• Light: I'll take a potato chip and eat it.

    L: That was really stupid.

    Light: Ahh! L when did you get here?

    L: Well, I live here. And anyway, back to the chip thing. What else would you do with a potato chip besides eat it?

    Light: I said it for dramatic effect.

    L: More like stupid effect.

    Light: Why are you even my roommate?

    L: I'm only here because Ms. Amane invited me to stay. If she wasn't here, then I would be nowhere near here.

    Light: Dude, that's my wife.

    L: Do I look like I care?

    - L hears a strange sound coming from Ryuk's room.

    Ryuk: Oummmmm. Oummmm

    L: Great, the apple-loving pansy's meditating again.

    Ryuk: Why you dissing on apples?

    L: Anywho....

    - Someone knocks on the door.

    L: Light get the door.

    Light: I'm not a slave. Why do I have to get the door.

    L: GET THE DOOR!

    Light: Alright. Jeez, you don't have to yell.

    - L touches his forehead to see who's at the door.

    L: Hey, Light, it's Mello.

    Light: Oh gawd.

    - Light opens the door.

    Light: Hello.

    Mello: Chocolate.

    Light: Riiight. What did you want?

    Mello: Chocolate.

    Light: Mello ....

    Mello: CHOCOLATE!!!

    - Light slams the door in Mello's face.

    L: Aww, you didn't have to do him like that.

    Light: I just gave him chocolate five minutes ago. Man, it sucks living next door to Mello and Near. They make this horrible noise and it keeps me up at night. I wonder what they're doing over there.

    L: You don't even wanna go there.

    Light: Ewww. That's so gross.

    L: You know what, I need someone to talk to.

    Light: I'm here.

    L: You're an idiot. I should call Matt. Hey, Light, have you seen my phone.

    Light: Was it the chocolate one?

    L: Yeah.

    Light: I gave it to Mello.

    L: What the crap. Why did you do that?

    Light: Well, he asked for chocolate, so I gave it to him.

    L: You got to be freakin' kidding me.

    Light: Nope.

    L: Dumbass. I'll just get another one. Watari!

    Watari: Yes, L?

    L: Can you get me another phone?

    Watari: Yes, sir.

    L: But don't get a chocolate one, ‘cause someone is a freakin' idiot in this house.

    Light: My bad.

    Watari: Okay.

    - Watari leaves and comes back with a new phone.

    L: Thank you, Watari.

    -Watari leaves. L dials Matt's number.

    L: Hey, Matt. Do you want to come over and chat?

    Matt: ....

    L: Yes, I know I'm rhyming and it is unintentional.

    Matt: ....

    L: Yes, Mello will be here.

    - The door bell rings

    L: Is that you at my door?

    Matt: ....

    L: Hold on.

    - L hangs up the phone and answers the door.

    L: Hey, Matt. I'm glad you came over to chat.

    Matt: Seriously, stop that.

    L: Okay. So now we can talk.

    Matt: What did you want to talk about that was so important that I had to come over here and stop looking at my pictures of Mello.

    L: Dude, that's gross.

    Matt: Speaking of Mello, where is he?

    L: He's in his apartment next door.

    Matt: What?! You told me he was going to be here.

    L: I lied.

    Matt: I'm leaving.

    L: You can't, ‘cause I dead bolted the door and swallowed the key.

    Matt: I hate you. Anyway, why am I here?

    L: Since we are the only sane characters here, we should talk about how insane everyone else is.

    Matt: Okay. Who do we start with?

    L: With the original owner of the death note, Japan's favorite murderer, Light Yagami.

    Matt: He doesn't seem too bad.

    L: That's only because you don't live with him. He sits there at that desk with a bag of potato chips and takes one out and says, "I'll take a potato chip and eat it." like ten times everyday. It's so freakin' annoying. And then on top of that, he draws pictures of me and him.

    Matt: That sucks.

