly transformed into into sheer annoyance. But she tried to play if off. "Oh? Then what is it?"

    Flinching slightly, Dillon continued. "Well, I'm going to assume you wanted to talk to me about Shannon - "

    Enraged, Rachael cut in. "But what about Shannon? The simple fact that you get back with her or the fact I had to find out about your 'reunion' on the internet?"

    "I didn't mean for you to find out that way. I - "

    "Look, the only thing I have to say to you is that I think you're a big liar and - "

    "But, Rachael - "

    " - and you used me to get back with her!"

    "Wait a second!"

    When after all the
    Blood that you still owe,
    Another dollars just
    Another blow.
    So fix your eyes
    And get out,
    Baby get out,
    While you can . . . .


    Still seething, Rachael looked up at him with her eyes burning. Dillon was staring back at her with a mixture of confusion, agitation, and hurt in his eyes."What?" quipped Rachael.

    "You have no right to say that! No right at all!"

    "I still think you're a lair."

    "Liar about what? What did I lie about?"

    "About needing a break . . ."

    A flash of embarrassment came across Dillon's eyes. Rachael noticed and she laughed at him. "You see? I knew it!"

    Dillon looked at her pleadingly. "Please, you don't understand – I was having a tough time there for awhile. I was feeling so overwhelmed by school, my friends, my family . . . . especially my mom . . ."

    "You fed me this line before, Dillon."

    "Let me finish, please?"

    Rachael crossed her arms across her chest and glared at him, but she fell silent. Taking a deep breath, Dillon continued on. "As I was saying, everything was starting to snowball over top of me and all I needed was a break. Then there was you and it only seemed fair to you for us to go our separate ways for awhile."

    Looking directly into Dillon's eyes, Rachael replied with, "So you're telling me that you were trying to be fair to me? News flash, Dillon – you don't seem to be in much distress. The only break you took was to tell Shannon you were free for her to take you back - "

    "No! That's not it at all! I didn't plan on Shannon and I getting back together at all. A few weeks after we broke up, I got a phone call and, well, it was her. We got to talking for awhile and then one day it just sort of happened and we were back together."

    "So . . . what are you saying then?"

    "I'm saying that our breaking up and Shannon and I getting back together were two separate events that had nothing to do with each other."

    She stared at him intently for a moment trying to read Dillon's expression. She couldn't see if he was trying to deceive her or not so she had no choice but to believe him. She sighed. "Alright, but what you have to understand is why this is not so exciting for me. Things that happened . . . things – things that were said . . ."

    Dillon shifted uncomfortably. "Look," he said, "I think we can agree that perhaps things between us moved a little quickly and got a bit heated . . ."

    Rachael's gazed diverted towards to ground.

    " - But no one was forced to do anything against their will. It was all consensual, right?"

    She quickly nodded. "Right. Consensual. Everything was . . . . consensual." Whether Dillon noticed it or not, the statement, when Rachael said it, was more to convince herself of it than to agree with it.

    "Rachael, please . . . . I had no intention of hurting you."

    "I know," came the quiet, defeated reply.

    "But do you believe me?"

    Looking up at him, her eyes shinning slightly with tears, she said, "Honestly, I don't know."

    "Fair enough. Can I ask you something though?"

    "Yeah . . ."

    "Can I walk away today knowing things are OK between us? No hard feelings?"

    Swallowing hard, Rachael gave him an honest, half-smile. "Yeah, I think so."

    Dillon sighed with relief. "Good." Then suddenly he pulled her into a soft hug. At first she stiffened at the contact their bodies made. But then she fell into the friendly embrace and returned the favor. When the hug was released, Rachael looked into his eyes and sensed the goodbye in them.

    "I'll see you later then," he said.

    "Yeah, see you," she replied.

    She turned to leave and had gotten a few paces away when the sound of Dillon's voice stopped her once more.

    "Rachael?"

    She stopped, but did not face him, dreading what he might say. "Yes?"

    "As for things that were said . . I meant them . . . All of them," he said.

    Rachael's heart dropped. The tone of his voice, however steady and confident, did nothing to convince her what he just said was true. And after a moment, Rachael turned towards Dillon, a cold gaze in her eyes.

    "Goodbye, Dillon."

    And with that, Rachael turned and walked away, leaving Dillon staring at her retreating back.


    And when you go,
    Would you have the
    Guts to say;
    "I don't love you,
    Like I loved you,
    Yesterday.
    I don't love you,
    Like I loved you,
    Yesterday . . . ."