    L: Yeah, I know. Look, watch this. Hey, Light, can you stop drawing those gay pictures of you and me?

    Light: This is how I express myself.

    L: The yaoi fan-pairings with you and me are already bad and you're just making them worse. You're married to a woman, but you're nothing but a gay, pervert that fantasizes about men.

    Light: I hate you, L.

    - Light runs to his room crying like a baby.

    Matt: Man, that was harsh.

    L: You don't know what I have to deal with. Between Light and Ryuk, I'm going to go crazy.

    Matt: What's wrong with Ryuk? Hey, wait a minute, what's that noise? It sounds like it's getting louder.

    L: Wonderful.

    - Ryuk appears hopping on one leg with his hands raised above his head, chanting, "Oummmm."

    L: Ryuk, go back to your room.

    Ryuk: Dude, I need to meditate, or else I can't eat apples.

    L: Go meditate in your room, or I swear I'm going to go in the kitchen right now and burn every apple in there.

    Ryuk: Alright, I'll go.

    - Ryuk turns around and hops back to his room.

    Matt: Whoa. That's bad.

    L: You think that's bad, Near and Mello are worse. You should hear them at night.

    Matt: What was that about NEAR and MELLO?

    L: Did I say Near and Mello? I meant Sayu and Matsuda. They just got married and they don't what to do, so they bang on the walls at night with hammers to make it seem like their actually doing something.

    Matt: That's really disturbing.

    L: Yeah. Wait, Ms. Amane is coming. I should go try and get the key out to open the door.

    - L was getting ready to go get the key when Misa walks through the door.

    L: Nevermind.

    Misa: Hey guys.

    - L runs over to her and starts bowing.

    Misa: L you're so cute.

    L: Ms. Amane, please grace with your touch.

    - Misa touches L and he nearly faints

    Misa: You're so funny. Anyway, I'm going to go take a shower.

    - Misa leaves.

    Matt: Don't even think about it. You called me over here to talk, so we're gonna talk. I wonder if Misa knows that she lives with a perverted stalker.

    L: Actually, I called you over to chat, Matt.

    Matt: I swear to God if you say that one more time, I'm gonna rip your freakin' face off.

    L: Okay. So, tell me, how's it going over at your place?

    Matt: Well, I live with Teru Mikami and I can't stand it. He sits in his room all night, which is good. Except that he says, "Delete, Delete, Delete, DELETE." like non-stop every night while I’m trying to sleep. And then he has that one guy from the SPK stalking him, which is creepy. He stares through the window all the time. I mean, I’m scared to take a shower in my own home.

    L: That sucks.

    Matt: Damn straight.

    -L hears a knock at the door.

    L: I guess I better go get the key.

    Matt: If you didn’t need the key to let Misa in, then why do you think you need it now?

    L: You know what, you’re right.

    - Near opens the door and walks in the room.

    Near: Hey L, do you have some vasoline, duck tape, and a banana. Mello and I ran out.

    Matt: WHAT THE ******** DID YOU SAY!?! I’M GONNA FREAKIN’ MURDER YOU!!!

    - L tried to hold Matt back and Near was doing anything but standing there, so L had to think fast.

    L: Umm…. NEAR, CREPE!

    Near: AHHHHHH!!!!

    - Near jumped out the window of Light and L’s 7th floor apartment.

    L: Matt, he’s gone. You can calm down now.

    Matt: Okay, I’m calm now.

    L: Good.

    - Matt walked over to the window and looked down.

    Matt: I have one question.

    L: What?

    Matt: Why the hell did you say crepe?

    L: Oh. The word crepe makes Near scream and jump out of the nearest window.

    Matt: What the crap? Why does he do that?

    L: Because he’s afraid of crepes.

    Matt: Why?

    L: *sigh* When Near was a baby, his parents left a crepe on his face and he almost suffocated.

    Matt: Man, he’s messed up.

    L: Damn straight.

    Episode 1 / End